To not want to give my DSD the money we would have spent on her holiday

[ZestLemon]

We're a family of five: myself, my husband, our two children (12 & 14), and my stepdaughter, who is 18.

My stepdaughter lives with her mum full time and is very much in independent 'mode' now, so rather than following a set routine she comes over whenever she wants.

We're booked to go to Disney World in Florida next year with our two children doe 3 weeks, we are doing all the big attractions such as universal too. We invited my stepdaughter to come too, but she has said Disney isn't really her thing and she didn't think she'd enjoy it. Fine, not a problem!

However, her mum has now had the cheek texted saying that because my stepdaughter isn't coming, we should give DSD the equivalent amount of money that we would have spent on her so she can go on holiday with her friends instead.....

AIBU, or is she mad?!? We have said no but she is now texting all sorts of abuse.

The Disney trip is costing us over 10k and we are only doing a cheap trip this year to save for it.
Yes, we have spent less because she's chosen not to come, but that was entirely her decision.

Whatever about the cash request, there is no way my 18-year old self, in the Summer before going off to uni, would have spent three weeks in the company of my father, my stepmother, and my very young teen half-siblings. (And even less eagerly in the USA, at Disneyland. No way!)
How would you picture this as an attraction for her, at this particular threshold moment in her life?
Surely she wants the company of her peers, and to enjoy the blissful freedom this Summer has been promising her for a very long time.
Exams done and dusted, university on the horizon, and at liberty to exercise her adult status in bars and beergardens, at music festivals and on trips to other cities (even countries).
But three whole weeks traipsing around (I think?) Florida lumped in as a teenager with two ‘little kids’ (from her POV) without any of my mates, let alone (a probable) boyfriend, would have struck me at 18 as an utterly ludicrous notion.

[My parents in the early 1970s, though pretty strict and straitlaced, would never have proposed such a holiday to me along with my younger brother (who wanted nothing but surfing holidays), and had been letting me do my own thing in Summer since I was 16.
This was anything but unusual in my circle, among a not especially Bohemian lot of parents.
Maybe today’s teenagers are very much ‘younger’, as it were, than we were back then. I think that the moment any emerging adulthood was observed, our parents actually encouraged a loosening of ties, and the Summer immediately after A Levels was traditionally a celebration of what you might call parental manumission. Freedom!]

I'm 100% sure that whatever holiday the OP had planned, the pitchfork-wielders would have blamed her for deliberately choosing it to exclude the stepdaughter.

Ah I see that now, thanks.

I corrected myself, I see now it was only the mother who was rude. Thanks.

The no more CMS also fails to take into account fact the DSD will likely be at home (her mums) 5 months of the year - uni terms/semesters are very short.
I’ve used to be on a parents of uni students facebook group and lots of mums were really stressed about costs of supporting young adults in long holidays while their ex partner wasn’t paying anything.
Lots don’t want charge their child board as they are working to pay for uni and often the student is still paying uni accommodation due to the long accommodation contracts.
Most parents with a child off to uni will be paying out this summer to get them kitted out and worrying about paying their required contribution, in England if household income is £65,000 a year you are expected to contribute £500 a month to their uni costs. No one I knew was booking expensive holidays at same time. It was a very expensive and nervous summer.

From the 2 exclamation marks when you said it

.CMS will be stopping next month as she left college this year!!

Good god, the First Wives Club are out in force on this thread!

Give over on the uni costs, it has shit all to do with this thread. But also, NOBODY has to contribute to uni costs if they don't want to/can't.

Of course YANBU. I give my own DC (now over 18) the option to come. If they say no, I certainly don't wang them some cash. If they want to go on holiday with their mates, that's up to them. Not for me to fund!

Not sure how you’ve interpreted that as gleefulness about being able to wash her hands of her stepdaughter (whilst simultaneously inviting her in an expensive holiday, which is usually what someone does when they no longer want to financially contribute to someone else, obviously.).

If OP is gleeful about that, perhaps it’s because it means they no longer have to deal with a woman that texts them abuse.

Rubbish.
We're just back from 3 weeks, Disney and Universal, Gator land etc.
DS and DSD came too,we paid but if they didn't want to come there would be no £££ given for a seperate holiday, why would we?
Ds"s love the coasters etc, whilst a lot of Disney is for smaller children the rides/coasters aren't.
My 2 are in their 20's not Disney fans etc, my eldest owns his own home and they both had an amazing holiday.
As they are both in new relationships so their GF's didn't come.

Oh I see!! I will have to be more careful with my exclamation marks next time!!

Ignore the ex. DSD has been offered her place on a wonderful holiday, the money is only available for use on that holiday and not for a holiday of her choosing. Tell the ex that she is of course free to give DSD the money if she’d like to know the value of DSD’s place on the trip.

No, this isn't a birthday present or an amount of cash all the children can spend as they wish, it's an offer of a holiday she can take or leave. Different if she was a young child staying behind because she is ill then I would compensate her but she's an adult making an adult choice

I could've written the same post OP, I just wanted to say enjoy the peace that's coming your way and out her to the back of your head. Hopefully you can see we all think this is a mad request. I've had to deal with a difficult bio parent for a while now. Every biryhday weekend of mine ( and family plans as I love to do something with the kids) has been sabotaged last minute. We have also had this demand when we had planned to go visit my in-laws ( their bio grandparents) whom we hadn't visited for a few years. Hardly a holiday, they're elderly and miss their son and grandkids so much, firstly the bio mum wouldn't let them travel and then she demanded he should pay the money he would've spent. And when the answer was no ...the berating starts. I just wanted to say I see you. You're not mad or unreasonable ❤️

To be honesty my mum did this and she offered me the choice of Florida and I said I’d rather go away with my friends. She just gave me a token amount to it isn’t that something your husband could do?

Given that all the money you are saving by her not going, I think you should offer her some money for her to have a holiday with her friends. This holiday was geared at your children and not her. Not everyone likes Disney. We went when our children were young teens, but there is no way they would have gone when they were 18 or older. There is no way that we would go again.

YABU: bio mum. Do you mean mother?

I have to be honest , you sound awful .

because she didn’t wanna go away to a child’s holiday, you couldn’t see it in your heart to give her a little bit of extra so she could go away with her friends. I don’t agree with the Mother contacting you but really do you not think that would’ve been a nice thing to do.

I am sorry but any decent person wouldn’t have done that . You sound like you’re blackmailing her .

why didn’t you suggest a little holiday with her and her dad alone? I am sure she would love that . You obviously have the money because you said you’re going to Florida and then you’re gonna take your children away on your own.

Disney isn’t a child’s holiday FYI.

A lot of 18 year olds would disagree with you.

Well they aren't 18 yet...they're young..life spins on a dime and has a habit of tripping us up. Don't be so sure of the future.
Nobody knows what lays beyond

Agree spending a few days with her Dad on their own sounds ideal.

I think it would be nice if her Dad gave her some money for her holiday with her friends or asked her away just the two of them for a weekend or short break. But its the sort of thing that would mean more if her Dad thought of it himself.

No, it was geared towards everyone. Disney isnt just for kids.

If the girls dad wants to take a trip with her I’m sure he will offer it up.

Op herself is taking her two children on a mum children trip so hardly sounds like it’s not something he could do. IF he wanted to offer it.

I know my kids, I am sure.