AIBU to not see friend one to one anymore?

[TheOnlyWayIsYazz]

I have a long-term friend, Mandie, who still lives in the city we grew up in. I go back around every six weeks to two months, and she's always keen to meet up.

Mandie has always been a "living for the weekend" type, so as soon as Friday night hits, she's out. However, while her brain still thinks she's 21 and can do a big night on both Friday and Saturday, her body thinks otherwise, and she often ends up on the sofa on the Saturday as she's too tired/hungover to go out again.

The problem is, if I go home, she wants to come out with her on Fridays. This doesn't work for me, as it means either going out straight off the train and getting back to my parents' house really late, or dashing back there, dumping my bags and going straight back out - neither of which are very fair on my parents, who I've actually gone to see! So I've said I can meet on Saturdays.

However, a couple of times now she's bellyached about meeting on Saturdays because she wants to go out on the Friday. I've told her there's nothing to stop her doing both, but I get the whole "Awwh, but you know what I'm like" routine. Then the last couple of times we've agreed to meet on Saturday, she's cancelled last minute with "a touch of flu" or "an upset stomach". (Funny she never gets these on a Friday...)

As such, I only invite her out now if I can include her in existing plans. I invited her out with other friends a few months ago and she responded "I'd prefer it if it was just the two of us". I said I couldn't do that as I'd made plans. I did the same this weekend and got "Not up for meeting with a whole crowd. Would LOVE to meet up just the two of us".

Now I've had a message this morning saying she's been thinking about it and that it feels like I never want to see her one on one anymore, and that she's upset. It's not that I don't want to - it's that I never know if she'll actually turn up. My time at home is precious. I want to see my family, other friends. I can't afford to block time out for someone who doesn't bother. It wouldn't kill her to have a few Fridays off a year!

Should I message back and say as much?

That’s exactly the point I and many other posters have been trying to make !!

you are BOTH being inflexible 🤦🏽‍♀️

YANBU to explain the issue. At this point, I think you have nothing to lose and might as well be honest. If she's not happy, maybe it's time for this friendship to change or fade out entirely. She wants things her way or no way at all, and that simply doesn't work for you any longer. If she really cared about seeing you, she'd be capable of changing her Friday night plans when you're in town. All she'd have to do is dial back the drinking a bit or postpone it until Saturday night. Not such a huge sacrifice to catch up with a friend, you'd think. She sounds selfish and immature.

ETA: And I don't see you as being inflexible. You're only in town rarely and need to prioritise seeing your family. She's there most of the time, so most of the weekends you're in town shouldn't be anything special for her—except that you're there, which would be the right time to make the supreme sacrifice of not getting hungover for once. 🙄Sorry, I think she only wants to see you on a Friday night out, and since that doesn't work for you, the friendship has run its course.

I think you're right Op. It definitely sounds like the friendship has run it's course. It's sad when it happens, but sometimes people just grow apart and want different things.

I had a different, but in some ways similar situation. For background I'd moved to an area where I didn't know anyone (I moved for work). My parents lived about an hour and a half from where I moved and my sister about 4 hours. I also had two really good friendship groups who were scattered over the country (one from sixth form, the other from University). I made a friend when I first moved to the area (I'll call her Eliza) who lived in a nearby flat. We would go out on nights out together. She was one of those people who once she was in a relationship wouldn't see her friends. She would regularly have boyfriends so there were long periods of time I wouldn't see her. It wasn't a problem, but I never really saw her as a close friend because of this. I was happy to spend time with her when she was about though. Eliza ended up meeting someone and getting married. She moved with him a couple of hours away. She regularly visited the area I lived as all her friends and family were there. She contacted me to say she couldn't fit me in when visiting the area, as she had lots of people to see. That I would need to travel to her to meet up. I didn't really respond. It wasn't annoyed as I didn't see her as a close friend. More a bit perplexed, she couldn't find an hour to catch up with me every now and then while she was visiting, but expected me to do a 4 hour round trip to see her. Especially when I already needed to do a lot of travelling to see family and friends. Needless to say I never went to see her. The only time I've seen her since is at the evening reception to my wedding. In hindsight I'm not really sure why I invited her. Maybe just I felt bad not inviting her at all as I'd been to full day of her wedding.

I don't think the OP is being inflexible at all. She's available on the Saturday, her friend says she is then cancels. The reasons why the OP isn't available on a Friday are completely irrelevant; when I first moved away I would want to see my family first when I returned so never went out the night I got there. I get it OP.

I think the message you sent was perfect. Maybe it will give her a moment to reflect on how many times she’s let you down lately. I have done similar in my twenties and a friend explained how upsetting it was to let her down often. It gave me a reality check and since then I only accept meet ups if I’m genuinely going, and cannot cancel unless I’m at deaths door! I did have a friend in my younger days who only wanted a wing man for drinking on Friday nights. She never wanted to do anything different and would be annoyed if I asked to change it to Saturday lunch/evening. Not sure what her obsession was with drinking on a Friday night?! That friendship naturally ended when I was pregnant as I couldn’t be that drinking buddy for her! Not sure she’s your friend really?!

It seems obvious to me that you should reply and tell her why you're not making one on one plans with her.

You're deliberately misunderstanding me.

To me it sounds like the truth is this friendship has run it's course. You have moved on and have different interests/priorities these days. I'd recommend just continuing being friendly, but don't put yourself out. Invite her to events with mutual friends etc, but don't be offended if she cancels.

Yes.

I think you’re probably right OP but I think you should at least give her the benefit of the doubt. Try suggesting a 1:1 Sat afternoon coffee or Sunday brunch and see what she says.

Have you invited her to stay with you in London/whereever you live? That would demonstrate to her that you want to see her for her own sake rather than fitting her around other plans (which may be her perception) ?

OP, yanbu at all.
She's looking for someone to go on the piss with.
I would let this one drift, not worth the drama.