To not want to give my DSD the money we would have spent on her holiday

[ZestLemon]

We're a family of five: myself, my husband, our two children (12 & 14), and my stepdaughter, who is 18.

My stepdaughter lives with her mum full time and is very much in independent 'mode' now, so rather than following a set routine she comes over whenever she wants.

We're booked to go to Disney World in Florida next year with our two children doe 3 weeks, we are doing all the big attractions such as universal too. We invited my stepdaughter to come too, but she has said Disney isn't really her thing and she didn't think she'd enjoy it. Fine, not a problem!

However, her mum has now had the cheek texted saying that because my stepdaughter isn't coming, we should give DSD the equivalent amount of money that we would have spent on her so she can go on holiday with her friends instead.....

AIBU, or is she mad?!? We have said no but she is now texting all sorts of abuse.

The Disney trip is costing us over 10k and we are only doing a cheap trip this year to save for it.
Yes, we have spent less because she's chosen not to come, but that was entirely her decision.

Ds19 didn't come on our family hol this year, it was a big one (he had the option) we did help him out on his hol instead with friends though. He didn't demand it we just thought it was fair he just finished exams & probably heading to uni if all goes well. And shocker we will help him through that too somewhat.

I went to Disney with my family at 18 and had a great time!

It absolutely is, up to age 23 or end of uni, whichever is first. That's comimg from a sixth form college teacher. You are 100% wrong about this. He's a complete and utter shit if he doesn't send her any money while she's at uni. The full maintenance loan has fallen WAY behind the cost of living. Fwiw I agree with you about the original issue. The best argument I've read on this thread that applies to the holiday is: if you invite someone out for dinner and they decline, you don't send them £50.

I'm with you @PhaedraTwo

There is a steely (and almost self-congratulating) unkindness that manifests toward stepchildren in many of these threads, and, while I am not a stepchild myself, I find them really disturbing.

Sounds fairly normal to me.

Wonder how many groups of 18 year olds can pay for that

You are talking absolute rubbish

No. That's crazy. The money isn't a gift. The experience would have been the gift. Tell her the greed shown by her abuse just confirms the rightness of your decision.

To be frank, I don’t find your SD completely unreasonable. You are going on holidays with your DC in mind so that’s why you chose Disneyland. You didn’t offer to change destination to accommodate what she wants too and she refused to join. It is always hard to be the kid that just needs to tag alone with the “main”family. I appreciate it’s annoying but it will be nice if your DH gives her some money to go on holidays with her friends or spends them as she like. And to all the people that they will say she is 18 years old, she is an adult, she can have her own money etc. Have you seen the job market?! It’s tough to even get a retail job. So be more understanding.

The problem is that they didn’t have a family discussion including the SD and all agreed to go there. They clearly decided to go to Disneyland with the younger kids in mind. It would have been thoughtful to discuss it as “one” family and agree on the destination. If then her SD didn’t want to join anything, rightfully so not to give her money.