To not want to give my DSD the money we would have spent on her holiday

[ZestLemon]

We're a family of five: myself, my husband, our two children (12 & 14), and my stepdaughter, who is 18.

My stepdaughter lives with her mum full time and is very much in independent 'mode' now, so rather than following a set routine she comes over whenever she wants.

We're booked to go to Disney World in Florida next year with our two children doe 3 weeks, we are doing all the big attractions such as universal too. We invited my stepdaughter to come too, but she has said Disney isn't really her thing and she didn't think she'd enjoy it. Fine, not a problem!

However, her mum has now had the cheek texted saying that because my stepdaughter isn't coming, we should give DSD the equivalent amount of money that we would have spent on her so she can go on holiday with her friends instead.....

AIBU, or is she mad?!? We have said no but she is now texting all sorts of abuse.

The Disney trip is costing us over 10k and we are only doing a cheap trip this year to save for it.
Yes, we have spent less because she's chosen not to come, but that was entirely her decision.

OP can say no on her own behalf. But cannot say no on behalf of her DH. Although reading the posts, I’m guessing the DH does what he’s told to avoid the drama which has probably been very evident in this ‘blended family’ since his marriage.

This would be a no from me with a swift don't ask again folliwing. Tell her straight, subject is closed.

No chance she's an adult now ... cheek of that .

YANBU to not give her all the money.

DSD chose not to go, fair enough
However I do think it would have been nice for you and your DH to have offered to contribute something towards a holiday with her mates. Not the entire amount it might have cost her to come to Disney but maybe a few hundred quid. If you can afford to take your two kids to Disney and also her too I don’t think it would have been too much to have made the offer to begin with. I can see why she wouldn’t want to go to Disney at 18.

Not too late at all. Not her child. Not her responsibility. Let DH deal with it, but I suspect OP would prefer to be in the thick of it and control the situation….

@Livelovebehappy you have taken. My post out of context .

I can't remember the exact wording but it was to do with ops DH choosing her and ops DD having no control over it. However now that man has had another two DC it's a bit late for anyone to back out.

Poor bloody kid.

OP, one of the things you seem to be ‘dodging’ is that an 18 year old obviously doesn’t want to go to Disneyworld. You’re taking the two children to Disney and acting like offering a young adult the same deal is equivalent - it’s not, she’s not a child. It’s totally normal for her to want to do her own thing, and personally I do think it’s a bit shitty to not give her some money towards her own age-appropriate holiday when you’ve already admitted it would have been significantly more money to take your adult SD to Disney too. I’m not saying count the pennies, but surely even a couple of hundred quid (when it sounds like you would have spent more than a thousand on her??) would be the decent thing to do? The poor girl probably just wants you to remember she’s not a child like the other two…

Made my last comment then saw all of your posts.

I actually feel quite sorry for your DSD. If the tone of your posts are anything like the atmosphere in your home when your DSD is there or reflects the way she is treated by you then I’m not surprised that she doesn’t want to go. You are incredibly defensive and you come across as an unpleasant person to have as a step-mum. I hope her father does better by her. You don’t seem to like her.

Yes, because men lack all autonomy, and cannot possibly make their own decisions. There must be a woman to blame.

The ex wife asked, and they both said no.

Op is the higher earner, bringing in the majority of the household income. It’s more likely than not that she paid for the majority of it.

What you’re asking for information about is not relevant to what she asked, or anything she cares about opinions on. She was asking about one specific thing that she detailed in her OP.

In fairness to her, it wasn't really a choice aimed at an 18 year old, was it.

To be honest, I know a lot of families who actually crank up the support post 18. For instance, assistance with house deposits etc.

I know not every family can afford to do that, but there is no rule that the tap must be turned off. Moreover, there needs to be some sort of parity with whatever is being handed out. And if one thing isn't appropriate for a particular child, you need to find something that is.

Eg, friends gave their dc a car on their 18 birthday but one is disabled and will never drive so an equivalent alternative was given.

i don’t think you are being unreasonable at all she’s already been to Ibiza and I agree Disney is for anyone I’ll come with you right now 😂

Everyone on here is bonkers! You’ve offered a grown adult a full all expenses paid for trip to Disney. She doesn’t want to go, that’s on her. She doesn’t deserve to be given the money that you’ve saved. And all these people saying maybe she wants 1:1 time with her dad, well she’s old enough to ask for this should she wish. She’s 18 not 8, she also has her mother who can pay for trips too. OP has been on her life a long time, her siblings are not step siblings. I say this as the product of a blended family too! You’ve been overly generous OP, don’t be bullied. Mumsnet loves to villainise the step mum, without acknowledging the wider dynamics

What Disney?? Thought people of all ages went there

No wonder the mum thinks you are loaded ...

18 year olds don't go with their old folk, SM and young children.

Maybe with a group their age.

Ive been lucky enough to do disney and universal about 10 times in my life, from the age of 12 to 44. I enjoyed it just as much, if not more, going at 19 and in my 20s than I did when I was younger. Went last year and still loved it. Will probably go again in 2 years. There are all ages there. Not everyone loves it but it definitely isn't aimed at any particular age

I know. I've been.

But through the teenage years, the people you visit with make a difference.

Some people (and this isn't a jibe) will always be more inclined to Disney. A lot of teens, however, park their "inner child" as a developmental phase, even if they are happier to rediscover it later. It isn't an instinctively good choice for a typical older teen. And it certainly seems not to have been a good choice for this teen, as she doesn't want to go, which is the key factor here: it was chosen without her input.

It’s a measured response to completely unhinged posters.

This poor girl has turned down a holiday to Disney. Check your sympathy. It’s needed elsewhere!! (Yeah 2)

Fuck no! She’s an adult and her mother is a CF

My cousin went there for her honeymoon.

You always see several proposals in front of the castle every day.

Jesus Christ OP, these comments are completely unhinged. I’ve just read all of your comments in this thread to try and figure out WTF some of these people are talking about. DSD is an adult, of course a cash incentive shouldn’t be given for her to not attend a wonderful family holiday. She’s been going on girls holidays already, been given the option to attend a family holiday (that she has been on before with you), and you’re the wicked stepmother, it’s wild! The people even asking about her uni expenses, you’re right, nothing at all to do with this post.

She sounds very entitled.

Just ignore her.