To not want to give my DSD the money we would have spent on her holiday

[ZestLemon]

We're a family of five: myself, my husband, our two children (12 & 14), and my stepdaughter, who is 18.

My stepdaughter lives with her mum full time and is very much in independent 'mode' now, so rather than following a set routine she comes over whenever she wants.

We're booked to go to Disney World in Florida next year with our two children doe 3 weeks, we are doing all the big attractions such as universal too. We invited my stepdaughter to come too, but she has said Disney isn't really her thing and she didn't think she'd enjoy it. Fine, not a problem!

However, her mum has now had the cheek texted saying that because my stepdaughter isn't coming, we should give DSD the equivalent amount of money that we would have spent on her so she can go on holiday with her friends instead.....

AIBU, or is she mad?!? We have said no but she is now texting all sorts of abuse.

The Disney trip is costing us over 10k and we are only doing a cheap trip this year to save for it.
Yes, we have spent less because she's chosen not to come, but that was entirely her decision.

Thread was about inviting your step daughter on holiday, and her declining but asking for the money…nothing to do with uni, or abandoning her, but people cannot understand at all.

Well, it appears that you can’t understand that the stepdaughter was not the one that asked for money. However, many times it has been stated here.

Haha that explains your projection onto the OP.

But this whole post is about arrangements between OP’s husband and his daughter and really nothing to do with OP.

Are you joking. I was summarising, I couldn’t be bothered to write out about the dsd’s dm, it is also unclear whether or not dsd’s dm is asking of her own volition or if Dsd asked dsd’s dm to ask…you see how much more complex that was with all of the extra initials

Pay attention! Step daughter lives full time with her mother.

People do use the word ‘projection’ willy-nilly on here. It makes me cringe a bit.

It gives me great joy to treat my young adult children when I can. They are early 20s now and we are a close, loving and generous family. But I am from a background where we don’t relinquish all support on an 18th birthday.

Your getting loads of hate for this and I dont see why. She was welcome to come and you was offering to pay for her, she didnt want to so shes not. Maybe a dad and daughter break is a nice idea or "treating" her in some way would be nice but you dont owe her money. At 18 my parents didnt pay for my holidays or anything really. I paid for my own luxuries they made sure I had basics if I needed , I paid for my own car, phone, holidays, clothes and social events.

Pay attention…she does NOW through choice. She is also 18 now. We know absolutely nothing about where she lived when she was under the age of 18 and what the custody arrangements were.

Guys, you are going to have to stop belabouring your point by creating false ‘facts’ or using existing facts to make statements that cannot be proven.

FFS reading and comprehension should be tested before allowing people to post

Summarising does not mean writing incorrect points. A summary should be clear and not mislead. It is not fair that this 18-year-old has been vilified here as a brat demanding money, when the only information we have been given is that her mother has asked for the cash.

Or…she’d rather go to Ibiza again with her friend. Just saying.

Guys, you are going to have to stop belabouring your point by creating false ‘facts’ or using existing facts to make statements that cannot be proven.
FFS reading and comprehension should be tested before allowing people to post

I am amused at your hypocrisy when you have literally just written that the stepdaughter asked for the money, without knowing the facts.

And as for ‘Guys’…

q@Millytante that's such a sweet post and the ideal really for any daughter dad . Remeber a girls relationship with her dad helps form her future relationships and how she lets men treat her.
Sadly in this case nothing seems respectful at all and nothing ideal. A teen asking for money has kicked off this shit stom of outrage 😪

Again, it’s not the teen that has asked for a penny. The OP said it’s her mother that asked.

I don’t think that is the case, and I’m certainly not someone who has vilified her in anyway, other than thinking she is a clown for not going to Disney.

all I have done is to say that the posters who are saying the OPs husband is not paying for uni etc are all banging on about something completely irrelevant and projecting.

I feel like you’ve missed the point I was trying to make. The thread is about whether or not it is unreasonable not to give DSD the monetary equivalent of the holiday…and people have ripped her apart for a whole myriad of unknowns based on their assumptions.

You see that right?

We need a facepalm emoji to respond with.

Why don’t you try to get back on topic…I’m done engaging…however I am sure you are about to come up with some other nonsense just to have the last word, enjoy it 🫣

No, it’s about whether OP is being unreasonable in saying no to the stepdaughter’s mother demanding cash in lieu of the holiday that was offered (primarily paid for by OP).

She's presumably had her childhood holidays already and you were just doing a nice family thing to extend that to when she is now an adult. I'm sure when your 12 and 14 year old turn 18 you will do the same, that is offer to pay for them to come on holiday with you and not give them an alternative cash gift if they choose not to go.

Further on, it is clear that the OP doesn’t appear to like her step daughter ( the double exclamation mark when CMS stops.)

This is brilliant 😆Do you work in the highly scientific field of punctuation analysis?

We don’t know that it was primarily paid for by the OP. As with most things, OP doesn’t discuss or just says they are not relevant when they are.
OP, is entitled to her privacy but then Why start a thread about what is going on between her husband and his daughter.

Ridiculous! She either goes on holiday with you and is lucky to have it paid for or doesn't go. Quite simple really...

This is outrageous. 😂😂

Just reading the actual statements from the OP and responding to the question asked - not projecting about hurt feelings, university allowances or how much time she spends with her Dad…

@ZestLemon you are not being unreasonable to ignore and block this demand from your DH’s ex.

What I’d do is next year ahead of your trip - save up something like the equivalent of SDS’s flight and give her that towards her summer plans.

It will be unconnected to the Ex’s demand by then. DSD will be 19 - have completed her first year at uni etc - you can spin it as a well done on working so hard etc - so it doesn’t become an expectation that there’s always a cash alternative to turning down family plans.

I'm cringing at you expecting everyone to just have 'envelopes' of spare cash lying around to hand over to family.

Too much responsibility? She’s an adult and her friend would be too. My dd was living away at uni when she was 18.

Yes she’s being cheeky but if you could afford to take her with you and spend £450 on her flight then I would probably offer her £450 towards a holiday with her friends.

No, OP doesn’t owe her money. She’s not the parent here. DH chose her. SD didn’t, so would have no expectations of her - OP is just someone her dad chose to marry. However, dsd’s dad might want to contribute to a holiday, which he is entitled to do so. Too many step parents think they can interfere with how their partners interact with their DCs. This should be solely between dsd, her dad and her mum. OP should just….butt out.