To not want to give my DSD the money we would have spent on her holiday

[ZestLemon]

We're a family of five: myself, my husband, our two children (12 & 14), and my stepdaughter, who is 18.

My stepdaughter lives with her mum full time and is very much in independent 'mode' now, so rather than following a set routine she comes over whenever she wants.

We're booked to go to Disney World in Florida next year with our two children doe 3 weeks, we are doing all the big attractions such as universal too. We invited my stepdaughter to come too, but she has said Disney isn't really her thing and she didn't think she'd enjoy it. Fine, not a problem!

However, her mum has now had the cheek texted saying that because my stepdaughter isn't coming, we should give DSD the equivalent amount of money that we would have spent on her so she can go on holiday with her friends instead.....

AIBU, or is she mad?!? We have said no but she is now texting all sorts of abuse.

The Disney trip is costing us over 10k and we are only doing a cheap trip this year to save for it.
Yes, we have spent less because she's chosen not to come, but that was entirely her decision.

What if you weren't going away and she simply said ,I'd love to go away with my pals I'm a bit short of cash would you give me some please ?

Op my 18 has just gone away as well and these conversations happen naturally we just without her asking gave her some money etc.

Does it have to be fair or this and that. Is it the framing of it that's irked you ?

Is it such an extraordinary headline ...dad gives some money to 18 year old DD for big mates trip ?

DD asks for money age 18 ?
Its hugely normal.

What does that mean.

My guess is that the ex wife is the one that ruined it for her own daughter when she started demanding money for a trip that her daughter did not want to go on.

It doesn’t mean that the daughter never receives any money from her dad.

What's that got to do with paying for Disney?

I out earn my DH!!

You paid for meals out when she didn't come on them?

Perhaps Your Step daughter would like a 1:1 with her immediate family. She might even like to holiday with both her parents like your children are getting. However, she is not getting that. Your children will be having a holiday without step parents or siblings so that is the equivalent.

She's already been away with her friends recently

She's just been cheeky becusee she wants money knows her dad won't just naturally offer her any so she thought if I frame it like this maybe I will get some.

Should she have to really ? Like I said it was very normal here when DD said she was going away she does work and we said did she want any money and she said yes please !

Whether she should or shouldn't like Disney is not here or there as othees keep saying she's 18 ans three weeks is a hell of a time when she wants to be with her friends !

@ZestLemon are you expecting your DC to stand on their own 2 feet when they reach 18, to move out and fund themselves?

Sounds like it, odd behaviour.

Yes, I find that people often forget that the wife can be the chief breadwinner in a household, particularly when it's a second marriage. (There always seems to be the assumption that the second wife was the OW and/or a gold digger.)

Lol I have 2 older ones then a 10 year gap till the 3rd. So everytime I took youngest somewhere by that reckoning I should've paid my older 2 ( independent adult kids) the same amount of money it seems.

She may like a holiday with both her biological parents but tough tit as that wont be happening will it... through no fault of myself so I wont be feeling bad about that.
The fact that her parents never raised her together does not mean my kids get less.

I am taking my kids away.
DSD mum can take her away as much as she likes too.

I’s clearly talking & quoting your post about your H not planning on supporting your DSD through uni

Is your “!” key sticky or something?🤔

Hang on, why should just DSD get a trip with her dad? how about our kids... don't they deserve a 1:1 trip with him too? So why should DSD get cash and a trip.

No-one is saying that your kids can't have a 1:1 trip with their dad. It's not mutually exclusive with DSD having one too.

And I'm sure you'll (both) spend plenty on your kids at Disney.

What relevance does this have to disney?

No one is kicking DSD out, she is welcome to live her if she wants.

and you mentioned It is morally decent thing to do for a father who can afford multiple 10K holidays with his second family.

Just pointing out that the father isn't always the one paying for things.

Madness isn’t it.

I was replying to a poster

Her Dad should also offer to take her away on his own, just like the OP is doing with her children.

To make it even, he can take all 3 kids away! I would love that.

I can't find the thread, but there was one here where there had been upset in a family because the wife went on a yacht holiday with her ex and their children, leaving behind her husband and stepchildren. (Her household was a blended family with her child and her husband's children.)

She hasn’t said that is what is happening to her stepdaughter. The stepdaughter however has two parents, neither of which are OP. OP isn’t obliged to make the same decisions her husband and his ex may make about their daughter.

She hasn’t answered questions as to whether her father this contributing to his daughter’s university costs because it’s 1, no one’s business, and 2, utterly irrelevant to the topic at hand.

Op , this sounds so uncaring.
Imagine if your DH left and suddenly your DD were in a blended family.

It all sounds so incredibly harsh and mean.

Most children just want a happy mum and dad together In a solid family unit that's devoted to them

This poor girl hasn't asked for any of this and you did take her on when you had DC with this man. You chose this.

She has not.

I feel very sorry for her.

No, your step daughter would probably like some time with her Dad without her step siblings/ mother.
How much time does/did she get with just him?

Strange, as your OP states “The Disney trip is costing us over 10k”?
Are you now saying you are paying for the trip?

They aren't her STEP siblings