To not want to give my DSD the money we would have spent on her holiday

[ZestLemon]

We're a family of five: myself, my husband, our two children (12 & 14), and my stepdaughter, who is 18.

My stepdaughter lives with her mum full time and is very much in independent 'mode' now, so rather than following a set routine she comes over whenever she wants.

We're booked to go to Disney World in Florida next year with our two children doe 3 weeks, we are doing all the big attractions such as universal too. We invited my stepdaughter to come too, but she has said Disney isn't really her thing and she didn't think she'd enjoy it. Fine, not a problem!

However, her mum has now had the cheek texted saying that because my stepdaughter isn't coming, we should give DSD the equivalent amount of money that we would have spent on her so she can go on holiday with her friends instead.....

AIBU, or is she mad?!? We have said no but she is now texting all sorts of abuse.

The Disney trip is costing us over 10k and we are only doing a cheap trip this year to save for it.
Yes, we have spent less because she's chosen not to come, but that was entirely her decision.

I absolutely don’t think she should get her holiday paid for in lieu of going on the Disney trip. However, if her dad is financially able to pay or contribute to a special post A level trip that is a very nice thing to do and if presented clearly does not lead to the expectation that it’s a join us or have cash for every future event she’s invited to. That can all be discussed between her and her dad.

My group of friends all had a post school trip paid for by our parents, we appreciated that we were lucky to have parents able and willing to do that. It was a one off and we were all helped with university costs and again like most people we all knew people who got more/ less/ nothing from parents. My DP also invited me that year and the next for nice family holidays. I would never have dreamed of asking for the cash!

Also my two are older teens one 18 and we had has some great holidays but no where near 5 grand ln al!
I do DIY and get as nice as I can for as cheap as I can.

Yes 5 grand is a slot and we would never ever drop ten grand on Disney !
So to her and her mum on a low income yes you will seem very well off

Half siblings. Probably the same in her eyes.

@euff was that step parents ?

I mean it’s not hard to understand that op could be paying for more of it than her husband surely.

Her 8k him 2k and so They are paying for it.

Nowhere near the same

Hang on, why should just DSD get a trip with her dad? how about our kids... don't they deserve a 1:1 trip with him too? So why should DSD get cash and a trip.

And of course your children presumably live permanently with him. How much time did she get with her father?

If Maintenane stops next month you don’t need anything to do with her mother going forward. Just block her. She’s just trying to squeeze every last penny out of you because her pay day has stopped. You offered her a place on holiday, she said no. That’s the end of it. Buy her a souvenir while you are out there.

Not necessarily. My DSis has a DSS, who is very close to his half siblings. He definitely doesn’t see them as his step siblings.

Blended families can sometimes work.

Second wives do not believe third wives exist🤪

again, not relevant to the thread.

and they are half siblings, not step.

The money is OUR money. That does not mean he earns most of it like many posters seem to think.

It is relevant and I think we can make an informed guess that the answer is "very little"

And how much time do the other kids get individually with their father if u want to go on about that

“her pay day”?
urgh.

I hope your H never leaves your children

Oh, third and beyond do exist. However, some of us know that we're the second and last.

The funny part of this thread is the people jumping on op for something the daughter hasn’t even asked herself.

The mother of her step child has cheekily asked.

Now people are talking about uni and how horrible op is. Like it’s not up to her husband if he wants to give her cash for a start and nobody knows how the daughter even feels or if she even wants cash.

Op would be very sensible to keep her and her husband finances separate since she is a higher earner and he has a previous child. Maybe he cannot afford to give.

How is it relevant to DSD mother demanding we send her/DSD money as she didn't want to come on our holiday?

No I’d transfer her a bit of money instead sometimes. Not all the time.
Eg if we are eating in a local restaurant she likes we’d probably put a pic on family chat and say mum and dad are out having pizza. Bank of Mum and dad has sent you £20 so you can have tea out. She will reply heart and thank you.
My logic is if she was here I’d have bought her a pizza (3 of us would have been sat in the restaurant not 2) so I’m sending her a bit of money so she can also have a little treat and not miss out because she’s opted to live away at uni not the local one.
I don’t always do it, probably more so if I’m eating somewhere she likes so is on my mind. I’m perhaps not explaining it well.
It’s perhaps a northern thing to give money to treat yourself to food eg my grandma would give me money for ice cream if I was going on holiday when I was older…if I protested she’d say everyone likes ice cream.

Lucky, I am the first wife.

That makes sense. An aunt occasionally gave me £10 and told me to buy myself a meal when I was at uni. I try to repay her by being generous to her grandchildren.

You “know”? 😀
Okay

I do. 100%.

It's relevant to the fact you and your husband treat her as a second class child.

The idea that she's no longer his responsibility just because she's 18 and he can stop paying is morally repugnant. I would be ashamed of my husband if he behaved like that.

I don’t know. It depends on the relationship.
At the beginning of OPs post, I had some sympathy for her with her Step daughter’s mother asking for holiday money.
Further on, it is clear that the OP doesn’t appear to like her step daughter ( the double exclamation mark when CMS stops.) I do think they should give the daughter some money towards a holiday and support her financially through uni which is far more important than a Disney holiday. My BIL supported both his children through uni even though CMS didn’t demand it.
I also note that the OP doesn’t want the Dad to spend time on holiday with his daughter alone without taking his other children, even though they get both parents most of the time. This is something her step daughter will never get.