To not want to give my DSD the money we would have spent on her holiday

[ZestLemon]

We're a family of five: myself, my husband, our two children (12 & 14), and my stepdaughter, who is 18.

My stepdaughter lives with her mum full time and is very much in independent 'mode' now, so rather than following a set routine she comes over whenever she wants.

We're booked to go to Disney World in Florida next year with our two children doe 3 weeks, we are doing all the big attractions such as universal too. We invited my stepdaughter to come too, but she has said Disney isn't really her thing and she didn't think she'd enjoy it. Fine, not a problem!

However, her mum has now had the cheek texted saying that because my stepdaughter isn't coming, we should give DSD the equivalent amount of money that we would have spent on her so she can go on holiday with her friends instead.....

AIBU, or is she mad?!? We have said no but she is now texting all sorts of abuse.

The Disney trip is costing us over 10k and we are only doing a cheap trip this year to save for it.
Yes, we have spent less because she's chosen not to come, but that was entirely her decision.

You absolutely do not need to give a cash alternative!!

Is she feeling a bit left out and talking to her mum about it? Or does her mum just have form for this sort of thing?

‘No, the money is for a family holiday to spend time together- hopefully next time she will want to come’ would be my response. Crazy to expect the cash for her to go partying!

It would be a no from me. When I turned 18 I was expected to contribute to the cost of family holidays if I went. Not the full cost,
but something towards food in proportion to my earnings at the time. If she wants to go on holiday with her friends, she needs to get job to fund it.

I think it's sad you you didn't organise a big holiday that all DH's children would want to go on.

For some strange reason it's a well known attitude on here that once you reach 18 you're legally an adult and no one should have to do or pay anything for you ever again.

A paid-full trip to Disney Florida, a lot of 18 year olds would jump at the chance to go on this holiday, and why should the younger two lose out if their big sis doesn’t want to go.

Everyone is hung up on the fact it’s a Florida holiday and the dsd should love it

the holiday is actually irrelevant - imagine instead it’s a 3 week yacht holiday around the Greek islands, or 3 week all inclusive in the Seychelles or a 3 week adventure holiday around Southern Africa. All fab holidays but it doesn’t mean it suits everyone

and 3 weeks is actually quite a long time if you are needing to work in your holidays to fund uni

I would pay for my 18 yo’s holiday with friends. He’s still in education and will be until he’s 22. I will probably pay until he starts Uni at 19. After that he can work whilst studying.

@ZestLemon I don’t think you should give the equivalent to what it would cost you to take DSD to Florida but you could offer to contribute to the spending money. Also if she’s in education maybe her Dad would like to pay for her holiday.

Maybe if they were going with friends and the holiday wasn’t kiddified then I could see that most 18 yos would jump at the chance, but Disney with younger siblings not so much.

The cost estimate above is bare minimum. Parking in the parks is $35 a day.
Food and drink costs are expensive even if you do some self catering.
They are saving well over £1000 on dsd’s tickets alone.
It seems wrong to me not to pass some of that saving on to dsd when she’s a student on max loan, working pt.

Her siblings are teens, not toddlers, and Disney is for all ages, not just kids. A friend of mine is going to Disneyland Paris for the first time soon. She’s in her seventies!

I’ve been to both. Disney is for little ones. Universal Studios is for all ages.

Yeah you often see the little ones go on Space Mountain and Tron. And they love Drinking around the world too.

Disneyworld definitely isn’t just for ones. My dd wants to go when she’s 21 to drink around world at Epcot.
She went recently age 20. Planning cute outfits/ears/bags is a big thing. Guardians of Galaxy and Tron are thrill rides not for small children. Fancy themed iced coffees were a big thing this year, she loved it.
I accept it’s not everyone’s cup of tea but it’s popular for all ages.

So she gets paid to not come on holiday?? lol! Batshit

I think the SD mother is wrong to contact you in this instance. The SD should have spoken to her father and discussed why she would prefer to go with her friends (Understandable) rather than her step siblings and step-mother. Even a contribution may have made it a nice situation for all concerned.

However, i cant get past how cold you are towards this young woman. I dont expect you to be all sunshine and light but your DH needs to support his DD in whatever way she needs just as much as your younger children. It just sounds like you are getting quite the kick out of controlling an 18 year old woman who has some rather huge life developments coming. She doesnt sound like she is workshy. She doesnt sound vindictive. She hasnt got a history of issues. Why are you making it so difficult?

Its not difficult to understand her not wanting to go on this holiday with the whole family.

Ridiculous. Tell her she was invited and she declined. She's not owed anything. That she's 18 and needs to grow up and stop acting so spoilt.

And frankly if this is the angle her and her mum are going for you're going to be unlikely to want to take her on holiday anywhere at all in future.

No. Just say this. Invite her on your next holiday but she doesn't get to dictate that either. Nice try. I think you would be teaching her the wrong thing if you did. However, if she was planning to go away on a holiday you might offer a contribution/spending money, but that is not the same thing. Stick to your gut reaction, OP.

She has form, its not the first time she 'demanded' something. We learnt a very long time ago to never give in to her demands as she just asks for more and more and takes the piss.

Is expecting her father might help her finance her university costs "taking the piss"?

I feel sorry for her. You clearly don't like her.

Yeah - being offered to go on a 3 week holiday to Disney is so, so sad.

Jesus Christ.

In our family, my husband and I decide where we go on holiday. Our children would never be given a veto over a big, family holiday. They wouldn’t even consider it an option. I don’t know whether it’s because my children are good natured and grateful kids, but wherever we go, they have a great time.

Why is it that whenever I read a thread about a child not wanting to go somewhere, or do something, it’s always a step kid. I feel so bad for children who have an older half sibling. They seem to just constantly suck the fun out of everything, for everyone. Non stop drama.

For some strange reason it's a well known attitude on here that once you reach 18 you're legally an adult and no one should have to do or pay anything for you ever again.

If the child is a step child. I bet OP's children won't be cut off without any support from her husband when they turn 18. Or that she'd accept it if he did.

If you are talking about my cost estimate it is for how much it costs to go, not what you spend whilst there.

if you are onsite no parking fees, if you are in a local hotel free shuttle, if you drive then add on a couple of hundred for parking, but that is spending money which I clearly didn’t include.

I also egged up all of the prices for things, because you CAN do it for less, for example the OP has used airmiles so has saved 1000-1500 on flights, that’s far less than the cost of the parking. Also I added in discovery cove with is adding 800ish to the holiday but is definitely surplus to requirements, and I put a villa instead of an offsite hotel which would be £1000 cheaper.

The price for Disney is what you make it, you can do it for under 10k or you can do it for over 20k. Mine usually comes in (for 3) at 11-12k but I stay on site for 2 weeks so hotel is massively more expensive (6k including tickets) then move across to do 3ish nights in universal which comes in at about 1500 (plus tickets for about 1300). This includes QSDP for free for all of us which we often upgrade for less than 1000 so we have full DDP and therefore no food costs.

She was offered a fantastic holiday. She chose to reject it.

So that's that. There's nothing further to discuss.

I honestly can't comprehend as a parent being so mean, assuming that money wasn't an issue, not to offer an 18 year old something at that age to have a holiday without the rest of the family.

I honestly can't comprehend, as a parent, being so mean that I'd stop financial support for an 18 year old going to university just because the strict CMS can be cut at that point.

If you're talking about rejection her father is doing exactly that.

But why did she reject it?

Probably because she has to work a part time job to fund her through uni. They probably won't let her have 3 weeks off in school holidays when all their staff are off. This is probably her opportunity to pick up extra hours while people with kids go on holiday.

And she has to do this because her Father chose to prioritise going on holiday to see a load of cartoon characters over the serious business of helping to fund her at university.

I think I would be a little bitter that this gets thrown back in my face.