AIBU to ask what more I can do for traumatised children?

[CherryBerryBlossom]

What am I missing? What else can I do?
I’ve left an abusive marriage after 12 years. I suffered physical abuse, emotional abuse and my ex is being charged with coercive and controlling behavior, harassment and GBH (as well as some other things but let’s not be too outing!)
As a result I’ve been left with some very damaged children (aged 7 and 6) - I will never ever forgive myself for the damage that’s been done.
They replicate the behaviour they’ve seen and been victim to themselves. They speak to me in the most vile way with insults, swearing and disrespect, they tell me to shut up, they rampage my house, they kick, bite and punch me and one another. They call me liar and useless. They say ‘I don’t have to listen to you’
I have an allocated Social Worker, I have completed an 8 week DVAP course and the children are on the waiting list for DVAP, I’ve had a DVAP worker allocated this week. I’m in the process of paying for private play therapy for the children. I’ve paid for the Freedom Programme.
What else can I do? what else should I do? I can’t fail the children any longer.

why do you feel you’re failing them OP? It could be a long road to recovery but that doesn’t mean you’re failing. You don’t need to fix things for them. Be their safe place, access support for yourself whether that’s friends/professional. Have boundaries about behavioural expectations without being unfair/punitive.

This.

But also don't make them feel that their abusive behaviour of you or anyone else is ever okay.

There'll be lots of sympathy when they're this age. If they continue with this behaviour the sympathy wanes and by the time they're adults if they're still behaving in this way, no-one will really care that they had a hard time years ago, they will just be another abuser that society needs to be protected from.

I feel so much guilt for staying with my husband and hoping he’d change….. time after time.
What I’ve been left with is two children who can’t yet manage socially as they’re so unkind to people. That’s why I feel like I’ve failed.
Thanks - I am absolutely trying my best to have fair boundaries so they feel everything is predictable and routines are important to them too. I know it’ll be a long long road.
They aren’t seeing their Dad at the moment and haven’t been for almost four months due to bail conditions and I’m so worried for when they start seeing him again!

That’s my absolute fear. The older they get the harder it’s going to be to ‘undo’ and the stronger and more dangerous they are going to be. I need to put an end to the cycle.

Don't shoulder this blame alone OP.

You've both failed your children, not just you.

It'll take a long time for experts to unpick everything they've witnessed their whole lives, and to help them make sense of it and feel safe.

But one step at a time and hopefully you'll all get there.

You need to put your guilt aside.

That's what will lead to you accepting/excusing unacceptable behaviour. And it won't be helpful to them or society.

Get them the help they need. Love them, be consistent and understanding but don't let your guilt morph understanding into excusing over time.

OP i think you're doing everything you can. And right now what they need is consistency from you. You say the older they get the harder it will be to undo, which would be true if you weren't doing anything about it now. But you are!
The therapy will be really beneficial to them but it's going to take time to see results.
You have to trust that the process will work, stick to your boundaries, be consistent, and hopefully you will gradually see change.

Really wishing all of you the best

Agreed. In DV cases, both parents have failed the children. The abusive parent for inflicting the abuse and the other parent for failing to protect the children.

I have very strong views on this as we suffered badly as children (severe emotional abuse), but I don’t want to derail the thread.

I haven’t forgiven either parent, and there’s a high chance your children may never forgive you so you must prepare for that.

Best of luck. It’s a fucking awful situation all round.

You need to reestablish healthy boundaries.

Write it on a chart, pin it to the wall.

In this family we ..... 'Speak politely to each other', 'Manage our feelings', 'Take time out when we need it'

Start small, use positive framing and absolutely be consistent.

They need to relearn what it means to be in a family - it will need time.

Play therapy will help with this - as will family therapy.

It's going to be a long haul, make sure you have some support for yourself. You need to learn to do the same things as your children.

Thank you for getting your children out of the situation. Staying longer would have harmed them more.

Don't let your guilt stop you putting firm boundaries and consequences for bad behaviour. You can be loving and kind but still hold firm on what is acceptable behaviour and what isn't. Hopefully the play therapy and input from SS will help. I have worked with teenagers who have grown up in domestic violence and unfortunately the cycle is often perpetrated if there hasn't been intervention at a young age. Your children are still little and you have time to turn this around, but it will take work.

Not that it makes any difference but it’s not their whole lives, it’s perhaps the last three or four years. I don’t know if that makes a difference or not- but hopefully it does a little.
thanks - yes, fingers crossed for a change.

We have had such a lovely morning so far this morning, no one has hurt anyone or fallen out or been unkind which is lovely and a small step.

You have made a good start by removing the children from the abusive situation. Now you need to set firm boundaries around acceptable behaviour.

I agree with writing out house rules, which should be agreed as a family, in big writing and displaying them around the house. Reward the children for following those rules, a marble jar is great for that and builds a feeling of teamwork. When the jar is full everybody gets a treat, which is probably better as a shared experience, like a trip to the park/ swimming session/picnic, rather than something tangible.

Make sure that they attend the play therapy sessions regularly, no excuses.
Make sure that the school is fully aware of your/the children's situation and work with them to address the issues, which will be common to school and home. You should find the school very supportive and they may be able to refer you to other services.
I'm sorry there will be a lot to unpick for your children and you might not be best placed to do that, so make sure that you use any support offered to you, as well as to the children.

They would've been 2 and 3 when it started, so pretty much their whole lives.

How long ago did you leave? Apologies if I've missed it.

Firstly OP, well done for leaving. You've taken the first step towards changing your children's future. You've also taken the right steps in linking in with support services and therapies!

As others have said, It'll be a long road - if you read about attachment and relational trauma you'll see that your children have likely developed views of the world and the adults around them as being unsafe and unpredictable. Their current behaviours are survival adaptations and learned behaviours.

This sounds scary, but if you keep reading about attachment and relational trauma you'll see that these worldviews can be shifted and changed with careful, close, loving support.

Their priority need right now is safety and security. Without feeling safe, their brains won't be as able to take on the changes that you want to see through therapy and intervention.

To feel safe your kids need a high nurture AND a high structure approach. They need to know you're their safe base and love them unconditionally, while also knowing that YOU are in control and can keep them safe - children experience safety through predictable routines and clear boundaries. They will also push back against these things (as they test the world around them), but it's your job to lovingly and firmly hold boundaries of acceptable behaviours AND to reconnect with them when things go wrong.

They can't be too reliant on you right now - it's really common for kids to "regress" back to younger behaviours like needing you to lie with them to fall asleep etc. That's completely ok. Now is not the time to be pushing independence or being a "big boy/girl" in terms of responsibilities - they need to allow themselves to rely on you. Think of how much emotional support you'd give a toddler during/after a tantrum - cuddles, naming their feelings, explaining that it's ok to be angry but they can't hit etc - that's the type of approach they'll need.

Speak to their school when it reopens. They will likely need a trauma-informed approach from the staff too.

Also, everything I've just said will be intensely hard on you as their support person so make sure to link in with your support network and services too.

Sending love x

You've had lots of excellent advice. All I can add is to watch the movie Inside Out with them. It might sound trite but allowing them to see, name and understand the emotions that are going on inside them can help them (and you) to cope. Inside Out 2 when they are a little older.

This is good. So they had a couple of crucial early years of healthy environment. That will have done good things.

And they've been lovely so far today. Praise them . Tell them how pleased you are. Lots of love and lots of boundaries is the way to go. 'We are making a better, safer home for all of us.'

Have they started the play therapy yet? They are still so little, all is not lost OP. You are doing so well, try not let the guilt eat you up. There are some fantastic suggestions from user1471538275.

I’m going to be blunt - they are just emulating the behaviour you allowed them to see for so long. How can you expect anything else? It’s going to take a long long time for them to retrain their tiny brains and reset. They will need years of support and love and normal behaviour to counteract their awful beginnings. This is sadly very normal. They are the natural product of an abusive household.

I teach and unfortunately come across kids who have escaped domestic violence. They react so differently, as we all do to stimuli, but aggression and anger is typical. They are just doing what has been modelled for them their whole lives so it’s normal to hit and scream and punch and swear. It’s so sad to see and I do wonder why on earth parents stay so long and allow their children to be so damaged. The fallout is lifelong. And that’s without considering the latest tiny child who was killed by abusive parents that was in the news yesterday. Sorry op but i just don’t get it. Can you explain it to me?

It’s so sad to see and I do wonder why on earth parents stay so long and allow their children to be so damaged. The fallout is lifelong. And that’s without considering the latest tiny child who was killed by abusive parents that was in the news yesterday. Sorry op but i just don’t get it. Can you explain it to me?

Don't do this OP.

Firstly it's none of their business and secondly it's not the point of your thread 💐

To be fair to the OP, she has left and is working hard to get the kids the support they need to make things better. So I wouldn’t call that failing them at all. If she had continued to turn a blind eye or wasn’t supporting that I would call failure, but proactively trying to change their lives isn’t failing them.

Can you afford any private support @CherryBerryBlossom? Have you explored all avenues of support available to you and them, or just what you have mentioned so far?

I think the op can think for herself - she is an adult and can choose to engage in whatever conversations she wants.

They’re 6 and 7.

3-4 years is the majority of their lives and the entirety of their living memory. I strongly recommend that you do not minimise what they went through at any point in the healing process. It would be completely counterproductive.

She turned a blind eye (your words) for three or four years. It feels very emperor’s new clothes that this thread largely ignores that fact. Of course the kids are going to be damaged, genuinely don’t know how the op could expect anything else?

moving on involves taking full responsibility and not hiding behind ‘well done you finally left’ adages - until the op does that she and her kids can never properly move on.

I didn't say failing, I said failed, so past tense.

It's all about the future now but the OP needs to realise she wasn't the only one who failed to protect them.

I like the family rules suggestion: in this family we don’t hurt each other (includes hurtful words as well as actions)

and as the parent you will keep them both safe by enforcing this rule when they’re struggling to remember it themselves