To not want to give my DSD the money we would have spent on her holiday

[ZestLemon]

We're a family of five: myself, my husband, our two children (12 & 14), and my stepdaughter, who is 18.

My stepdaughter lives with her mum full time and is very much in independent 'mode' now, so rather than following a set routine she comes over whenever she wants.

We're booked to go to Disney World in Florida next year with our two children doe 3 weeks, we are doing all the big attractions such as universal too. We invited my stepdaughter to come too, but she has said Disney isn't really her thing and she didn't think she'd enjoy it. Fine, not a problem!

However, her mum has now had the cheek texted saying that because my stepdaughter isn't coming, we should give DSD the equivalent amount of money that we would have spent on her so she can go on holiday with her friends instead.....

AIBU, or is she mad?!? We have said no but she is now texting all sorts of abuse.

The Disney trip is costing us over 10k and we are only doing a cheap trip this year to save for it.
Yes, we have spent less because she's chosen not to come, but that was entirely her decision.

I feel like the stepdaughter is going to suffer because of the behaviour of her mum. The OP and husband are currently so anti (perhaps rightly) his ex, that they will inadvertently take it out on the 18y old.

Whataboutery. You could say that about anyone you went away with. She has literally been away with mates on their own. How would they have coped there

I can say with absolute certainty that one of my children won't ever be going to university. My other one is also planning a different route into work at the moment, so uni seems unlikely for them too (although never say never!).

So I may not end up supporting either of them through university anyway.

No one is taking it out on DSD, we were never offering cash instead of the holiday.

Nope.

She's invited on the holiday and can come or not come but of course she doesn't get a cash alternative!

I do not want to take a random stranger away on my holiday to stay in my villa on a family holiday.

No but OP hasn't said her husband can't afford to. She's dodged the question. OP has been gleeful about the CMS now stopping. I doubt she will apply the same standard to her children when they turn 18.

I haven't dodged anything. Iv clearly said I just wont be answering it.

Yes. She and her husband will ensure this young adult never sees a penny of their money. It’s quite obvious from her tone.

Yes if you are treating kids to food out I’d expect dad to also be treating her to things in same way. She’s just finished A levels and working a pt job to save for uni.
Summer before my dd went to uni she was working pt but I paid for meals out, coffees, would give her money for cinema etc and all the cost of kitting her out for uni.

Actually reading through your replies it's quite clear there's no intention of supporting her now.

"She will get max loans across the board as her mother is on a low income" . and similar. And the gleeful post that CMS stopped when she was 18. Unless your husband is very hard up I can't comprehend why he would stop whilst she's still in education. If he were my husband I'd be ashamed of him.

I feel very sorry for your stepdaughter.

Our 28 year old loved it, maybe not the whole Disney vibe, but loved the rides

Sometimes on MN you read threads of awesome kindness, wisdom and generosity of spirit - and then there are threads like this.

If she’s away at uni and we are having a meal out I’ll sometimes transfer her a bit of money.
My thought process is if she was here I’d be paying for her or if she was stood in my kitchen saying I’m going out for tea with friend I’d probably say he’s a £10 towards it so it’s same thing in my mind.
She does work and is always very grateful.
My mum will still treat me though so it’s how I’ve been brought up.

When is the holiday?
Is it a date she could actually attend or is it a you can come but in reality clashes with term time or exams etc.

OP is just one of the many parents I can’t relate to on MN, who think that as soon as a child turns 18 they are an adult and therefore should never have one ounce of support or financial contribution from their parents ever again. I’m so glad this is not my world, but I do feel sorry for these young people. And a stepchild will have an added layer of unkindness doled out.

I hope I am wrong, but I doubt it. The OP makes ‘max loans across the board’ sound like a lottery win.

And this is exactly why the OP isn’t answering the question.

Not only is it of no relevance to the thread, but whatever answer she gives will be used as a stick to beat her with.

There is no answer she could give that wouldn’t be met with the response of “poor stepdaughter”.

It’s tiresome.

My mum is in her 80s and on a pension. But she will still hand over a bundle of cash to me randomly, saying it’s to make my life easier. Of course I don’t expect it or need it but she likes to be generous to her kids. I am 55.

We used to have a cousin living with us growing up. He is now a highly paid finance professional in his 40s. When he visits my mum, she will also give him an envelope of cash as well!

Some people are just more generous than others. I can’t imagine having this attitude to an 18-year-old.

It’s pretty obvious why she isn’t answering! Silence says a lot.

Sure, sure.

As I said - tiresome.

I love how you read my one sentence as 'gleeful'

The child’s uni expenses have nothing to do with the holiday.

The ops dh might send his daughter £50 a week £500 a week or nothing at all.

But that has zero to do with this holiday.

The adult child was invited. She rejected. That’s it.

How many people would honestly expect cash of their parent as an adult if they offered to take you away and you said no?? Because anyone who would ask or expect it is bloody grabby.

Yes the daughters mum asked not her we don’t know what the daughters thoughts are. The mother however is being grabby as hell.

I agree.

OP can go on holiday if she wants, it’s really up to her. It doesn’t matter how much it cost to anyone else, good on her for living and enjoying her life now and not wait.

Stepdaughter was invited and has no right to be abusive because she didn’t get money instead. And I am all for supporting your adult children, but not if they behave like brats.

It’s not the stepdaughter being abusive!

There’s no evidence at all that the DSD has been abusive, she just declined an invitation. And she isn’t even the one who asked for the money in lieu, but her mum. How has she been abusive?