To not want to give my DSD the money we would have spent on her holiday

[ZestLemon]

We're a family of five: myself, my husband, our two children (12 & 14), and my stepdaughter, who is 18.

My stepdaughter lives with her mum full time and is very much in independent 'mode' now, so rather than following a set routine she comes over whenever she wants.

We're booked to go to Disney World in Florida next year with our two children doe 3 weeks, we are doing all the big attractions such as universal too. We invited my stepdaughter to come too, but she has said Disney isn't really her thing and she didn't think she'd enjoy it. Fine, not a problem!

However, her mum has now had the cheek texted saying that because my stepdaughter isn't coming, we should give DSD the equivalent amount of money that we would have spent on her so she can go on holiday with her friends instead.....

AIBU, or is she mad?!? We have said no but she is now texting all sorts of abuse.

The Disney trip is costing us over 10k and we are only doing a cheap trip this year to save for it.
Yes, we have spent less because she's chosen not to come, but that was entirely her decision.

I stand corrected... that's a great price :-)

I think we might try something like this... if we are invited for a meal we will decline but ask for the montary value instead.

Sounds like her mother wants the money!

My eldest declined to come on holiday with us at that age. She insisted she didn't want to go unless her layabout boyfriend came with US AND EXPECTED ME TO PAY FOR HIM. Hmm don't think so. And I certainly didn't give her money instead

Oh yeh, that's why I invited her to come to disney world with us... because I don't like her. 🙄

Still dodging questions about whether her father will support her at all at university but I think the answer to that is obvious. What a depressing thread.

Time to block his Ex.
She no longer needs your number.

That might all be true, but it's not OPs place to have to sort out any of this out and it's certainly not the place of the other mother to be abusing them by text and making demands for cash.

This is on the father imo. He needs to step up for his step daughter and stop hiding behind his new family. His DD is 18, he doesnt need to have anything to do with her mother.

He should have a proper chat with his DD. Explain that the offer was for the Disney trip but if he can help towards another trip and she lets him know what she needs and he will consider it.

Thats it. Thats not a promise of anything. Its an acceptance that he will look at it. Nothing to do with step mother.

They wouldn’t be your responsibility. At 18 they’re adults

See this is where you’ve lost me. You will punish the daughter so you don’t look like you’ve caved in to her mom. Wow, nice job 👍 🙄 the mother is immature but on this response I think you are to

The offer was to spend time with the family. It wasn't a cash offer.

She rejected the holiday because she didn't like the activity. She didn't want to do something that she didn't like to spend time with her family.

There isn't a cash alternative for being a self centred teen who doesn't want to make an effort.

I was completely on side with you, but I’m not now. If you don’t help her you do know your husband shpior to deploy the same rule for your kids because otherwise he’d be a massive dick & if you choose to help your kids that should be from your own personal allowance

Probably because she has to work a part time job to fund her through uni.

Is there something wrong with having to work a part time job whilst at uni?

My parents aren’t low earners, but I was expected to have a part time job when I was at uni. As were my siblings. And most people I was at uni with.

It’s just part of growing up, surely. I loved my part time jobs. Good times.

And she has to do this because her Father chose to prioritise going on holiday to see a load of cartoon characters over the serious business of helping to fund her at university.

And this is just ridiculous. When one child goes to uni, does that mean no one ever gets to enjoy a holiday again?

That’s unfair. She will be at uni when the holiday happens and maybe didn’t want to commit to 3 weeks away when she might need to work or she may have limited holiday and want to go with friends

on the one hand she’s 18 and an adult and doesn’t need a financial contribution because she’s a good little worker and obviously responsible but on the other she’s being a brat and ungrateful because she doesn’t want to go on a long holiday that she’s not sure she’ll enjoy. We don’t even know why she doesn’t want to go - perhaps she’s not very close with her dad’s family and is nervous spending 3 weeks. Maybe she needs to work those 3 weeks. Maybe she genuinely just doesn’t like Disney (there are people out there who don’t..)

By that logic then, I saved money when she didn't come out for lunch with us the other day to KFC, should I have transferred her the tenner so she can get herself lunch out?

Not every child gets university support.

I didn't get a penny from my parents.

This is fair tbh.

You weren't offering money, you were offering an experience. Her mother can't just convert that into cold hard cash because it suits her.

And if you have children, are you planning not to give them a penny too?

I haven't said we wont be contributing anything to University. CMS will stop soon but what we give towards university has no relevance to this thread.

She rejected it because she isn't keen on rides. She has been before.
It was nothing to do with getting time off work or doing overtime.

Ultimately it doesn’t matter why she rejected it (sounds valid though) and the dsd shouldn’t be punished because her mum has made a big deal. Now she is 18 you don’t need to have any contact with her mum

eta - she shouldn’t get the money but not giving her a hundred or so to take on holiday because her mum asked is mean

I do not have to answer those questions. They are not relevant. People can bring it up as much as they like and get the pitch forks out but it is not relevant to the thread at all.

What I spend my money on, is up to me. If I would like to blow 10 grand on a holiday then I will.

She was blocked by both of us last night for being a nuisance.

So if the friend broke their leg over there then I can just put my hands up and say not my problem as they are adults.... we all know that wont happen.