AIBU to up my hours despite DH objecting?

[WhiskAverse]

Hi all, I have been working 2 days per week since having DCs. I discussed increasing hours to 2.5 days per week with my boss last year and discussed with my DH at the time about how to approach it with boss etc how the week would split etc.

I raised the issue with DH earlier as new hours are going to kick in in a couple of months and he was really frustrated and unhappy and claimed I hadn’t told him and that this is going to massively impact our family in a negative way, as the week will be too “broken up.”

He said “Right, well if you want to work another half day I’ll pay for the extra half day at nursery but then you can’t ever complain about being stressed or looking after DC4 and DC2 ever again.” Then said if I “want to work so much”, I should work full time and he will stop working and raise DCs and I can “find the money to pay for everything.”

Him forgetting the conversation around upping my hours aside, does the phrasing “I will pay for the nursery fees then” sound odd? Isn’t it all family money? Makes me feel like he’s doing me a favour so I can go to work? Eldest DC starts school in September and both DC have been going to nursery 2 days per week since 14 months. It’ll only be 1 extra half a day per week for DC2. Eventually they’ll both be at school so I think it’s a good idea to keep a foot in the door at work etc. If I worked full time, my salary would be a quarter of DH’s.

AIBU or does DH have a point and I should leave my hours as is?

His reaction sounds weird.

he was really frustrated and unhappy and claimed I hadn’t told him and that this is going to massively impact our family in a negative way, as the week will be too “broken up.”

Is there more to this, is he usually controlling, is there something you do on that half a day that you’ll have to stop doing?

He has said before that because I work 2 days per week I’m “not raising DC wholeheartedly”.

No, the extra half day is just on a Monday morning.

Oh that is not on. Trad wife stuff.

Is he worried he'll have to contribute to running the home other than cash?!

Keep working so when you leave him you’ve got income- sounds like he wants you to be a 1950s housewife.

Is he wholeheartedly a dad if he’s out at work full time?

as pp said, is he worried that he’ll be required to do more at home- or perhaps you might out-earn him.

🚩🚩🚩

He sounds absolutely awful op. In every single way you’ve described. I don’t even know where to start.

Where to start?
yes, it’s family money, it shows gross misogyny and is hugely disrespectful to you ti describe it as his money.
he does not get to decide what you do with your time, its again utterly misogynistic that he thinks he does.
does he think he owns you?

I would never have gone on a second date with a man like this.

With regards to him having the children full time, I am 💯 sure you would find it easier to earn the money he does than he would find it to properly look after his children and properly parent so that they grow up in to decent human beings. He wouldn’t be able to do it at all, so that’s an empty threat.

Sounds like he doesn’t like any aspect of your life he can’t control.

Not raising the DC whole heartedly?? Sorry but he's a misogynistic twat OP.

If we’re ever considering a purchase / looking at things etc he’ll say “No, I can’t afford that.”

I always say “Don’t you mean ‘we’ can’t afford it?” He’ll say “I’m the one earning the money though”. If I ask how he’d look after our DC if I wasn’t doing it he changes the subject….

Maybe. He has said in the past if I were to up my hours more not to expect him to cook or clean at weekends.

That's ridiculous- if you increase your hours he should do more cooking and cleaning not less. Obviously!

It’s difficult to advise op because I, and every woman I know, would not tolerate any of that nonsense. How dare he?!? I would have been gone the first time he came out with that nonsense and dismissed my attempt to reply.

he is hugely misogynistic. That you didn’t spot it is probably because you didn’t have the tools. But you cannot let your children grow up around this man.

up your hours at work to full time. And leave him.

He can cook or clean during the week... He does all week and you can do the weekend, if its just the weekend he objects to cooking and cleaning.

He does not sound like a partner. Sounds like he feels you are there to make his life easier

Why wouldn’t he cook or clean op?

I suppose he thinks one person should be at home “properly” raising the children.

Your DH doesn’t respect you, whether you work or not is irrelevant.

I should clarify- I don’t actually want to go FT, I just don’t see that going from 2 to 2.5 days is really a big deal…

I generally agree with the majority here in that he does sound controlling and misogynistic, but I am curious about a couple of things.

Does he way out earn you and was that always the case or did you give up a similar level job to him to have children? And, importantly, what did you discuss and agree to prior to having children. Surely, you discussed what life would look like?

I don’t think even if he 10x out earned you and you had always passionately wanted to stay at home that it would change your right to change your mind and go back to work part or full time, but I do think his viewpoint might be more understandable.

Properly raising the children is nothing to do with cooking and cleaning. That’s separate.

op, you seem incredibly passive and oblivious to what a complete horror this man is.

he thinks you are there to serve him. To give him children and make his life nicer by doing all of the drudge unpaid labour. He has zero respect for you and doesn’t really see you as a human. This attitude was prevalent in the 1950s but most women wouldn’t tolerate it now as we consider ourselves equal to men. Well, I think we’re superior but that’s not a discussion for now. Equal will do.

She wants to up her house from 2 to 2.5, it doesn’t hugely change their life at all, his anger is in no way understandable or justified.

It isn’t. He just wants to control you. You are there to do as he says.

He’s always out-earned me many many times.

We discussed me working part time; he has said multiple times that I shouldn’t stop working as it’s beneficial to my mental health to have something ‘for me’, and also of course it brings more money in. We spoke previously about me gradually increasing my hours up to 3 or 3.5 days a week max by the time both DC are at
school.

It might read as passive - I think I’m just a bit worn down and at a loss as what to do. I do realise it’s not at all good behaviour however it’s not as simple as just up and leaving for many reasons. One thought I had is giving him the ultimatum of going to therapy or we separate. Lots of his attitudes come from problematic upbringing.