To not want to give my DSD the money we would have spent on her holiday

[ZestLemon]

We're a family of five: myself, my husband, our two children (12 & 14), and my stepdaughter, who is 18.

My stepdaughter lives with her mum full time and is very much in independent 'mode' now, so rather than following a set routine she comes over whenever she wants.

We're booked to go to Disney World in Florida next year with our two children doe 3 weeks, we are doing all the big attractions such as universal too. We invited my stepdaughter to come too, but she has said Disney isn't really her thing and she didn't think she'd enjoy it. Fine, not a problem!

However, her mum has now had the cheek texted saying that because my stepdaughter isn't coming, we should give DSD the equivalent amount of money that we would have spent on her so she can go on holiday with her friends instead.....

AIBU, or is she mad?!? We have said no but she is now texting all sorts of abuse.

The Disney trip is costing us over 10k and we are only doing a cheap trip this year to save for it.
Yes, we have spent less because she's chosen not to come, but that was entirely her decision.

No she did not. Read it again.

I don’t understand the insane strength of reaction to this post. I would absolutely bung her a few hundred quid for a holiday of her choosing. It doesn’t have to be anywhere near the full amount you’d have paid for her to go with you.
YABU.

There are very many 18 year olds (and much older) that would very definitely enjoy going to Disney.

"An 18 year old isn't going to enjoy going to Disney, I'm afraid."

Do you actually have anything to back up this statement at all?

If you have actually been, comments like this are just so so off the mark.

But tbf, @Datafan55 did clarify later that she has never been and may be wrong about it.

With your update about all the parks you are doing you are saving a good £1500 on her tickets alone by her not going. Food isn’t cheap so another few hundred minimum for that.
I do think the going to uni timing/CMS stopping and you booking an extravagant expensive holiday is relevant.
They have months off uni. My dd is there about 7 months. If your dsd is going to be back living with mum mainly for the other 5 months that’s a huge burden on mum who has lost CMS.
I spent several hundred kitting dd out in August before she went mattress topper, bedding, duvet, pans/crockery, food shop etc. Plus costs of actually getting her there which involved a night hotel.
If mum is worried about helping to pay for this while dad is contributing naff all it perhaps explains why she reacted as she has.
Just because the student loan system is messed up and says he doesn’t need to contribute legally it’s not a good look if he’s opting to save for a luxury holiday over supporting his eldest.

When is the holiday?
Is it she doesn’t want to go or can’t eg you’ve booked Easter hols which is uni exam time. University and school hols are different.

Maximum loans may not cover everything for starters. Taking maximum loans does not mean they won’t give her money, it just means that she will also have the loans in addition to anything her father contributes 🤷‍♀️

This I disagree with. They are 18. If you have a hire car big enough this is a great idea.

But, it would be difficult finding a friend who could afford it. Just the entrances to the parks is not cheap.

Nowhere does it say that he isn’t going to contribute.

it’s all just conjecture

"Then, she'll only repay at the same rate as someone who only had the minimum loan, so will have had more for less. Let's face it, no-one graduating now is ever going to clear their loan, whatever its size."

I agree. I think that this is something that a lot of people fail to understand.

The current student loan system is basically just a graduate income tax. Unless you become a lawyer with one of the big London law firms or become a partner of one of the big accountancy firms then graduates these days are likely never going to pay off their loans, regardless of how much they are.

So the loan simply becomes an income tax. It doesn't matter how much you borrowed, you're likely going to be paying it off for most of your working life.

"...saddling DSD with more debt that is potentially necessary"

I think that you might perhaps be unaware of how student debt is paid back and how little anything less than paying almost all the university fees and living expenses upfront is going to make to the amount of time it takes to pay off the debt.

Well someone is paying for it - the governments deep pockets again I guess

I declined going on a family holiday to go on my first holiday with friends at 18. I was earning my own money and paid for it myself. Never expected any money towards it off my mum. The only thing she contributed was a Kellogg variety pack of cereal. 😂😂😂

I think you’re right, @PhaedraTwo, and @ZestLemon knows that she and her husband are in the wrong here, but won’t admit it.

Sounds like you might be projecting just a tad here...?

If i were a man, i'd want to make sure my daughter is provided for equally.

Back to the original point… OP, don’t dignify this demand with a response. Just ignore and enjoy your holiday.

I’m intrigued as to how your are doing that many people to Orlando with park tickets for £10k…. We spent £18k for a similar number, are you all staying in one hotel room? Anyway tell the mother and the step adult to do one :)

I went to Disney / Universal at 18 and it was fantastic. I suspect she turned it down assuming there would be a cash alternative…

It’s not an Omaze prize ffs, it’s a family holiday 🤷‍♀️ (I would however probably try and give her a little to start at uni once this has blown over, as someone suffering from a Plan 2 loan I will bend over backwards now to ensure if my kids go to uni I can help as much as possible without needing alllll the loans!)

Shes only 18. Shes not coming on holiday with you which is her choice. However I would have given her money towards her own holiday because she is a child of the family . Not because her mother demanded it.
I wonder if you will contribute to your own children's first holiday away with friends.
When they are your own children 18 doesnt seem so old!

And as a woman what would be stopping you?

He's really giving her NOTHING for uni? And you're going on a £10k holiday?

No to giving her the monies.
However, you splash out on Disney after she is 18 and know that is not her type of holiday.
Youa re obviously pleased CMS stops as she has finished College
She is getting maximum loans out - are you contributing.

It is always deeply suspicious when the second family organise a once ina life time holiday that et\ither deliberately excludes or is not the type of holiday that the step child would like

This type of scenario - minus the askng for the monies is so common on the SM forum

See if she'd said 'listen, Sadie doesn't want to come on a family holiday with me this year either but has her heart set on a trip to Ibiza with pals, I've said I'll give her £250 towards it, is there any way you guys could contribute too since she's not going to Disney?' I think I could see her point. Like it's be nice to contribute if you can. Buy the demanding is weird

?? I am not the op's husband ??