AIBU to not see friend one to one anymore?

[TheOnlyWayIsYazz]

I have a long-term friend, Mandie, who still lives in the city we grew up in. I go back around every six weeks to two months, and she's always keen to meet up.

Mandie has always been a "living for the weekend" type, so as soon as Friday night hits, she's out. However, while her brain still thinks she's 21 and can do a big night on both Friday and Saturday, her body thinks otherwise, and she often ends up on the sofa on the Saturday as she's too tired/hungover to go out again.

The problem is, if I go home, she wants to come out with her on Fridays. This doesn't work for me, as it means either going out straight off the train and getting back to my parents' house really late, or dashing back there, dumping my bags and going straight back out - neither of which are very fair on my parents, who I've actually gone to see! So I've said I can meet on Saturdays.

However, a couple of times now she's bellyached about meeting on Saturdays because she wants to go out on the Friday. I've told her there's nothing to stop her doing both, but I get the whole "Awwh, but you know what I'm like" routine. Then the last couple of times we've agreed to meet on Saturday, she's cancelled last minute with "a touch of flu" or "an upset stomach". (Funny she never gets these on a Friday...)

As such, I only invite her out now if I can include her in existing plans. I invited her out with other friends a few months ago and she responded "I'd prefer it if it was just the two of us". I said I couldn't do that as I'd made plans. I did the same this weekend and got "Not up for meeting with a whole crowd. Would LOVE to meet up just the two of us".

Now I've had a message this morning saying she's been thinking about it and that it feels like I never want to see her one on one anymore, and that she's upset. It's not that I don't want to - it's that I never know if she'll actually turn up. My time at home is precious. I want to see my family, other friends. I can't afford to block time out for someone who doesn't bother. It wouldn't kill her to have a few Fridays off a year!

Should I message back and say as much?

Give her the chance to see your perspective by calmly explaining your point of view, she may not have noticed how many times she has bailed on you with a Saturday hangover.

Yes. If she cares enough about seeing you 1-2-1 she’ll prioritise it. If not, you know where you are.

I’d message back and be blunt, you have nothing to lose!

Whilst it’s nice that she wants to see you, she’s trying to monopolize your time and it seems that it has to be all on her terms.
It’s hard being the one returning home - family is the priority and you have many people to catch up with, not just her…who is unreliable and flaky.

Well I think she's done the right thing being straight and deserves the same back from you. I wouldn't say anything about her nights out - that's her business - I'd focus on her behaviour towards you; canceling.

So give her some options that fit your diary. Coffee Saturday afternoon. Walk in the park on Sunday morning. You dropping in for cup of tea before you get the train back. Whatever. It’s not much of a friendship if all she wants is a wingwomen for Friday night binges.

I agree you shouldn’t feel obliged to offer her one on one time on Saturday night if she then has form for cancelling too late for you to see other friends who you would otherwise have spent the time with.

You've got the patience of a saint

Just tell her what you've told us, explain that Friday nights don't work for you and you'd love to meet up 1 to 1 still but it needs to be a way that works for both you. Probably means finding something new to do as well.

I agree with this. Just say that the the last x number of times you were meant to meet just the two of you she cancelled last minute leaving you at a loose end. There's no need to be judgemental about her lifestyle.

Or how about inviting her to yours for dinner and drinks on a Friday evening so you can have a relaxed catch-up?

Just use your words. Say she cancels a lot, and that when you're back visiting your home town, you're on a schedule.

The thing is I can't really make it about the cancelling without referencing why - otherwise she'll just say "But I was ill!" or similar. The point is that I KNOW she wasn't ill - she was hung over, and wasn't bothered enough about seeing me one on one to avoid that.

Or how about inviting her to yours for dinner and drinks on a Friday evening so you can have a relaxed catch-up?

It's my parents' house; it would be odd to invite a guest over.

If they are understanding, you could explain to your parents that you really want to see your flaky friend and Friday night is the only possible time, but you will stay in to spend Saturday evening with them. If you want to keep up the friendship, that is. Sounds as if your friend is not offering an alternative.

It’s not much of a friendship if all she wants is a wingwomen for Friday night binges.

I think this is it, to be honest. She says she wants to see me, but really I think she just wants someone to go out with. Otherwise she'd accept Fridays are a no-go for me and plan accordingly.

So who does she usually go out with on a Friday night? Surely not alone so even if you met up on a Friday night it wouldn’t be a 1:1 catch up

Just say “Fridays are not a good night for me anymore. I prefer a wuiet Saturday morning get together.” Leave it at that. She doesn’t really care that you are not making plans with her. She is just trying to neg you to get back to goong out Friday nights. You don’t have to have any conversation about it or argument. Just say “Im not up for friday’s anymore . “ she will stop asking you or agreeing to dates on her own

Yes you can. The reason for cancelling doesn't actually matter because the impact on you is the same.

If she says she was ill then that's what she says.

You sound as inflexible as she does if you will only entertain the idea of meeting on a Saturday at a specific time and won't consider inviting her to yours, or even out for dinner where you live.

Just respond and say "happy to see you one to one, but i can't do Friday evenings. Happy to have lunch on Saturday or Sunday if you're free though?"

She has "locals" where she'll always know people; more casual friends. But she'd make more of a thing of going out with me.

What a strange comment!

I live miles away. I don't invite guests to my parents' house when I'm staying there - I'm not a teenager inviting my mates over.

If I lived up the road then of course I could consider seeing her on Fridays instead. But I don't. I have to travel on Friday evenings - and I'm not prepared to either go out with my bags and get back too late to see my parents, or rush home, say "hello" and dump my bags and rush straight back out. I don't see that as unreasonable.

The only reason she "can't" do Saturdays is because she gets too drunk on a Friday. That's not can't, it's won't. And what makes you think someone who wants to get drunk every Friday will suddenly want to travel out to suburbia for dinner at my parents' house instead?

The reason for cancelling doesn't actually matter because the impact on you is the same.

The impact is the same, but if someone is genuinely ill, of course I'm not going to be mad with them for cancelling. When they've made themselves ill, and knows very well that I will know that, then yes, I take issue.

Just give her the simple facts.

I used to have a friend who would often be ill, or busy, or stressed at the last minute & I was always very sympathetic, but then she said something about always over-promising, and I realised that when she over-promised it was usually me who got dropped. If she wants to see you enough she’ll listen, and take steps to make sure she’s able to.

I have messaged back saying:

"It's not that I don't want to see you when it's just us - but I never know if you'll turn up. You keep saying we'll meet up, but then you say you're ill, even though you've been out the night before. I don't have much time at home and if I'm going to make plans, I can't be wondering if you'll even come."

Let's see what happens.

Yanbu.
Your time visiting is precious.
You were correct to spell it out to her.

She’s being unreasonable. You’re the one actually doing the travelling and she can’t prioritise that on the weekends you’re there. I would wonder if she’s an alcoholic but quite frankly, that’s also not your problem.

I don't think she's an alcoholic, because she barely drinks at home - but I do think she's a binge drinker.