To not want to give my DSD the money we would have spent on her holiday

[ZestLemon]

We're a family of five: myself, my husband, our two children (12 & 14), and my stepdaughter, who is 18.

My stepdaughter lives with her mum full time and is very much in independent 'mode' now, so rather than following a set routine she comes over whenever she wants.

We're booked to go to Disney World in Florida next year with our two children doe 3 weeks, we are doing all the big attractions such as universal too. We invited my stepdaughter to come too, but she has said Disney isn't really her thing and she didn't think she'd enjoy it. Fine, not a problem!

However, her mum has now had the cheek texted saying that because my stepdaughter isn't coming, we should give DSD the equivalent amount of money that we would have spent on her so she can go on holiday with her friends instead.....

AIBU, or is she mad?!? We have said no but she is now texting all sorts of abuse.

The Disney trip is costing us over 10k and we are only doing a cheap trip this year to save for it.
Yes, we have spent less because she's chosen not to come, but that was entirely her decision.

You sound gleeful about this . Will you be binning your kids off when they turn 18 ? I don’t mean to be insensitive but children are your children for ever ,

I actually find it appalling your husband isn't planning to contribute to her university costs at all. 10K for a luxury trip for his new family, zero for something as vital as a degree?

You say she'll get max loans like it's a good thing, have you not been paying attention to the student loan scandal and how young people are being drowned in debt bc of high interest rates?

His ex is unreasonable but maybe she understands that a shift and a half at min wage won't go far no matter how cheap the area is.

CMS won't stop next month then. She'll still be on full time education at Uni...?

A friend of mine just did Disney again with her kids, eldest is 20, youngest is 15.

personally I don’t like theme parks but many many adults absolutely do, it’s definitely not just for kids

🤦‍♀️ omg if you really can’t understand that it’s a nice thing for a dad to give his daughter a bit of money towards a holiday with her friends when she’s 18 then I give up!

I agree she doesn't get a lump sum in lieu of a holiday. I also agree that her mum is seeing one last chance to get some cash as CMS comes to an end. If you gave DSD the full £2,500 I wonder how much of it she would actually see.

However I'm not sure about this post I've quoted. You haven't answered directly whether your husband will be paying towards her uni costs but given that you've avoided it (and that you have given reasons why she apparently won't need it) I suspect the answer is no. I'm not sure I like his attitude. His - or yours - seems to be that 'if I don't HAVE to, I'm not going to.' Most parents, if they can, offer some support to their kids at uni. Assuming - as you're going to Disney - that you could it seems very tight not to. That's between him and DSD, her mum isn't part of it.

Give her a grand because she decided she doesn’t want to go on an all expenses paid holiday…why?

she is an adult, she either goes or she doesn’t but she doesn’t get a grand. Maybe some spending money for a holiday she has paid for herself as a treat, but not a holiday.

And why do so many people think that 18 year olds don’t want to go to Disney…mine is 18 and has been every (non-Covid) year since he was 2…he is never going to stop loving it. My late 60s mother started coming back with us after my dad passed (he couldn’t come as was paraplegic) and loves it. I don’t think people realise how amazing a trip to Orlando actually is, for all ages.

Tell me you know nothing about Disney World without telling me 🤦‍♀️

You know it’s not just princesses and baby rides right?

I agree with this.

No one should be demanding anything and it doesn’t have to be the full amount but by her not going it is saving you hundreds of pounds.

I wouldn’t think twice about contributing to my 18yos holiday with her friends.

I would just block the mum.

Pretty sure churros, Guardian of the galaxy and Star Wars don't have an upper age limit.
😄 In fact at 18 you're old enough to appreciate the snacks AND the rollercoasters. Sounds ideal.

And at around 25 you start appreciating just sitting by the water in Celebration having a cup of coffee and watch the turtles!

Disney is for everyone, not just children.

@ZestLemon honestly, as dsd is 18, all contact is direct, her mother doesn’t need to be in contact at all, so block her on all phones and restrict her to email only

this is what worked for my h and his batshit ex.

Your a DSD's mum is being unreasonable but I hope her dad is still planning on supporting her a bit through uni. It sounds like your planning to not support her at all

We are already doing Disney, Universal, discovery cove, sea world... Not sure what else I was supposed to offer?

Did you contribute towards the holiday in Ibiza? I think it would be nice to contribute to one trip away with friends post a levels. I think it is ludicrous that you would give her the exact amount that you would save from not taking her to Disney though.

Ds26 and GF came with us on a five day break earlier in the year - but they did pay for three evening meals!

Which is absolutely reasonable in the real world. Can't imagine giving my children money in exchange if they don't want to come on a holiday with us! The mum is batshit crazy! I would tell her "the offer is a holiday not cash".

Nope. The offer was the holiday, she doesn’t want to go, fine, there isn’t a cash reward instead

Yes we have already been to orlando.

Absolutely mad.

she’s been offered a holiday. She declined. Game over.

if she wants a different holiday - she can pay.

Quite a few disagreements with me saying that, so maybe I'm wrong. No I've never been (or wished to). But I would have been mortified at the thought of going to Disney at age 18 (or 14, btw). Maybe she is envisaging having to tag along with the younger kids and their happy parents...

Haha, how does she sound 'gleeful'? She was answering a question put to her.

I agree.
I would definitely contribute to her holiday.

Gleeful? I wrote one sentence...