Sick of my wife’s temper

[Seriouslyworrieddad]

My wife has always had a temper but recently it’s next level and I’m concerned for her but mainly our child.

We have a toddler who admittedly is extremely full on - for the last 6 weeks he has been going through a sleep regression and my wife has been completely loosing the plot with him during night wakes.

We had a conversation about it last week and she said she would look into anger management.

I’m away at the moment and my wife is now sleep training our toddler. I called before bedtime to say good night not realising that my wife had put our child down early. She answered the call in a room seperate to where our child was sleeping but it must have disturbed them as the next thing I could hear was our child crying so my wife hung up.

She then preceded to send me increasingly angry messages saying bedtime was a disaster and then called me shouting down the phone saying it was all my fault. I could hear our child screaming and crying in the background.

Thankfully I know my child is asleep now but I’m just getting sick to death of my wife’s temper and worried about her with my child.

Does anyone have any advice please ?

If you can afford it I suggest booking her a few weekends away (Fri-Sun) in a row at a nice spa and hotel where she can catch up on her sleep, while you look after the kids.

You should also consider buying a cleaner / childcare so she gets regular breaks in the day.

Yes. Her behaviour should totally be rewarded. Great suggestion.

OP, have you considered changing your job to something more family-friendly so you don’t have to travel and have shorter working days, so can take on your fair share of the parenting?

Whilst I understand this may come with a pay cut, surely your wife’s mental health and your child having a present father is worth more?

I’ve been in her situation. Having a newborn tiredness is nothing in comparison to a full on energetic toddler who has you up constantly in the night. You aren’t just tired. You’re past tired you’re in a state of fight or flight.

This x 10000000

What if she had a few more kids and a job to go to?

The responses on this thread are absolutely batshit. We're all tired, it doesnt give us a pass for shouting and bullying others

I have some experience with this. When my son only slept 4 hours a night (11-3 every night - autistic and now medicated with melatonin) I was a very angry and depressed person. It put so much pressure on me, the lack of sleep, the lack of free time, and I was full of rage and it affected every area of my life. This went on for 2.5 years before we were allowed to try medication.

Obviously the extremity of my situation may not be applicable to everyone as there are medical issues involved, but the lack of sleep can really affect the human brain.

I don't think she needs anger management, I think she needs support with the sleep deprivation and some time for herself. Now my son sleeps a bit better (around 7 hours per night) my life is so much better, I'm happier, the smallest things aren't causing me to drown, my relationship is better and I'm not angry at everyone.

It's a tough time, but work together and you'll both get through it. There's a reason sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture - it really makes you go insane.

It does sound an extreme reaction.

I have had bouts with extreme exhaustion - two house moved 8 months apart with baby and toddler and then three pre schoolers with DH working away for weeks - and it does fuck with your head but one child and some support from OP seems very OTT.

If she not herself- HV and GP - would be first port of call - pnd could still be there or thyroid condition post pg are common and lead to extreme triedness which could be making night waking unbareable for her.

Otherwise would she accept something like home start support - or is it possible some paid for childcare - so others have eyes on child gives her a break.

How is it shared in this case. Point to what he’s said. He takes over only once she’s snapped. He’s offered to ‘help’ it’s not helping to do your share of the work. If anything it is she that helps him. He says he doesn’t do the cooking. He admits to the times he’s there on the weekends he allows her to lie - in because she’s been up all night.

as far as I’m aware a SAHP is a joint decision. You can’t just say to your partner I’m not working now. It has to be discussed and agreed. I gave up work. I understood that all household chores are now mine and mine alone. Parenting though was always 50/50 when both parents present. I would make sure pack lunches and school admin was in order. But since bedtime and tea time are so close to each other in time. It’s unfair for sahp to do dinner, then bath, read story, settle the child for bed & then come down to tidy up, wash up, prep lunches then go to bed with no down time, get up for screaming child x3, for child to be up for day around 6am, working parent may or may not be up, but that’s the start to their day whilst they’re toddlers. Compared to working parent. Gets up, gets ready, gets stressed commuting, start to their working day, get home, eat dinner, play with kid, kiss kid goodnight, goes downstairs and watches Netflix. Day over be 7pm.

both would have had significant stress throughout the day. But if one parent doesn’t have to stress about the dinner, the washing up, the laundry, the shopping, the kids keeping you up all night etc. it’s a massive benefit to them as well. It’s ignorant to think the only benefitting partner is that of the sah

The response to this thread is because whilst he appreciates she has it bad at present, she’s had 4/5 nights rest in the past 42 days, he responds with I ask her if she wants me to help, I take over when she loses her shit (well done 👍) we discussed her going back to work but she knows that she’d just have a job added to her current workload. His language suggests he thinks the parenting of their child is her responsibility in its entirety and he will only step in if offer of help is gratuitously accepted or she losing her head

Sleep should be held back as a reward…?

I think the reason this thread has caused such a reaction from me is I’ve been in her position also. My son would go to bed as sweet as a nut at 7.30, but by 10 he was up & that could be for 10 minutes or 3 hours, he’d eventually fall back asleep to only sleep 2 hours at a time. To which by 6 am my oldest would be up and raring to go. I kept a sleep diary & came across it about 8 months ago and on a good night I would get 4 hours of interrupted sleep & I even marked it with a happy face, but it doesn’t end with a bad nights sleep, you then have to contend with a toddler who is so overtired all they do is cry and act out all day & will persist with the anti sleep protest when trying to get them to have a nap.

i was so irritable and quite frankly emotionally numb. It’s not a case of being tired it literally is sleep deprivation

Most people would say cooking and shopping are the two most boring and repetitive and unrewarding jobs in a house - I hate cooking and would find it difficult if I was told to do it EVERYDAY

Do you think this might be part of the issue?

He's currently working and doing hardly any parenting.

When you have a sahp family the employed parent works outside the home, while they are out the sahp takes care of all parenting and cooking and cleaning in the moment.

When the wohp comes home the rest of the household work is split 50/50 so everyone has the same working and resting hours.

Otherwise you have a parent, usually a woman, working 24/7 and a man who never has to think about anything but work and gets to only have any responsibility between 9-5on-fri

I think if a female poster said they were worried said dad was losing their temper with their child, but then revealed they were in a hotel elsewhere leaving the dad to parent alone at least some people would rip them to shreds for that. Particularly if, despite not liking the dad shouting at the toddler, they left them to do the putting to bed and night wakings most nights.

I actually don't think the man posting is evil. But I don't think the mum is either. It isnt the same as a man/woman getting angry because their "needs" aren't being met where the needs are sex, or a hot meal on the table each night. Sleep is something you literally die without, and it causes general measurable psychological issues including impaired judgement, derealisation, depression, loss of temper, audio hallucinations, visual hallucinations, suicidal ideation, organ breakdown and death. Clearly his wife is struggling with sleep deprivation, possibly also depression and that isn't something you can will your way out of. It's not acceptable for either parent to allow this continue because it will be having a negative impact on their child. The obvious solution would be to change how nights are organised rather than jumping to LTB.

I think it is unfair to suggest things will be easier if the Mum gets a job or that she wants to be a SAHM. She has stated it would be hard to do this with an absent partner. Presumably even if OP's wife worked she would still be 100% responsible for nursery/school runs, sick days etc. I think it is actually easier to be a single parent than to parent like this.

I was there too, people think of sleep deprivation as just tiredness but constant chronic sleep deprivation, where 3/4 broken hours is a good night and even that is frequently disrupted, is torture. It ruins your mental health, puts you in constant survival mode and makes life unlivable. I had 6 months of counselling once the children's hospital and neurology accepted how bad our situation was and started medicating for seizures and sleep disorder and I almost had a breakdown trying to come out of what had been 5 years of survival mode. It's indescribable unless you've been through it

Yes unless he is going to be doing 50% suddenly a job would only make things even worse.

He started this thread

In the thread he didn't ask what they could change as a family

He didn't reflect on their situation

He didn't question in any way how or whether he could contribute to a solution.

He stated she's angry, he's worried yet he's gone away on business and left her, thinking his child is home being abused.

No shouting at a baby is never ok, I never shouted at my non sleeping children, she does probably need some help with her mental health.

My problem is with him starting this thread complaining about her parenting when if he's genuinely worried his child was being abused and considered himself 50% responsible for the child he wouldn't be away for work.

If my husband was in danger of abusing our children I wouldn't go away on a work trip and leave the children with him. I'd have to be insane to do so.

Imagine if a woman started this thread, people would be aghast shed left her baby with him. Rightly so. People should be aghast he's left his child with a wife he states is abusive

I totally agree. If my DH was a SAHD and I believed in a MH crisis or I believed my DC were at risk I would be taking time off from work to support them if necessary. Suggesting anger management courses, that would focus on getting enough rest, makong sure support was in place and avoiding triggers are inappropriate in this situation.

The thing is, many people do survive that. I had twins and for the first year, the longest sleep I had was 5 hours - just one night only. The remainder, they each woke up two or three times and I did it all as my husband was working 12-hour shifts, but as I wasn't working, I could nap in the day when they napped. You find ways around it. There is just no excuse to lose control and scream at your toddler for not sleeping.

If you are genuinely concerned why are you posting here instead of going home. Frankly she sounds exhausted and overwhelmed and you calling and disturbing the child, meaning she needs to do it all again but now it's even more difficult because the child has been woken up and upset and yeah she's snapped. Does it make it alright? No but it is understandable. If you was concerned she would hurt him or herself you'd been in the car on the way home straight away after you called someone close to home to check in on her or the police for a welfare check if there is nobody, that tells me you aren't concerned. Text before calling in future.

If she can’t control her temper, then she needs to take action. GP or talking about it.

Babies are hard work - but it shouldn't involve all this.

Man or woman - we all need to just get on with the difficult times. 🤷‍♀️

@Velumental
He's away with work.

And if you were away with work and thought your husband was home abusing your child what would you do? Because I wouldn't be on mumsnet I'd be heading home