AIBU to not see friend one to one anymore?

[TheOnlyWayIsYazz]

I have a long-term friend, Mandie, who still lives in the city we grew up in. I go back around every six weeks to two months, and she's always keen to meet up.

Mandie has always been a "living for the weekend" type, so as soon as Friday night hits, she's out. However, while her brain still thinks she's 21 and can do a big night on both Friday and Saturday, her body thinks otherwise, and she often ends up on the sofa on the Saturday as she's too tired/hungover to go out again.

The problem is, if I go home, she wants to come out with her on Fridays. This doesn't work for me, as it means either going out straight off the train and getting back to my parents' house really late, or dashing back there, dumping my bags and going straight back out - neither of which are very fair on my parents, who I've actually gone to see! So I've said I can meet on Saturdays.

However, a couple of times now she's bellyached about meeting on Saturdays because she wants to go out on the Friday. I've told her there's nothing to stop her doing both, but I get the whole "Awwh, but you know what I'm like" routine. Then the last couple of times we've agreed to meet on Saturday, she's cancelled last minute with "a touch of flu" or "an upset stomach". (Funny she never gets these on a Friday...)

As such, I only invite her out now if I can include her in existing plans. I invited her out with other friends a few months ago and she responded "I'd prefer it if it was just the two of us". I said I couldn't do that as I'd made plans. I did the same this weekend and got "Not up for meeting with a whole crowd. Would LOVE to meet up just the two of us".

Now I've had a message this morning saying she's been thinking about it and that it feels like I never want to see her one on one anymore, and that she's upset. It's not that I don't want to - it's that I never know if she'll actually turn up. My time at home is precious. I want to see my family, other friends. I can't afford to block time out for someone who doesn't bother. It wouldn't kill her to have a few Fridays off a year!

Should I message back and say as much?

Yes, you should! Just a simple " every time I've tried fora one-on-one you've cancelled".

Then give her one more chance?

I agree you’re as inflexible as she is, also you seem quite snooty about her going out drinking.

Wanting to see your parents doesn’t trump her wanting to go out just because you deem one more morally acceptable than the other.

Yes she could make the odd Saturday, but you could make the odd Friday too. If neither will compromise then the friendship has run its course.

You speak about Mandie in such a condescending manner. Let me guess, you have moved to London/another major city and you expect your friends to roll out the red carpet for your sporadic visits back to your provincial hometown and do exactly as you please. Your disdain for her is so evident; you clearly judge her drinking and lifestyle and seem to deem yourself as morally superior for wanting to have a wholesome night in with your parents. Almost as though you are sooo above her and have grown out of shock horror drinking after work on Friday. You don't like her at all, so why do you even bother?

But she wants to go out Friday! You want to go out Saturday! Just take it in turns. As a parent and a daughter I’d have no problem with my child dropping bags and heading out. I’ve done this loads of times with my parents and siblings. My siblings come to see me for a weekend and drop bags after a commute to meet their friends (or keep them on them and head straight out), I’ve never even considered it an issue.

She can do all the things you’ve suggested, every alternate weekend you see each other. Why can’t you do something with your parents on Saturday instead? You’ll have the whole day and evening with them. You both have a different preference for which days you want to go out. I don’t think either trumps the other.

I have a relative who frequently comes "home" and generally stays at any of 3 different locations. Sometimes a night somewhere and then 2 nights somewhere else.

I totally understand where you're coming from OP. I don't feel my relative would like to just drop their bags and shoot out again and honestly, I'm not sure I would like to do that, either, if I were the one visiting...

I'd be sticking to this: it's important to you.

Is there a way that you could stay at your friends on the friday night?

This way, your parents would expect to see you on the Saturday that week and you'd see your friend, too.

I do see your point very much though! If the only reason someone couldn't see me seemed to be because they prioritised drinking the night before then I'd be a bit miffed too.

I can see where the staying at your friends may be an issue in terms of she would then suggest doing this every time etc... and so you'd definitely need to suggest this with caution.

Wow - someone who moved to London really hurt you, didn't they?

I don't know what your definition of rolling out the red carpet is, but for me, it isn't just turning up when you say you will. If Mandie is "rolling out the red carpet" by agreeing to meet me on a Saturday, she's pulling it right out from under my feet by cancelling at the last minute every time, isn't she?

That's not a red carpet. It's not even a threadbare old rug.

Agreed she should not be flaking out on you when arrangenents have been made. You should call her out on it; but you are still coming across as inflexible, snooty and condescending.
And to suggest that the person who posted this must have been hurt by someone who moved to London is insanev😅

Sounds like she wants it all her own way. She wants to see you, but ONLY on her terms - on the day she wants, in the format she wants, doing what she wants...its all very me me me. You sound like youre just an accessory to her rather sad Friday night 'hanging on to my youth' sessions, which it also sounds like you have pretty much outgrown. This is one of those friendships Id let quietly fade out,

Could you do Sunday lunch?

Slightly off topic, but for some reason I have this image of Big Mandy from This Country throwing her weight around the village pub, hogging the fruit machine and the "locals" who are casual friends are just people enjoying a quiet pint who don't want to be bothered.

OP, I live in London myself, but in the adult world, coming back to your hometown every 6 weeks or thereabouts is a fairly regular visit. Treating it as though it is some special event with high expectations of others is a little grandiose.

Having expectations that you will catch up with multiple people over the course of a weekend is far too high. Expecting to catch up with Mandie, other friends and your parents over the course of a few days is essentially cramming them in. I can imagine that everyone feels as though they have to commit to a timeslot to catch up with you. Why not quietly return to see your parents one weekend without broadcasting it to your entire social circle back home? You could do the same for your other friends that you want to see and for Mandie if you truly would like to stay friends with her.

I find it odd that you put me wanting to show some consideration to my own parents on the same level as her wanting to get pissed on a Friday.

This is the crux of the issue - you have reasons not to meet on Friday, she has reasons not to meet on Saturday. You think your reasons are 'better' than hers so you think she is BU. FWIW I would tend to agree with you but that's not really the point.

Different people prioritise different things but neither of you are prioritising each other so perhaps neither of you are that bothered?

It sounds like they both want it on their terms - OP wants to meet Saturday, friend wants to meet Friday and neither is happy to compromise.

YANBU

To dump and run or arrive late when you’re staying at someone’s house would be unreasonable and rude. If it was a special occasion like a birthday or something that’s a different matter, also going out straight after travelling is not nice for anyone. Your friend is being selfish. You’ve travelled back to see everyone and done the bulk of the work already she needs to accommodate that. This is coming from someone who’s been both people, however I always said to my friends “chill out, rest up, see your folks and we’ll catch up tomorrow”. If she’s wants to see you one to one, she needs to be there on a Saturday or travel and meet you where you actually live. Your parents are the ones putting you up of course they come first. If she was putting you up it may be different.

You could have handled this a bit less dramatically by saying you’re not up for meeting Friday evenings because xyz but you’d love to meet up 1:1 Saturday day times if she’s available.

Well, we'll have to agree to disagree on what constitutes "insane". A bizarre rant on behalf of someone you've never met, coupled with "You think you're so special because you've moved to a bigger city", falls into that bracket for me.

What makes you think someone who gets so drunk on Fridays that she can't make it out on Saturday night will be in a condition to meet in the daytime?

I'm really not sure why you think I'm turning my visits into a big event or "grandiose". Catching up with friends and family when you visit your home town is perfectly normal. I don't necessarily see everyone on every trip; there will also be times when they are the ones who are too busy rather than me. That's fine.

What isn't fine is pretending to be desperate to see me, but only as long as it doesn't disrupt the same routine they follow every week.

You're just not getting that I'm simply not available on Friday nights. It isn't about preference - it's about practicality. Even if I leave work bang on 5 and get the first train I can (not cheap on a Friday at rush hour!), the earliest I could be in my home city is 7pm, at a real push. That doesn't leave a lot of breathing space.

Compromise would be fine if we were both free both nights. It would also be fine if we both had commitments on one of the nights. But there's nothing making it difficult for Mandie to be out on a Saturday - apart from herself and the amount she drinks on a Friday.

She may not. She may choose to keep drinking on Fridays and never see you. The point is that you’ve handled it in a dignified manner and politely explained to an old friend when you are and aren’t up for meeting her.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. Up until now, you’ve done it her way, now it’s her turn but, she’s choosing to get so drunk on the Friday night that she can’t get herself up and ready to meet you on Saturday. Your lives are no longer compatible because she won’t make the effort that you have made in the past.

Presumably Mandie knows you can't meet until 7 - 7:30pm earliest and still wants to meet you at that time? Doesn't sound like a wild time to go out to me.

Look, I am not saying I personally think it's reasonable to prioritise getting pissed over seeing a mate but you are prioritising seeing your parents on Friday. You are both prioritising something else.

Thank you to those who have made sensible comments or suggestions. I think something this thread has really shown me, and that I haven't wanted to admit, is that Mandie says she wants to see me, but really, she wants someone to go out on the lash with.

Every time someone on this thread has made (perfectly reasonable) suggestions such as "Why not invite her for dinner/coffee/Sunday lunch instead?", I've found myself thinking "No, she won't be interested in that". And that's the crux of it. If she was genuinely interested in seeing ME, she would happily do one of those things. But no - it always has to be a Big Night Out.

I think it's time to reassess the friendship. Some people have called me judgemental on this thread, but whether you think that or not, the reality is I just don't want friends who are only interested in clubbing partners anymore.

Mandie might not have admitted that to herself.

I’ve read all your comments and to me she just sounds like a pisshead who’s only interested in someone else when they can help her prop up the bar. I would rethink the friendship as it sounds like it’s run its course to me.

Pick up the phone and speak or go and see her.