Sick of my wife’s temper

[Seriouslyworrieddad]

My wife has always had a temper but recently it’s next level and I’m concerned for her but mainly our child.

We have a toddler who admittedly is extremely full on - for the last 6 weeks he has been going through a sleep regression and my wife has been completely loosing the plot with him during night wakes.

We had a conversation about it last week and she said she would look into anger management.

I’m away at the moment and my wife is now sleep training our toddler. I called before bedtime to say good night not realising that my wife had put our child down early. She answered the call in a room seperate to where our child was sleeping but it must have disturbed them as the next thing I could hear was our child crying so my wife hung up.

She then preceded to send me increasingly angry messages saying bedtime was a disaster and then called me shouting down the phone saying it was all my fault. I could hear our child screaming and crying in the background.

Thankfully I know my child is asleep now but I’m just getting sick to death of my wife’s temper and worried about her with my child.

Does anyone have any advice please ?

My son as 3 before he slept 5 hours straight and again it was 1 night, prior to that he was up at least every 2 hours and I had another baby who breastfed through the night. A year is what people expect, 2/3/4 + years is a reality for many.

However not everyone has the same resilience and for some a year in a unsupportive relationship doing lm the parenting is too much.

In the thread he didn't ask what they could change as a family

He didn't reflect on their situation

He didn't question in any way how or whether he could contribute to a solution.

Of course not because he’s not the problem - his wife is.
She is the one with the anger problem.

He gives her lie ins, she goes out to the gym, he asks what else he can do - and for some posters this still isn’t good enough because they think he should be working FT and taking on the majority of parenting, whilst she sits at home doing nothing.

If the sexes were reversed then posters would not be telling the working mother that she needs to do more over the SAHD.

And OP has to work, it’s the only income they have - if her temper is this bad, imagine what it would be like if they couldn’t afford the bills.

Saying he shouldn’t go to work is ridiculous and childish.
He needs to work.
She has obviously never been this bad and he says how her behaviour is escalating and this aggressive behaviour is what triggered him to start the thread.

Even then posters blamed him for ringing the poor wife and waking the child, even though he said she’d put the child to bed early.

If I was him I would have rang SS and kicked her out of my house but he seems a bit too soft and therefore chose to get advice on MN first.

I don’t think he should leave the baby alone with her again and I think she needs to go back to work and him SAH.
It’s just not worth the risk.

He doesn't say if she takes the child to the gym with her.

He 'gives her lie ins' ffs are you joking? Do you mean sometimes he parents in the morning for a bit?

If he's worried his child is being abused then he doesn't leave his child with her. That's what a woman would be told, go home and take care of your child, he's not fit. So he should go home and take care of his child, she's not fir

You can’t hold his job against & you can’t blame him for ringing at the wrong time but what you accuse others of you’ve done yourself. Call SS you don’t think that’s extreme? Especially when he’s done so little to try and alleviate the pressure from her annd you’ve also hugely inflated his contribution. He still sleeps while she does all the night wake ups and takes over when he gets up in the morning. 6 weeks is 42 days and he’s admitted to getting up in the night one weekend. He then quickly says but we went away just the 2 of us a few weeks ago. So she dealt with this alone and with broken sleep for 38 days. His solution to this is to offer his help. When the truth is when he hasn’t got work the next get out the fucking bed and do the night shift especially when you have the luxury of a hotel bed in the week. Don’t ask just do. He doesn’t do bedtimes unless it escalates and doesn’t cook dinner either. He hasn’t mentioned household chores but was quick to say she goes to the gym a couple of times a week. I’m sorry it is cause for whoopie do what a lucky lady, that a married lady who’s essentially a single mom
a good chunk of the week gets the grand total of no more than a couple of hours a week to herself

Ridiculous that people are suggesting she get a job when she already isn’t coping as a SAHM. That’s really going to help the situation.

Bit unfair to poster. She is a SAHM so can nap in the day.child slept till a few weeks ago so not a lack of sleep issue. Sounds like he has offered to help.
Why does a working husband have to do night waking when mum is at home, then do a days work ?

That’s you . Other people find it fine . It’s so dramatic to call cooking a meal the biggest job in the house .

i don’t think it’s ridiculous a job can be great for one’s mental health . Ridiculous people suggesting the one earner in the household should find a new career . Just such bad advice on this thread it’s unreal

A job can also be disastrous for mental health.

I agree the suggestion that OP should just drop his job and find another is ridiculous too.

If the wife isn’t coping with bedtimes how is the added pressure of working going to help, especially if OP is away.

She needs more support, therapy and medicating IMO.

Why are you so desperate to make him the bad guy when the only person who is doing anything wrong here is the wife.

Giving someone a lie in is literally an expression.
It doesn’t sound like he gets many chances to lie in but he did lie in, then yes the wife would be giving him a lie in.

And you’re correct, she’s not fit to look after her child. I’m glad we can at least agree on that.

No it’s not - I find it that like many other people. Just because you like it does not mean most do - what do you think is the hardest/worst job?

I couldn't nap in the day as my eldest, terrible sleeper, also only slept when feeding. (Has a diagnosed sleep disorder now) Or when pushed fast in a buggy or when desparation kicked in when breastfed while walking in a baby carrier. When I say I tried everything I tried everything. My youngest I cuddled then popped in her msoes baskets and she drifted off. This idea mums can sleep when babies sleep. When do we clean the house? Make the meals for ourselves and the child? If Dad is supportive and goes to 50/50 once he's home then yeah she can sleep while baby sleeps. It doesn't sound like he does much.

Any reasonable father still parents his child outside of his paid working hours, which if they wake in the night includes sometimes dealing with that.

Genuine question...can you take a baby to the gym? What does the baby do whilst mum is working out etc?

My gym has a creche, it's adjoined, you can see them and they can see you, it's staffed. It's only during certain classes and you pay extra.

He's the one asking for advice yet the only advice he is asking for is how to make his wife, who he has left in charge of his child, work on her anger.

While he's away and she's at home parenting alone.

Either he's worried for his child in which case why is he leaving his child with an abusive parent? That's what we'd say if a woman asked this.

Or he's annoyed she's not happily doing everything and he's having to step in occasionally when the poor chap has a job (I'd like to be clear I work full time with children, I'm not predisposed to be on the side of a sahm because I am one or anything, I absolutely think there's more equality in both working and both parenting)

If a mum went to a work trip and left her child with a man she thought was being abusive she'd be told to go home and get her child. Why aren't we telling him that?

A weekend away isn't enough to solve her sleep deprivation. It may even have contributed to her exhaustion. I really hope you didn't pester her for sex during this time.

It really does sound like you're not doing anywhere near enough. Working long hours & going away for work are just your excuses for your lack of contribution to the household and parenting duties.

Your wife is at the end of her tether and instead of giving her practical support, you're judging her.

You don't want to seem to step up, you'd rather criticise and blame your wife when she's at a very low point right now.

FFS, this has only arisen in the last few weeks since the toddler was weaned off breast milk. If she can find time to go to the gym, she can have a daytime bloody nap, or go to bet early after putting her child to sleep for a few nights…. Just like the rest of us did when our toddlers were having sleep blips.

She is a SAHM mother of ONE child. She needs to speak to a HV to get some strategies to get him back to sleeping through - as he was doing until recently. And she needs to curb her temper and behaviour - or get help if she can’t.

And… Just why would you start ungrounded sex pestering accusations?

The extreme man-hatred on this site is beyond comprehension and utterly off the scale.

To be fair, I was also thinking this. I, and a great many other women are diagnosed later, often because we can no longer mask due to hormonal changes (and yes stopping bf is one) plus having a small child is so overstimulating at times.

I've only read some of the first replied but I'm so glad to see that people are saying this woman needs help

Unless you have done a lot of night shifts with the baby/toddler back to back you have no idea how hard it is.

Especially the bedtime routine when you finally think they are down and then they wake up . It can be frustrating

This woman needs help not someone ranting about her anger

6 weeks. Isn’t a short time to go without sleep. 🤪

its been 6 weeks. He’s been off the breast for several weeks before that. Daytime napping doesn’t make up for lost sleep in the day. It can actually contribute to feeling more fatigued and groggy.

but with all obvious pearls of wisdom you’ve given do you think she hasn’t tried that.

for me the gym is about that endorphin hit more than fitness. I go every morning because if I don’t I have unproductive days. She should definitely go to the gym and possibly should do so more than just a couple of times a week. Because 1 she gets a break 2. Exercise is such a powerful antidepressant.

as for man hatred. I 95% stick up for men on this platform. I’ve been in this woman shoes. My toddler slept from 7.30 - 10pm, then was up at 12,2,4 and anytime after 6pm he woke that was it for the day. He fought every nap, every bedtime & every time I’d try and sooth him back to sleep. only happy if he knew he wasn’t going back into his toddler bed. I had 6 weeks of this and I was done in. I wanted out my marriage because the thought of a couple of nights sleep if he was at his dad’s would mean I might survive. I don’t look back at that time fondly. I still to this day get angry about my husband in that time.

By you dodging the question, I would assume you do fuck all bedtimes, fuck all dinners, and fuck all laundry.

Working long hours & going away for work are just your excuses for your lack of contribution to the household and parenting duties.

Sometimes I think there needs to be an explainer for MN commenters that 'work' is required for something called a 'salary'; this 'salary' takes the form of 'money', which can be exchanged for goods and services. These goods and services will very often be 'food', 'electricity', and 'rent'. This concept of 'work' often requires you to be certain places at certain times.

All the 'stepping up' in the world won't feed your family.

@Velumental I thought so. So childcare in essence? Time for mum.