To not want to give my DSD the money we would have spent on her holiday

[ZestLemon]

We're a family of five: myself, my husband, our two children (12 & 14), and my stepdaughter, who is 18.

My stepdaughter lives with her mum full time and is very much in independent 'mode' now, so rather than following a set routine she comes over whenever she wants.

We're booked to go to Disney World in Florida next year with our two children doe 3 weeks, we are doing all the big attractions such as universal too. We invited my stepdaughter to come too, but she has said Disney isn't really her thing and she didn't think she'd enjoy it. Fine, not a problem!

However, her mum has now had the cheek texted saying that because my stepdaughter isn't coming, we should give DSD the equivalent amount of money that we would have spent on her so she can go on holiday with her friends instead.....

AIBU, or is she mad?!? We have said no but she is now texting all sorts of abuse.

The Disney trip is costing us over 10k and we are only doing a cheap trip this year to save for it.
Yes, we have spent less because she's chosen not to come, but that was entirely her decision.

It would be appropriate for her DF to take her off on a trip focused on something she would like, especially if you've never gone on a similar trip when she was of an age to enjoy it. But not to just give her money for a solo holiday unless he was planning on giving her that anyway. Family holidays aren't about funding independent fun, they're about building family bonds and memories.

He should be providing some support more generally now she's 18, though, unless you're parenting style is just to kick all the kids out at 18 sink or swim style.

Unlikely though, innit. I can hear that OP isn't keen on the first family daughter.

She can support her own kids, but she should be ashamed of her partner if he doesn't support his first child. They don't stop needing help in this day and age with the cost of living as brutal as it is, and uni being so costly. If only he'd thought of that before bringing more kids into the world when he can't or won't support his first child adequately. HATE men like this, absolutely hate them.

Wrong

I'm sorry, but just why? (and did you not read the OP's update that DSD has already been on holiday to Ibiza with her friends?)

Her father asked her to come on holiday with him and the OP. I can quite understand why, in the context of blended families, that DSD may choose not to.

But that really does not imply any sort of obligation to pay for her to have a different holiday instead.

And her father isn't contributing anything?

I just wondered if DSD had ethical reasons for not going to America?

I agree Disney wouldn’t be much fun for an ethically aware 18 year old.

Hopefully DSD will use the time to build funds for Uni and flourish

That's a crock.

My youngest's high school senior trip was to Disney and it was packed, all 17 and 18 year olds. They had a great time.

I used to live in FL an hour away and tons of teens and 20s went to Disney.

Actually, for all we know, she could have thought 'I'll save them the money and not go as I won't really enjoy it'.

You've avoided it because he's not going to be paying is he?

How nasty.

I can see the point of view that the expensive holiday was chosen with the younger siblings in mind (even though plenty of adults do enjoy Disneyland) so she might feel miffed about that. But would DSD have come with you on a different sort of holiday? Probably not. I don’t think many parents would fund a separate holiday for DCs that don’t want to join in a family trip.

"will you say the same to your own children at 18 - come with us or nothing?"

My parents basically did say that to me. In my second year at university I did take them up on that offer and they paid for me and my boyfriend to join them and my younger siblings on a summer holiday in a fancy hotel in Greece.

They're going to Sea World as well . Anyone with a shred of decency and a conscience would avoid it.

The OP comes across as so gleeful the step daughter isn't going.

At 18? I funded a month's interail. Without question.

That isn't what you said on your previous post.

On your previous post you questioned why the OP was keeping in touch with her DSD now that she is over the age of 18

No I don't think she should have the money instead. Being your step daughter isn't relevant, other than for the fact her mother has got involved. Ours are over 18. If they want to join us on holiday, we pay for their flight and accommodation, if they don't we don't give them the equivalent in cash. One rarely comes, the other usually does.

The OP said DSD will be getting the maximum loans. Why would she need to do this if her father was offering some support?

It would also be easy for the OP to simply say they will offer financial support at Uni - but she hasn’t, rather there’s just been a one liner about CMS ending and in response to a post re: cutting funding the OP stated that the holiday offer was an example of not doing this - hardly comparable - and if uni support was being offered why not just say so?

It’s not about frenzy/pitchforks. It’s about context.

As I have posted above the cash for holiday request is utterly unreasonable.

But by the same token I can well imagine the mum (and I’m a SM btw) and daughter being pretty peeved about cutting all financial support through uni and saddling DSD with more debt that is potentially necessary and I think that’s pretty shitty if that’s the case (and for reference yes, DH and I supported DSC through uni by paying the money that had gone to their mum directly to them which covered their course fees and a good chunk of accommodation costs).

If DSD is getting a full loan, he doesn't need to contribute. That's the point of the full loan, she'll have the same funding as most others - at zero cost to the family. Then, she'll only repay at the same rate as someone who only had the minimum loan, so will have had more for less. Let's face it, no-one graduating now is ever going to clear their loan, whatever its size.

Did DSD come?

I am afraid I take the refusal to answer the question about uni fees as a big fat no.

With regards to the issue in hand though, DSD'a mum is a loon and you need to stick to your guns.

Okay, great. What does that have to do with the question Op asked, though?

Any chance she's told her mum she's upset you chose a holiday based on her siblings likes rather than splurging on something they would all like to do?

I think if I was planning an extravagant holiday I'd talk to everyone about what they'd like to do first. 18 might be legally an adult, but she's still a teenager that deserves as much consideration as her half siblings. She's hardly 35 with kids of her own.

Who did the mother ask for the money? Yourself, himself or myself?

(reflective pronoun, reflective pronoun, reflective pronoun - can we please stop with all the bleeding myself, yourself nonsense).

We’ve just came back with a 20yo & a 16yo. Because we were out of school holidays you saw the real mix of older families like ours, couples, a hen party was there. Hen dressed in mini ears and an fairytale wedding dress with ridiculous clogged shoes and all the hens dressed in traditional mini outfit. If she has been before fair enough. But she’s missing out if she hasn’t been but that’s her choice. Wonder if mom had the opinion as the poster saying she told old and it’s put her off

People are allowed to not enjoy Disney and it sounds like they’ve been put to Orlando before. Of all the things in the post I’m not sure why people are so incredulous that the dsd didn’t want to go!!

(I personally love Disney but know loads of people who just aren’t interested 🤷‍♀️)

"DSD will also be working part time as her job is at a large chain and they are willing to transfer her as shes a good little worker."

That happened to me as well. I used to work for Sainsburys in the city where I grew up, while I was in the sixth form. I then transferred to the Kilburn High Road branch in London about 3 miles from my university halls of residence.

YANBU. Of course you don't owe her £5000 or whatever her share would have cost. I think it's an entirely separate thing. When i stopped going on holiday with my parents, they never offered me money towards my own holidays - nor did I expect it. Clearly she does have enough money for holidays as she's just been away.

I think the maintenance / uni help is a different matter but that's not the question!