To not want to give my DSD the money we would have spent on her holiday

[ZestLemon]

We're a family of five: myself, my husband, our two children (12 & 14), and my stepdaughter, who is 18.

My stepdaughter lives with her mum full time and is very much in independent 'mode' now, so rather than following a set routine she comes over whenever she wants.

We're booked to go to Disney World in Florida next year with our two children doe 3 weeks, we are doing all the big attractions such as universal too. We invited my stepdaughter to come too, but she has said Disney isn't really her thing and she didn't think she'd enjoy it. Fine, not a problem!

However, her mum has now had the cheek texted saying that because my stepdaughter isn't coming, we should give DSD the equivalent amount of money that we would have spent on her so she can go on holiday with her friends instead.....

AIBU, or is she mad?!? We have said no but she is now texting all sorts of abuse.

The Disney trip is costing us over 10k and we are only doing a cheap trip this year to save for it.
Yes, we have spent less because she's chosen not to come, but that was entirely her decision.

I know you're saying what you're doing in regards to her going to uni isn't relevant but I'll tell you my cautionary tale anyway. My husband is 11 years older than me. For various reasons (most financial) we didn't have our Children until DSD was in her teens. My husband decided that when she reached 18 he would stop contributing as with 2 kids of our own, we didn't have the money. She was very, very hurt by this. She had expected the money we had paid her mother in maintenance to be paid to her to help her at uni as her Mother was saying she would be unable to financially contribute as she was already having to budget the loss of the maintenance herself. She, quite rightly, pointed out that if he couldn't afford 3 kids, then he shouldn't have had 3 kids. I feel she was asking a bit much to have expect to receive it all but I do agree he should have paid her something and also that her Mother always knew when her 18th was coming and should have budgeted. She hasn't spoken to him since and I miss her so much. I hope you plan to help her in some way , part time job and full loans whatever

I think a parent should maybe concentrate on making sure their kid has some money whilst at uni, rather than own flash holiday they aren’t even interested in. Loans and nurseries will still leave her struggling, and you’re leaving it all to her mum to finance anything else she needs or any help she needs.

Bet you won’t do that to your own kids, but totally fine for dad to wash his hands of the kid from his first marriage as soon as they turn 18.

So even when his behaviour was pointed out to him, he still didn’t contribute to supporting his child at uni? And you were ok with that? And stayed with him?

I’m curious… will you both be cutting off your children once they turn 18 as well? Or will they get support from their dad at uni?

I do agree he should have paid her something and also that her Mother always knew when her 18th was coming and should have budgeted

Why do you think her mother should have budgeted? You seem content that her father's responsibility ended at 18. His daughter is absolutely right - if he couldn't afford 3 children, he shouldn't have had 3 children.

Most parents expect that if children go to university they'll still be funding them. I hear it so often with work colleagues planning their retirement date to be after the date their youngest will have finished university, not when they turn 18.

Thinking about it, Kathy, I'd prefer the equivalent in cash, really.

It's just horrible isn't it? Stepmothers complain and wonder why they get a hard time on here. At least newmummy34 seems to have some inkling how unfairly her stepdaughter was treated unlike the OP.

I’ve got an 8 seater people carrier for 18 nights for £485 In August. I’ve also done a screenshot of a midsize SUV for 3 weeks for £514 as I obviously can’t show you my own booking because it’s an online forum.

picture might take a minute to load.

I gave my 18yo the money to go on holiday with her friends. I would say to SD that you’ll pay the flights and accommodation for the holiday she takes with her friends next year and to let you know once it’s being booked. I do think it’s reasonable to pay for a teen’s holiday, even if they are working. It wasn’t reasonable to demand a cash alternative to the Disney holiday.

maybe, but they just may not have made the decision yet on what they were doing…either way it’s irrelevant to this thread

I would be rich…the woman is cooking through her pension and has at least 5 holidays a year

No he didn't and no I wasn't. I was a stay at home Mother to 2 small children at the time and he had control of the finances. I only found out about it all when it all kicked off. I was over ruled and told wind my neck in.

Finally convinced my husband to go for our honeymoon but…’I won’t be wanting to go every year Boreded’ - I just laughed at him.

16 years later and I’m still waiting for the year he doesn’t want to go 😂

That’s really poor from your DH. I really hope you don’t end up in the same situation, but that if you do that you are prepared and include a uni caveat in any potential divorce settlement so you can protect your shared children.

I feel they both should have planned to help her at uni. Both washed their hands of it and neither budgeted in helping her.I don't see how you think I am content that he didn't help her. I say in my post that he should have, I also say she was right that he can't afford 3 child, he shouldn't have 3 children.

That's a whole 'nother thread

£10k on a Disney holiday while the daughter has to borrow from the government for her upkeep for the next 3 years and put herself at a disadvantage in academic terms to the kids that don't have to work.

To me, those priorities don't seem right.. It may be your husband never had his parents thinking of him like that - but those were different times with many more opportunities and much lower cost of living.

I’d give her some money towards a holiday with her friends but it definitely wouldn’t be equivalent.

If it was my kid I would give her some money towards a holiday, but not necessarily match it.

My reponse, if I had responsed at all, would have been LOL - good one 😆

And now that they are texting abuse, it would be no contact until they apologised profusely.

I think it is relevant. OP mentions upthread that her stepdaughter will receive a large student loan because her mother has a low income, she will also need to work in term time during university. So, she will also have more student debt than OP’s own children who will not be required to take out so much debt as their father obviously has a high income to be able to afford to take two of his three children to the US for three weeks. So two out of three of OP’s DH’s children live and will live different lifestyles. I would give your stepdaughter a generous amount towards paying off her student loan when she graduates and give her money for a holiday.

So you chose a holiday for your own DC, asked DSD if she wanted to come and seem relieved from a financial position that she said no? How would you have managed if she had said yes?
Personally, I’d have offered to pay the equivalent cost towards her own holiday if she’d declined the family holiday. I wouldn’t have waited for her mother to ask!

What you really mean is that you’ve avoided it because you know he won’t be giving her any further financial support, and have realised that this is a shitty way for a parent to behave.

Laughable. Nope

I completely agree with you op.

Disney is for all ages, you did offer her a holiday, she's 18, capable of organising her own holiday with friends etc.

Is your dh of the same mind?

I also think as she's an adult, if you do it for this holiday when does it end?! To me 18 is a common sense age to NOT be offering her money for a holiday of her choosing if she declined the generous invite of a paid family holiday.

You will get people that agree, and people that disagree. As long as you and your DH are in agreement that's all that matters really.

All you both need to do is to ignore her mother. She’s 18 and it is no longer her mother’s responsibility or business.