AIBU to up my hours despite DH objecting?

[WhiskAverse]

Hi all, I have been working 2 days per week since having DCs. I discussed increasing hours to 2.5 days per week with my boss last year and discussed with my DH at the time about how to approach it with boss etc how the week would split etc.

I raised the issue with DH earlier as new hours are going to kick in in a couple of months and he was really frustrated and unhappy and claimed I hadn’t told him and that this is going to massively impact our family in a negative way, as the week will be too “broken up.”

He said “Right, well if you want to work another half day I’ll pay for the extra half day at nursery but then you can’t ever complain about being stressed or looking after DC4 and DC2 ever again.” Then said if I “want to work so much”, I should work full time and he will stop working and raise DCs and I can “find the money to pay for everything.”

Him forgetting the conversation around upping my hours aside, does the phrasing “I will pay for the nursery fees then” sound odd? Isn’t it all family money? Makes me feel like he’s doing me a favour so I can go to work? Eldest DC starts school in September and both DC have been going to nursery 2 days per week since 14 months. It’ll only be 1 extra half a day per week for DC2. Eventually they’ll both be at school so I think it’s a good idea to keep a foot in the door at work etc. If I worked full time, my salary would be a quarter of DH’s.

AIBU or does DH have a point and I should leave my hours as is?

He would never in a million years give up his career

So in all the time you've been together since the age of 16, did you ever talk about your views on things like parenting roles, conjugal roles, etc?

How old are you now? And oldest kid is about 5, right?

As I said upthread we spoke about me working PT!

Noooo. Mumsnet is an education. This is awful @WhiskAverse. I’m sure you know that.
So controlling to not only keep you poor by under supporting you financially, then object to you working more.

I’ve been a fully SAHM and worked FT and everything in between. We always had entirely shared money. But even if you have separate accounts this is financially abusive behaviour.

He's quite the dick, isn't he?

That wouldn’t matter in the system I described. Only bills etc come out of the joint account. The remainder is then split equally in to personal accounts. You can be as bad as you like with yours, it doesn’t affect him op.

With the exception of your post where you detailed he does help with the kids and cleaning; all your other posts give me horrible vibes.

he seems to say some completely outrageous nonsense, and you seem too scared/intimidated to call him out on it.

this money thing, again we have controlling you raising its head, because you being bad with money is patently nonsense.

Right. So like I said before he used the switch roles threat to belittle you, whereas he actually couldn’t/wouldnt do part time/sahd. So how dare he suggest what hours you should or shouldn’t work given that he won’t change his.
reverse this op - if he was offered some overtime for example of a few hours, would he come running to you to check it’s ok, and then would you say ‘no, you can’t, it’ll disrupt the family.’

It gets worse. He is, at the very least, very unfair, but from what you have said probably financially abusive.

He sounds like an utter twat. Leave him.

What does he use the rest of his wage for? Do you have any joint savings? Is he contributing to a pension for you or anything?

That’s a good idea. He’s got to go abroad for work for 4 nights soon, that will ‘disrupt’ the family. Of course he’ll say it’s all for career progression / more money for us as a family. Which it is but still…

So is your extra half day.

He buys stuff for the house etc. I know what he has in savings, just don’t have access. I have some of my own savings as well that he knows about. Doesn’t contribute to a pension for me but makes it very clear that he sees it as our money for the future

That can go wrong in a heartbeat.

He might genuinely intend his savings and pension to be for both of you today, but if you don't do what he wants and end up splitting up he'll do everything in his power to hide or gaslight you into voluntarily renouncing whatever might be your share.

If you stay together then you will be even more trapped in retirement because the money will be even more under his control than now once you've lost the option to earn.

Exactly the same as yours then.

see - when you reverse the scenarios, then you can see how ridiculous it all is.

A little while ago he sent me a list of everything financial wise. I believe it to be accurate. I want to save the marriage - so insisting he starts therapy is the best I can come up with right now - I know these behaviours are terrible but I do want to save the marriage and I think that’s ok / that it’s possible

Might as well be in your name then, mightened it, given it’s for both of your futures. No need to be in his name.

Okay, but I am talking more generally than that. Did you speak about how you Will work together to parent, expectations around having a parent at home, why you will work PT and what purpose it has in terms of your wider family objectives etc?

Yes, all of that was discussed- parenting approach, the default parent being me, why PT work would work for our family, the reasons for working, roles etc. was all discussed

And it’s not so just do what you want to do. I massively sympathise OP. I used to work 1 day per week and upped it to 2 as I cover all costs for three kids and couldn’t make it work with less bit DH constantly complains of he’s asked to anything outside his “working hours” . Tells me to give up my job so I can concentrate on the house and kids but if I asked him to cover all the money I spend on the kids per month he’d have a heart attack.

Ignore all protests and do whatever you feel is best for you and the kids.

So then what is his issue with you doing an extra day? Maybe he does not want you earning more money.

You have to cover all your kids costs and also do everything around the home? Goodness. How do men keep finding women to fall for this set-up.

I agree you absolutely hold the line. Do not work yourself to the bone at home to keep up with his expectations. Say calmly about various tasks ‘no they’re not done, I have less time now.’ About your job Say ‘yes of course I took it. I have to. Im in a marriage with a man who holds it over my head all the time that he earns the money and doesn’t give me a say financially, and never acknowledges I’ve looked after our children. In a marriage like that I need to earn as much as I can to safeguard my and our children’s future. Men like that cut off all funds if we separate, they don’t genuinely care about their children’s wellbeing and they never cared about their wife’s.’ Tell him straight out.
Therapy is a good idea because he sounds awful.

As long as they can afford it, there's no right or wrong way for a couple to arrange work/ home tasks, but they should discuss it and it seems very weird he's forgotten-if this is new, has he got some medical issue? As in, someone who is generally good at remembering stuff wouldn't tend to forget something important.
If you don't need to do the extra hours, don't unless you want to, but he can't complain about that now.

Hmn, isn't it supposed to be a team effort regardless of your earnings or politics?