To not want to give my DSD the money we would have spent on her holiday

[ZestLemon]

We're a family of five: myself, my husband, our two children (12 & 14), and my stepdaughter, who is 18.

My stepdaughter lives with her mum full time and is very much in independent 'mode' now, so rather than following a set routine she comes over whenever she wants.

We're booked to go to Disney World in Florida next year with our two children doe 3 weeks, we are doing all the big attractions such as universal too. We invited my stepdaughter to come too, but she has said Disney isn't really her thing and she didn't think she'd enjoy it. Fine, not a problem!

However, her mum has now had the cheek texted saying that because my stepdaughter isn't coming, we should give DSD the equivalent amount of money that we would have spent on her so she can go on holiday with her friends instead.....

AIBU, or is she mad?!? We have said no but she is now texting all sorts of abuse.

The Disney trip is costing us over 10k and we are only doing a cheap trip this year to save for it.
Yes, we have spent less because she's chosen not to come, but that was entirely her decision.

My husband challenged this legally with his dad as a teen and won. His dad had to pay ongoing cms for the entirety of his uni course.

You must be in a more expensive accommodation.

Villa £3000
flights £2000
disney £2400 (less if you use Black Friday discount)
universal £1800 (less if you use Black Friday discount)
car hire £600
Discovery cove & Seaworld £800

total: £10600

Yeah this is all it would have taken. Would have been completely justifiable to ask for a sensible amount. But to kick off for not getting thousands seems madness

Not once in a lifetime, OP confirmed that they’ve all been before a few years ago

WTF? 🤣

You think women should block their stepchildren once they turn 18 because they are adults now, and shouldn’t need contact? Fucking bizarre.

Anyway OP - YANBU. Your SD’s mum is cheeky as fuck to ask that. If she doesn’t want to go to Florida with you, and would prefer to go with her mates, then she needs to pick up more shifts at work and pay for her own holiday. That should be the end of it.

If her dad wishes to gift her spending money for a holiday from his account then he can do so.

OP hasn’t mentioned what they’re doing about uni, it’s not the reason for this post, but people got their pitchforks out and decided that they weren’t

Absolutely not! I would actually get her SOMETHING, to be fair, because I would feel like she was missing out even if she didn't think she would enjoy it. But it would not be cash, and it would be nowhere near the cost.

cool

( don’t believe you though… 3 weeks car hire ain’t £600)

I know 'CF' is the normal ref on MN, but bluntly DSD mother is utterly taking the piss by asking for cash in lieu of the holiday place.

Seems pretty unfair two of his children get this trip that is very well suited to their age and the older child gets nothing.

I think the sentence was badly written. It was one of those where the writer knew what she meant but it wasn't what she said. She meant that as DSD is now 18 there is no need to be in contact with the mother again.

@WhatAMarvelousTune This ^^ It's the offer of a holiday, not cash.

DH and I are thinking about a special summer holiday next year and our plan is to invite DD (then 22) and DS (then 18) to come with us, but if they decide not to, we're not giving them cash instead.

Who's sending the abusive texts? Her Mum? It's absolutely none of her business.

Except that OP has suggested their next trip be one that DSD would enjoy too.

To me, how much and how it's paid back isn't the point.

The DSD's life at uni would be a bit nicer and a bit easier if she had a bit more money. (Yes the repetiton of a bit is deliberate.)

But the OP isn't commenting on that so people including me are drawing inferences. Which given the tone of OP's responses doesn't seem entirely unreasonable.

But I still say no to the idea of a cash payment instead of the holiday. Or at least not the entire amount or even close.

I can’t believe I’m writing this as a stepmum myself…

Although you offered her the holiday and it was her choice to decline, and he mum shouldn’t have messaged making demands I’m totally see that point of view…

However, considering it would have cost you around a grand just for her park tickets let alone the other costs, I would probably give her a contribution to a holiday since she is only 18… say £500 but make it clear it’s a one-off and you’re not setting a precedent. If you were going to treat her to the whole holiday…

When DS18 decided he didn’t want to come to the Florida with us this easter, we left him and my mum about £300 for food and that was that. He never expected another holiday. He doesn’t want to come away with us next year either. You either come or you don’t come that’s it.

If I was this man, I would want to give my daughter some cash as a treat if she wasn’t going on holiday with me. Or I would be doing a Dad and daughter trip. I would also be giving money for University.

Amazing. I’m going to tell my mum I want money every time she goes away and see how that goes down. 😂

What..?

I’m pretty sure that if any help with uni funding was happening the Op would have mentioned it.

After all she’s already said the SD is renting with a friend, getting maximum loans & working as she’s a good little worker.

We went to Orlando when our children were 5-12, I'd thought it would be ok but was definitely going for them & not me. But I loved it. I was nearly 40 then.

No, the offer is holiday or no holiday, not holiday or cash. That's not how it works, absolute cheek.

More money than others who don't get a full loan? Any payment by either parent should be deducted from the loan. Bonkers that we give money to those who don't need it.

great job removing the poll

I'd have given her something towards her holiday.. but no where near the equivalent cost of Disney. Maybe spending money for her holiday, based on how much its likely to be depending on where she's going.

Dont forget it is the EX who is being demanding and abusive, not the DSD and 18 just finished exams is still very young in terms of saving to pay for holidays, yet its the type of holiday she will always remember, being independent with her friends.

The Ex is only doing this so that she doesn't have to give DSD something... and also to paint you in a very bad light to the poor girl. Don't let her do this. Deal direct now she's 18