To not want to give my DSD the money we would have spent on her holiday

[ZestLemon]

We're a family of five: myself, my husband, our two children (12 & 14), and my stepdaughter, who is 18.

My stepdaughter lives with her mum full time and is very much in independent 'mode' now, so rather than following a set routine she comes over whenever she wants.

We're booked to go to Disney World in Florida next year with our two children doe 3 weeks, we are doing all the big attractions such as universal too. We invited my stepdaughter to come too, but she has said Disney isn't really her thing and she didn't think she'd enjoy it. Fine, not a problem!

However, her mum has now had the cheek texted saying that because my stepdaughter isn't coming, we should give DSD the equivalent amount of money that we would have spent on her so she can go on holiday with her friends instead.....

AIBU, or is she mad?!? We have said no but she is now texting all sorts of abuse.

The Disney trip is costing us over 10k and we are only doing a cheap trip this year to save for it.
Yes, we have spent less because she's chosen not to come, but that was entirely her decision.

Surely your dhs decision. If he wants to contribute to her holiday, upto him. And as long as the money comes out of his pot and not yours. Dont get involved.

Id try and offer to do something more grown up and nice with her, either both of you or her and her DF - theatre, fancy dinner, day trip kinda thing so she knows youll invest money and time in her and her interests but giving her cash because she declined.. thats nonsense absolutely not. Let her mum pay if she thinks the grown ups should

How much alone time your step daughter spends with her father is relevant and is not her fault.

I don't think it's a terrible idea tbf, although mum is a CF for demanding it and sending abusive texts. I realise that I'm a lone voice, so no flaming please. However if it was a different holiday, I would think differently but Disneyland with her much younger siblings - did you and DH really expect her to say yes (that's a serious question btw). Perhaps it feels deliberate to her. I wouldn't necessarily give her the whole share but if she's going on holiday with her friends, I would give her something towards it. Maybe I'm projecting but when I was 18 that would have been my idea of the holiday from hell!

You've had a bit of a kicking on here for absolutely no reason. Yanbu at all. My daughter is 19 and has chosen not to come on the last 2 family holidays, it didn't even enter my head to offer her money instead, it wouldn't have entered her head to ask for it either. If she had asked for it she'd be getting extremely short shrift!

We've also never paid for her to holiday with her friends, she's paid for that herself through her part time wages.

Also we are taking our two younger kids to Disney this year, she's not coming there either. Obviously we must be terrible parents according to some on here 🤷

I just dont get why OP even needs to be involved? Surely when dh was paying child support he was paying it out of his wage, not hers? If DH can afford to contribute towards her holiday, then thats up to him.

What I can't tell is whether your step daughter herself has asked for this or whether it's her mother going off on a frolic of her own.

Assuming your step daughter is a reasonable person and her mother isn't, if you can afford it it would be kind to give her some cash next summer (not necessarily as much as you're spending on Disney). I don't know if a holiday would be priority spending for her next year given her income and uni costs etc. But cash will help.

We have paid and are planning another holiday for our adult children and their partners. We tell them where we are going and thankfully they always want to come. If they didn't fancy it, we wouldn't be offering cash alternatives. It sounds like DSD's mum rather than DSD has asked for a cash equivalent, to which I would say no. However, if DSD asked for a contribution to her planned holiday (if there is one) I would probably help out.

I know you are poking fun at me oh should I send her money for a kfc, bag of sweets and some Oreo’s. But that’s all things her siblings have had in last couple of days. What’s dad spent on her?
It doesn’t need to be exact but if it’s very one sided it will be noticed by her.

@ZestLemon Think some posters are projecting massively here and not reading your OP. If you would have proposed monetary compensation to DSD they would tear you down for bribing her to not come with you. That would be my take on it for sure. You have decided to go on a holiday and all children are invited. That's it. Or maybe your 14-year old will prefer getting some money and staying with friends as well...

As for uni my parents never contributed financially and I got loans like most of my friends. Can't believe people think it's a due to be supported through uni- there are grants and loans and you can work part time. It's a choice whereas some prefer to start working ft immediately.

This. Case closed

Bit late two kids down the line.

What a lovely post!

It is.

Absolutely not😂😂 ignore and laugh at he cheek!

actually though, I’ve worked out my mum owes me £986 for all the times I’ve declined a cake in Costa. I must get that off her.

What about her mother not supporting her at university? You haven't mentioned that.

If that's me, no you couldn't be more wrong. And you talk about "projecting"

These step parent threads horrify me.

By my count she has saved you plenty of other pounds 🤣

edited because I actually didn’t read properly.

but no not you specifically, people on here in general.

Haha love this…bet OP gets the blame somehow though

Well OP has told us she's on a low wage. I'll bet the step daughter spent the majority of her time with her mother so mother likely has already done more than her fair share.

Or they could have been 50:50 and dad still paid maintenance- you literally have zero way of knowing but still harp on about the same stuff

Have to say, a little trip with her dad would be a really excellent solution to this strange problem.
A girl of her age, on the brink of such an important life change, can be very close to her father, and his manner of respectful encouragement can set her on the right lines as she breaks away to be an independent young woman.
She has shared him with his second round of children during critical teenage years, and some intimacy must have been lost along the way.
A long weekend in Bath, say, or a visit to mooch around Hay on Wye and environs: a little trip with lots to see, which would dilute any initial feeling of ‘acquired unfamiliarity’ between them.
She could receive such a boost from having him to herself just briefly, practising being a young woman now, and being reassured that he will always be her champion in whatever she does; plus she could choose the destination of course, and have a lovely few days away!

That’s between OP’s DH and her father. If they want more time together I’m sure they can arrange it without OP needing to do anything.

OP isn’t her husband’s keeper and thus responsible for overseeing the decisions he makes regarding his oldest child.

Missing the point but I’m surprised you can do Disney for 3 weeks for £10k. I’ve never been but thought it would be a lot more for a family of 4.