To not want to give my DSD the money we would have spent on her holiday

[ZestLemon]

We're a family of five: myself, my husband, our two children (12 & 14), and my stepdaughter, who is 18.

My stepdaughter lives with her mum full time and is very much in independent 'mode' now, so rather than following a set routine she comes over whenever she wants.

We're booked to go to Disney World in Florida next year with our two children doe 3 weeks, we are doing all the big attractions such as universal too. We invited my stepdaughter to come too, but she has said Disney isn't really her thing and she didn't think she'd enjoy it. Fine, not a problem!

However, her mum has now had the cheek texted saying that because my stepdaughter isn't coming, we should give DSD the equivalent amount of money that we would have spent on her so she can go on holiday with her friends instead.....

AIBU, or is she mad?!? We have said no but she is now texting all sorts of abuse.

The Disney trip is costing us over 10k and we are only doing a cheap trip this year to save for it.
Yes, we have spent less because she's chosen not to come, but that was entirely her decision.

I don’t know anyone whose parents contributed towards uni fees so the word appalling is a bit of a stretch. Uni isn’t mandatory it’s an option and a choice.

New family?! We have been together for over 15 years.

I just feel it sad that because a child turns 18, 19 whatever you can just relinquish all care .

Uni isnt included as full time education for CMS purposes.

Off topic now but I found that older teens are far more likely to unabashedly join in and embrace the Disney spirit. Mine wore ears and shoulder companions and proactively sought out meet and greets to get family photos! And the most brilliant aspect of taking older teens is you can buy them a coffee when they are flagging, and they can stay until the end with no qualms. In fact, my three went off to do rides themselves whilst DH and I collapsed into a drink/seat.

They're asking to go back again next year... They'll be 20, 18 and 16!

Yanbu at all and the people trying to make it out like this is even remotely unreasonable are nuts. Your DSD should have it out with her dad if she’s bothered, DSD’s mum has nothing to do with this.

But I bet if you HAD gone you would have absolutely loved it. Epcot especially is full of teenagers (drinking around the world). It’s simply very difficult to be bored there whatever age.

If she’s already been to Disney then I guess she has a fair idea she won’t enjoy it? Not sure why the dsd is being criticised for not wanting to go.

Agreed , time to block mum

You haven't answered directly whether your husband will be paying towards her uni costs but given that you've avoided it.

I have avoided it because it has no relevance to the thread.

Ok well I don't know anyone who can afford Disney holidays who didn't contribute at least something to university costs, so yes I am appalled. To not even send a bit of money for food while splurging 10K on a holiday? Crazy.

I mean, I don’t agree with OPs stance, but you’re absolutely wrong about an 18 year old not enjoying Disney!

I agree with this. 18 is not a true adult in my world. My exH has given my young adult DC money towards holidays as there is no way she could fund that with her minimum wage part time job.

the issue here is that if your dsd was your daughter then she would have been involved in planning the trip and you might have gone for half the trip to somewhere she actually wanted to go - e.g. New York.

Stepmum is bonkers.

It’s a completely discusdion than the hols - where I feel your answer is very fair.

But Uni? Unless you’re also expecting your dcs to pay their way full when going to Uni (and I suspect not) , then I feel your dh should support his dd too.
The loans might allow her to live but that’s still her fully funding her Uni years as she will have to repay them. If you’re planning to help the other two, then you should do it for her too.

That's a bit dramatic though. She's still going to have 2 parents to fall back on, she's not being booted out of anyone's life. I honestly don't know how people cope financially these days the way it's expected to just keep paying for young adults lives.

When I was young it was the norm to start working and pay money to our parents for living in their house. Parents didn't just keep funding their adult children. Now it's buy them a car, fund uni, save a house deposit for them then be full-time childcare when the grandkids come along to save them even more money.

I was in my heavy metal phase - I would never have lived it down ;-)

This

She turned 18 and we still offered to take her disneyworld for 3 weeks!! fully paid!... hardly relinquishing all care

I’m in my 40s and it’s only having my own kids that stopped me joining parent on holiday. I was well past mid 30s on the last one!

When are you going?

My mums in her sixties and has been four times now and booked for Christmas. She takes no children or grandchildren with her.

So I agree it’s for all ages 😅

Ummmm you are loaded !!!!

you have booked a 10 grand holiday and if i read you right you are having a cheap (?) holiday this year to save money because of the Disney trip

for context i have had no holiday whatsoever since having kids and won’t be having one until they are off my hands so 20 odd years of no holiday

id not want to give money because the ex has been a gobby goblin but i may quietly offer the girl £500 to keep the peace or maybe suggest you will march whatever she earns to a limit of £2000

Agree with this. He can clearly chip in to uni costs. I guarantee you will do the same for your children if they decide to go.

I would happily give her a decent spends contribution if she books with her friends.
at her age the best gift would be to stay in her dad’s home alone whilst you are away 😂