AIBU to up my hours despite DH objecting?

[WhiskAverse]

Hi all, I have been working 2 days per week since having DCs. I discussed increasing hours to 2.5 days per week with my boss last year and discussed with my DH at the time about how to approach it with boss etc how the week would split etc.

I raised the issue with DH earlier as new hours are going to kick in in a couple of months and he was really frustrated and unhappy and claimed I hadn’t told him and that this is going to massively impact our family in a negative way, as the week will be too “broken up.”

He said “Right, well if you want to work another half day I’ll pay for the extra half day at nursery but then you can’t ever complain about being stressed or looking after DC4 and DC2 ever again.” Then said if I “want to work so much”, I should work full time and he will stop working and raise DCs and I can “find the money to pay for everything.”

Him forgetting the conversation around upping my hours aside, does the phrasing “I will pay for the nursery fees then” sound odd? Isn’t it all family money? Makes me feel like he’s doing me a favour so I can go to work? Eldest DC starts school in September and both DC have been going to nursery 2 days per week since 14 months. It’ll only be 1 extra half a day per week for DC2. Eventually they’ll both be at school so I think it’s a good idea to keep a foot in the door at work etc. If I worked full time, my salary would be a quarter of DH’s.

AIBU or does DH have a point and I should leave my hours as is?

I assume he does zero childcare / domestic labour? Sounds like he wants a trad wife.

Sorry but your husband sounds awful OP. Also his comment makes no sense. If you did more paid work why would he continue to refuse to share the cooking and housework on weekends.

Can you clarify op, and my apologies if I missed it, but are you currently doing all the cooking, cleaning and childcare 24-7 plus working 2.5 days a week, and he does nothing but a 40 hour a week job? If this is the case, you will need to change this somehow before you burn out with exhaustion.

He can't have it both ways. If he wants you at home doing everything he needs to earn all the money the household needs and a reasonable amount of wants. Plus covering your pension contributions while you're not working.

He is very hands on with DCs. And he does lots around the house (never cooks though.). Has made comments before about the fact that I should iron his shirts without him having to ask as I’m at home with DCs. I told him where to go and he now quietly irons them himself….

What about what you think? Does that matter?

Good. Ok, it’s sounding a little better. I would be reminding him that if he wants you to be wholeheartedly parenting, you can’t simultaneously cook, clean or iron because then you wouldn’t be wholeheartedly parenting. He’ll have to do that.

Just as a little aside op, none of the men I have dated would ever dare suggest to me that I iron their shirts.

The whole thing is weird as he’s also suggested he be the stay at home parent so it’s not even trad wife stuff

op out of curiosity, why 3 or 3.5 days a week max once the kids are at school?

I’m doing all the cooking and laundry. We mostly share cleaning although I do slightly more. I work 2 days per week currently and other 3 days I’ve got my DC ages 2 and 4. One with v complex medical condition.

DH work FT. He’s v hands on with childcare when he is at home evenings and on weekends.

It was said as an empty / sarcastic “threat” - said jokingly like “as if you’d be able to earn what I earn if we switched roles”….. nice……

We discussed it in the context of it being good if someone (me) can have a day to catch up on house stuff etc; it would be financially doable.

I know, it’s bad. Something else I’ve never forgotten, we went on holiday when DC2 was 8 weeks old, I was holding the baby and he said “I paid for this holiday, the least you can do is tidy up the apartment.”

Gross gross gross. Presumably your youngest will be getting funded hours too so it’s not like a huge burden with TFC too - I can’t see what difference the extra day makes? I’d be tempted to put DC in the full day and get an afternoon for you! Is he controlling about how you spend the money? Is all money completely joint or do you have your own account?

Yep - and no we don’t have a joint account. My salary goes into my account and if I need more that month he’ll put some in.

Out of interest, what do you pay for out of your account?

What the fuck …

Groceries, fuel, DC clothes, days out etc

And what does he pay for?

Mortgage and bills

Did you know op that the way most married couples (where one works FT and the other part plus childcare) do it is to have a joint account where all bills, food, everything for children comes out; and then the remaining money is split 50/50 in to personal accounts for your spending wants. Many parents who do more of the childcare also have pensions paid in to by the working party. Some families do it a bit different, but I’d say that’s the norm. What would he think to that?

He says I’m bad with money (I am definitely not) and he is head of the family and in charge of spending…. He gets very aggravated when I’ve suggested a JA

Did you discuss any of these things before you married?

I do have quite traditional men in my family who do believe that men should financially sustain the household. The thing is, you will know this about them from the first date because they pay for everything and will definitely make this clear before you get serious because they don't want someone who wants a high-flying career.

Call his bluff on switching roles - ask him to sit down with you to plan how to cut costs and to look into what you'll be entitled to benefits wise when you are living on your income.

In all honesty it would be in every way better for you to go back full time with the support of him doing the SAHP role "whole heartedly". You'll be able to advance your career and eventually you will earn more, and it will also be much better for your pension, and you'll be in so much better shape if you do divorce.

The odds are very high that he has no intention at all of giving up his career - but if he in turn does call your bluff then great - you'll need to seriously cut costs everywhere and may need to live on a lot of pasta and pasta - maybe meat will be too expensive - but he'll be cooking from scratch and with the children both at school next year will have plenty of time to get creative with shopping for fresh vegetables on offer, chasing the near sell by date stuff etc and maybe growing some vegetables - all part of bringing up the school aged children whole heartedly as a sahd.

Sounds like a win-win.

This is a silly idea. Especially if he knows full well that she isn't the type who is going to start living a more frugal life given that she picked high earning him as a partner.

We’ve been together since we were 16yo. Didn’t “pick him as a high earner” 😊