AIBU to not see friend one to one anymore?

[TheOnlyWayIsYazz]

I have a long-term friend, Mandie, who still lives in the city we grew up in. I go back around every six weeks to two months, and she's always keen to meet up.

Mandie has always been a "living for the weekend" type, so as soon as Friday night hits, she's out. However, while her brain still thinks she's 21 and can do a big night on both Friday and Saturday, her body thinks otherwise, and she often ends up on the sofa on the Saturday as she's too tired/hungover to go out again.

The problem is, if I go home, she wants to come out with her on Fridays. This doesn't work for me, as it means either going out straight off the train and getting back to my parents' house really late, or dashing back there, dumping my bags and going straight back out - neither of which are very fair on my parents, who I've actually gone to see! So I've said I can meet on Saturdays.

However, a couple of times now she's bellyached about meeting on Saturdays because she wants to go out on the Friday. I've told her there's nothing to stop her doing both, but I get the whole "Awwh, but you know what I'm like" routine. Then the last couple of times we've agreed to meet on Saturday, she's cancelled last minute with "a touch of flu" or "an upset stomach". (Funny she never gets these on a Friday...)

As such, I only invite her out now if I can include her in existing plans. I invited her out with other friends a few months ago and she responded "I'd prefer it if it was just the two of us". I said I couldn't do that as I'd made plans. I did the same this weekend and got "Not up for meeting with a whole crowd. Would LOVE to meet up just the two of us".

Now I've had a message this morning saying she's been thinking about it and that it feels like I never want to see her one on one anymore, and that she's upset. It's not that I don't want to - it's that I never know if she'll actually turn up. My time at home is precious. I want to see my family, other friends. I can't afford to block time out for someone who doesn't bother. It wouldn't kill her to have a few Fridays off a year!

Should I message back and say as much?

I assume she never offers to travel to visit you and see you one on one where you live?

Surely you can both be flexible? Sometimes go out on a Friday, sometimes a Saturday? A bit of give and take from both of you wouldn't go amiss. Seems like you both want it on your own terms or not at all.

If you go home every 6 weeks and see her, and she’s only called off twice it’s still in ‘benefit of the doubt’ territory. I think compromise - sometimes Friday sometimes Saturday. If you do message I’d voice note as it’s much easier to convey a breezy tone. There are tons of posts on here about not having friends and feeling lonely or left out (especially as people get older and friendships drift) - if she has other qualities that you love then try to figure it out. If a friendship is worth saving you should. Good luck :)

edit: just seen that you already messaged.

This.

I’d tell her and in your situation I’d say the following:

I do love spending time with you one on one, but you cancel a lot and then I don’t have Saturday plans.
Fridays don’t really work for me because I’m coming home to see my family/parents and it’s rude for me (an adult) to come home late on the first night, so I won’t do that anymore except for the very odd occasion.

Just leave it with, she could always come and visit you in your town?

I think you need to be honest too, say Friday nights on a bender don’t work for you as you need to spend time with your family, but Saturday afternoons work for you as you're not a drinker.

it could be a friendship you don’t see everytime you visit amd that’s ok.

Maybe tell her late night drinking isn't really your thing anymore but a meal out on a Friday to have a good old chinwag would be great, also that means you won't be inconveniencing your parents by getting back too late.

But it isn't an option; I've explained why it isn't an option. It's not just me being pernickety.

There's also zero reason why she couldn't come out on a Saturday. It's a handful of times a year.

You could meet her for an hour or two when you get there on Friday and then it's out of the way for the rest of the weekend. You don't have to be out all night.

But, I see that you have told her the reason now and I think that's the best approach. She should know how her flakyness affects others and it can't be all on her terms.

This sounds like a friendship that has run its course.

It's sad when its an old friend, but there's no point in hanging on to someone if its just stressful for you each time.

What exactly do you get from this friendship? When you do manage to meet up, does she ask you about your life where you are now living? Is she a good listener, a good advice giver? Does she remember birthdays or contact you in between the times you are home? Does she know the names of the people that are in your life on a regular basis?

Or do you just head to her local pub/nightclub, get sloshed, chat to her mates/the regulars and spend your time giving her advice about her life?

I would say keep your boundaries. Tell her that you're only available Saturdays as Fridays are for your parents. Tell her if she wants one-to-one meet ups, it'll have to be for lunch or coffee, as as much as you like her, she's not your only friend and there's others you need to catch up with.

Honestly I would give her one last try…if she bails then send the message after explaining exactly why you don’t do 121’s and she’s proven the point.

Has she replied to you or is she in a huff.

Explain it to her like you have here. It sounds like she definitely has an alcohol dependency. Keeping herself sober during the working week and then HAVING to have a big binge Friday night to relax/have fun is a dependency. Especially if she’s avoiding being any more sociable than hanging out with you, and allowing this routine to damage relationships.

Alcoholism doesn’t start with the hidden bottles behind the baked bean tins. It starts like this, being inflexible about when they drink alcohol and falling out with friends.

So you won’t do Fridays because your parents are more important every single time, they can’t possibly wait til Saturday to hang out with you. Why can’t you swap the days around?

And she won’t do Saturdays because she’s hungover, drinking is more important to her and she can’t miss a night out.

Both of you sound inflexible, neither of you seem to prioritise the friendship much. Only one of you had the guts to be straight up.

Call her out back and sort it out, or throw the friendship away if neither of you want to bother to prioritise it.

I don’t understand why you can’t alternate? You want Saturdays, she wants Fridays. Both of you need to compromise. I can’t see the problem?

Presumably you’re not going back to your parents for a week, so everything can fit into a rucksack? What’s the issue with dumping your stuff at your parents and going out? You’ll see your parents all day the next day, so there is no difference. Surely your parents aren’t that unreasonable?

You've done the right thing telling her how you feel. The ball's in her court now.

I think your message back is fair, and you're right not to just dump stuff at home and head out - it isnt nice for your parents, i would feel the same. It might be worth thinking of some solutions, rather than just "we can only go out as a group because i can't see you Friday and you let me down on saturdays". Is it an option for her to travel and visit you at your home? Could you see her Sunday morning for bottomless brunch or something? Could you do one glass straight from the train but then go home, or have dinner friday, so you're arriving at your parents at a sensible time? Could you arrange to meet for a wine before you meet your group of friends on Saturday nights (less of an issue if she cries off). I feel like there are other ways to hang out than just going out-out just 121 on either Friday or Saturday night.
I imagine you're right, she's looking for someone she trusts to get wasted with, alcoholism isn't just drinking all the time - if she can't control how much she drinks, even if it's only once a week, then it's an addiction. It's up to you whether you want to have that chat with her or support her with that though. You're probably doing her a favour calling it out honestly like this.
I also think it depends how much you care, sometimes friends grow apart and if she won't compromise and you don't want to put up with it, then it is what it is.

I think what you put was fair. There’s also the fact that you have a short space of time to see people so groups makes it easier

Yeah it’s all one sided on her terms only. At least she’s told you how she’s feeling.

id try two different options invite her to where you do live as you’ve not mentioned if she comes to see you, I used to have a close friend who refused to come and see me we are no longer best friends.

And the other option meet up with her on the Sunday instead for a lunch out. She can’t still have a hangover then and you will have seen your parents on Saturday.

Of course my parents COULD wait - I just don't think it's very fair. Besides, I actually want to see them!

I find it odd that you put me wanting to show some consideration to my own parents on the same level as her wanting to get pissed on a Friday.

I find it bizarre that you're suggesting my parents are unreasonable when I've never suggested the issue is theirs. They would understand if there was some valid reason I actually needed to go straight out.

If Mandie and I lived in the same city and had both nights free, then yes, we'd need to compromise. If Mandie had commitments on Saturday (work, childcare) then we'd need to compromise. But the only reason she can't come out on Saturdays is she likes getting pissed on Fridays too much.

She could stay in the odd Friday I'm going to be in town. She could drink less on Friday. She could drink what she liked on Friday, but take it slower on Saturday. All these are options. But she doesn't want to take any of them - which suggests to me it's not me she's bothered about, but a partner in crime.

In a huff 🙄

I started out thinking YANBU but then having read all your update I think YABU in that you’re being just as inflexible as her.

It really wouldn’t be the big deal you are making it out to be if 1 week now and again you dropped your bags at your parents and headed out with your friend.

Then it would be even less of a big deal if, for the few weekends a year I'm in town, she had a quieter Friday night and came out when I was actually available.