AIBU to ask what more I can do for traumatised children?

[CherryBerryBlossom]

What am I missing? What else can I do?
I’ve left an abusive marriage after 12 years. I suffered physical abuse, emotional abuse and my ex is being charged with coercive and controlling behavior, harassment and GBH (as well as some other things but let’s not be too outing!)
As a result I’ve been left with some very damaged children (aged 7 and 6) - I will never ever forgive myself for the damage that’s been done.
They replicate the behaviour they’ve seen and been victim to themselves. They speak to me in the most vile way with insults, swearing and disrespect, they tell me to shut up, they rampage my house, they kick, bite and punch me and one another. They call me liar and useless. They say ‘I don’t have to listen to you’
I have an allocated Social Worker, I have completed an 8 week DVAP course and the children are on the waiting list for DVAP, I’ve had a DVAP worker allocated this week. I’m in the process of paying for private play therapy for the children. I’ve paid for the Freedom Programme.
What else can I do? what else should I do? I can’t fail the children any longer.

Couldn’t agree more.

Whilst fully accepting and admitting that she was at least 50 per cent responsible.

Thanks - yes we have written up rules and rewards are linked to days out/experiences together but not ones that put too much pressure on. We only have them displayed in the kitchen so that’s a good idea to display them all around the house. I’ll go do that in a minute.

I typed out a long message to you and then read the poster who said I didn’t need to respond and I’m glad I didn’t respond fully. What I will say is - you, a stranger on the internet will never ever make me feel worse than I already do.
I also am hopeful my children are never taught by a teacher who is so narrow minded and lacking compassion.

How long ago did you leave OP?

Is it very early days?

From the OP’s post:

I’ve left an abusive marriage after 12 years. I suffered physical abuse, emotional abuse and my ex is being charged with coercive and controlling behavior, harassment and GBH (as well as some other things but let’s not be too outing!)

This kind of abuse is what makes it difficult to leave, as well as not having the means or the support.

The OP’s children are victims of abuse, but so is the OP.

Around five months ago.

School have been fantastic and I have been fully open with them about everything.
Its reassuring to read the regression is ‘normal’ they find being away from me very difficult so we just don’t do it- and three in a bed is our bedtime routine!

Household rules are a good idea and ideally you would make them together so everyone in in full agreement. Also doing some work around emotional literacy. Naming their feelings and looking what each emotion looks like. No feelings are bad but how we deal with them matters. Try teaching them different strategies to manage their emotions. It’s ok to feel angry/frustrated but it’s not ok to hurt others when we are angry. Also having strategies visually displayed might help. Perhaps school could support you with this. Good luck OP

I can't believe some of the posters here today. Quotes from the OP's FIRST post:

"I will never ever forgive myself for the damage that’s been done."

"What else can I do? what else should I do? I can’t fail the children any longer."

She CLEARLY feels guilty and responsible for what has happened to her children. Let's not forget that this is someone who was in a dangerously abusive relationship. She's asking for help, not judgement from random people who just seem to want her to feel even worse.

edit: point above taken, post too judgmental.

How long ago did you leave? Change is unsettling for children and even non-traumatised kids can play up in the weeks / months following a separation and 'loss' of a parent, so don't be too hard on them or yourself. Show them consistency, boundaries, kindness, good conflict resolution. Children learn by copying, give them the best examples possible going forwards and trust that time will help them heal.

Out of interest can you explain the ‘at least 50%’
You’re saying that someone who pushes me down the stairs, grabs me, strangles me, alienates me from friends and family, tracks me, belittles me and controls every aspect of my life and lets me live in fear is less responsible than I am?

Agree completely. Op has repeatedly said how guilty she feels

There is lots of support out there for trauma-informed parenting. The group below does online courses and has various resources. I'm sure there are others if you search

facebook.com/groups/TIPtraumainformedparenting/

Well done for getting out. Try to stop beating yourself up - you did what you could when you could. When you knew better, you did better. People can't live through what you went through and just do the "right things". It will improve for both you and your children.

Implement some boundaries. They sound like they are screaming out for them. Don’t be weak, be strong.

Boundaries = safety and love. They need to feel secure, then need to know you are in charge.

Thanks - yes we have done and are obviously continuing to do work on naming emotions and the Incredible Five Point Scale.
School have been amazingly supportive thankfully

But she is taking responsibility? Have you read her posts? She is taking responsibility and is trying to do the right thing. Yes she stayed, now she has left and is trying to move on. How is that hiding behind ‘well done you’ve left’?

No they haven’t started it yet. It’s term time only and there was a waiting list.

Again I think she does realise that. It’s in her opening post. Hammering her over the head with it won’t help the situation, the more guilt she feels the less likely she is to hold boundaries in place for her kids which is one thing she needs to do to stop repeating the behaviour. If you keep grinding someone down they will collapse and OPs kids don’t need that.

People have told her she bears some responsibility, she had already said she feels responsible, that bit has been secured so those attacking can relax and let her get the right information in order to get the support for her children she is seeking.

That's great that school are aware of everything.

And yes the dependence is expected and it's ok!

If you think of how children generally develop (in the absence of trauma or other needs going on) - babies are completely dependent on you which we expect and accept, and they gradually learn that the world is safe and adults are predictable. As they grow they gradually take steps further out into the world (while returning regularly to their safe adult for check-ins and comfort if anything goes wrong). True, healthy independence emerges because they can trust that they're not only safe but they have somewhere to return to when they need it. Your kids are rebuilding their view of the world as being safe so you need to meet them where they're at - they're not as "far along" this process as other kids their age.

Now, think about how our emotional regulation develops. Again, babies are completely dependent on us to soothe them and comfort them (they cannot do it by themselves), toddlers start independently exploring the world a bit more but remain almost fully reliant on their safe adults to manage their big feelings - gradually over time, they learn healthy ways to express emotions and cope with big/scary feelings and events. This ability to self-regulate develops via thousands of incidents of co-regulation (a safe, calm adult being alongside them to calm them down and help them work through the big feeling and assert healthy behavioural boundaries). Again, your kids aren't as far along in this emotional regulation process as their peers are so they need you to meet them where they're at and give co-regulation support at an intense level, like you would with a younger child.

Step by step OP x

Try to parent on instinct. Not using scales, that’s not real life. Implement boundaries, be firm. Do NOT tolerate abuse from them. They will be angry at you, in their minds you did not protect them and mother is the primary attachment. Let go of the guilt, parenting on guilt is disastrous - it will stop you from being firm and the boss. Don’t rely too much on schools and outside services - usually tick boxes and half arsed fluffy measures.

Yes you’ve moved on and you feel guilty - but that’s only the beginning. Now you need to NOT TOLERATE abuse from your kids. Show them a different model. One where you are the boss, and you are worthy and deserving of basic respect and kindness- and then you will return that.

Naminf emotions can only do so much, it will not change the behaviours. The more they see you as kind, respectful and IN CONTROL, the more they will slowly start to feel secure in your parenting and motherhood.

Keep going OP, things will get there in time.

As an aside more is now being done to protect children from an abuse parent after the parents have split up.

https://www.gov.uk/government/news/government-action-to-protect-children-from-abusive-parents

If there isn’t already a court order in place then you can legally withhold contact on safety grounds until the time your ex goes to court to get a court order and then the courts decide.

Don't be silly.

I'm being kind to the OP, not 'hammering' anything, but you appear to be inserting yourself here between us and making it into something it isn't.

Please move on to someone else's posts now.