To not want to give my DSD the money we would have spent on her holiday

[ZestLemon]

We're a family of five: myself, my husband, our two children (12 & 14), and my stepdaughter, who is 18.

My stepdaughter lives with her mum full time and is very much in independent 'mode' now, so rather than following a set routine she comes over whenever she wants.

We're booked to go to Disney World in Florida next year with our two children doe 3 weeks, we are doing all the big attractions such as universal too. We invited my stepdaughter to come too, but she has said Disney isn't really her thing and she didn't think she'd enjoy it. Fine, not a problem!

However, her mum has now had the cheek texted saying that because my stepdaughter isn't coming, we should give DSD the equivalent amount of money that we would have spent on her so she can go on holiday with her friends instead.....

AIBU, or is she mad?!? We have said no but she is now texting all sorts of abuse.

The Disney trip is costing us over 10k and we are only doing a cheap trip this year to save for it.
Yes, we have spent less because she's chosen not to come, but that was entirely her decision.

So you are happy to spend 1K or however much on a 3 week holiday for her, but you won't contribute 1K to her uni costs when that is far more important? Genuinely, I don't get it.

You say it's not relevant but it probably helps explain why the ex has made such an unreasonable demand.

It doesn’t sound as if dsd is asking tho? So she might have actually accepted it and it’s her mum who thinks it is unfair. Maybe try talking to dsd and see if she wants to do a weekend with her dad in lieu of the holiday.

If your step-daughter is 18, why oh why are you still accepting abuse from her mother?

And 18-yr-old or 5-yr-old kid, there is NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE — EITHER VERBAL OR WRITTEN!!!

BLOCK THE BITCH.

Having more money than you is not the same thing as being loaded.

While it isn’t unusual for parents to contribute towards holiday costs, it also isn’t unreasonable for them not to. The holiday on offer was Disney, and the SD said no.

If OP has to pay bribes in order to ‘keep the peace’, it’s not a peace worth keeping tbh. She’s blocked the mother anyway, and it’s not like she has to have anything further to do with her.

She's referring to the mother not the child

We went when dss was 18 - he got invited said thanks but no thanks and that was that!

People do have different perspectives, but my goodness, I agree, if you can spend 10k on a holiday, you are loaded.

(Further to me saying I would have been mortified if to Disney at age 18, we never had money to go away other than odd borrowed caravan at the seaside anyway).

Bonus marks for 'gobby goblin' @pimplebum !

The absolute cheek of her!!

And that 1k is going spare too - it's not been spent.

Id just block step daughters mum

Also this!

yes , I was a little reactive, but you know they turn 18 and surely you do all you can to support them till they are forever ? maybe if you can afford a Disney holiday, you can stick a bit in her holiday fund.

Eurgh, bloody men and their second families and screw the first child.
Sad. I feel very sorry for the daughter here. She deserves better. Why couldn't you have found a holiday she'd enjoy too? Of course it is because you didn't want to, and I bet you knew it wasn't her cup of tea either.

You will 100% be treating your own children better than this when they turn 18, I can guarantee it.

Is she renting at uni 100% full-time and not ever expecting to go home to her mother's? Will her mother manage to keep a room for her so she always has a roof over her head when she needs it? Was the mother financially disadvantaged during her relationship with your partner and in the time afterwards, as is usually the case?

me and DC go with my parents 😁
We are invited, never assume, and they do have another without us.

Quite. They've chosen a really expensive "family" holiday that they will have known the DSD was unlikely to want to go on.

Exactly. Galling for the first daughter that they have money for a holiday for the second family but not money to help with uni.

Men: do better and provide better for your first family
Women: why pick men who have kids already? Where is your sense of worth?!

That's very cheeky of the mum to ask for money

She might have learnt there is no point asking ….

The DSD was invited.

For all we know it’s OP paying for the holiday, not her husband. If OP chooses to support her own children at Uni presumably it will be because they are her own children.

If you can afford to and she is booking a holiday with friends throwing her £500 towards it would be a nice gesture, I would do that for ds it would be less than it would cost for him to come with us at that age!

I totally agree with you on the holiday, no cash alternative, however are you certain uni doesn't count for CMS purposes? I thought it was payable until 21 if they were studying.

Do I think it should be as transactional as giving her the equivalent amount of this holiday to spend on an alternative just because she doesn't want to go on yours? No.

Do I think that when you have an 18 year old who wants to go on a holiday with her friends, works very part time before uni and you can afford to give her something towards it (given the huge amount you've spent on your own children and the substantial amount you've saved by her not coming), you should? Yes.

But you picked something your kids want to do and are excited about. And that happens to be something really expensive that your step daughter doesn't want to do.

I can still see why she feels hard done by, although it's down to her dad that she's missing out since you are providing a fun family trip for both your children and he's only catering to two of his three children.

I assume he didn't offer her a dad and daughter trip this year either?

OP hasn’t actually said anything about what costs will be covered at uni. She has specifically said she isn’t answering about that.

Posters until now have been projecting and gathering in the village with their pitchforks.

This has all come from a poster asking when the CMS stops so that the mum of DSD is out of the picture. The OP confirmed that it was due to stop, but she did not say that there would be no money for DSD, didn’t say anything about refusing to cover any university costs etc.

People have just whipped themselves into a frenzy, when all this thread was about was how rude it was for DM of DSD to demand thousands for a holiday that DSD was invited on but chose not to join in on. And that she sent abuse to them about it.

We know nothing about how much the OPs DH will be giving to her DSD while at uni because it is irrelevant. Don’t jump on the bandwagon with the masses who have put 2 and 2 together to get 312

10k for a holiday but nothing to support a uni student is pretty poor form tbh