For asking for help to deal with this endless grief of growing up neglected

[FOrkgivness]

It seems as though whenever I get a few hours to myself (which is rare with two young children and running a small business) I just feel so sad that I grew up in neglect with parents that don't really love me for me / care about me as a person and who can literally spend months not speaking to me and think that the odd email is sufficient to maintain an adult familial relationship.

My mum was severely neglected and abused by her narcisstic parents and became a narcissist herself, like her brother. My dad has always been her enabler.

My mum was unable to have a close friendship with me / deal with normal life and the work involved with being a mother so wouldn't play with me / wouldn't speak to me after school. I was the only brownie walking home on her own in the dark at 8 etc, there was never enough medication at home for my chronic health condition etc.

My mum has, however, been able to have taken my hard work and moderate success in life as all due to her for some reason and uses my life for bragging rights, constantly telling the wider family what we are doing / where we are going on holiday next / what the children are doing etc without ever picking up the phone to me to have a chat. It's very difficult.

This has obviously resulted in being unable to have a close family relationship with me and me with them. I very often feel alone aside from the family I have created. I find in friendships, I overgive or find it hard to be confident that I will just be loved for myself. I overgive to make people feel loved around me and I have realised this can make people feel pressured etc. I then also of course get disappointed when I find the relationship has become one way and I pull back and often the relationship ends. I look back at so many past friendships and cringe. The friendships were important to me because I didn't have close relationships with my family (my friends usually did have) ... I have had many friendships over the years but they have mainly been transient or of the moment - is this normal?

I have had various stints in therapy over the years, have cried a lot over the years, and yet the nagging sadness of not having 'a family' never quite leaves me.

Is this something that I will always have to live with?
How can let it go? CBT?

Thanks for reading xx

Self compassion is the antidote.

It's not your fault your parents were crap and you don't owe them anything. You have probably tried to make it work with them over and over, but the reality is you have nothing to work with - they are not capable. That says nothing about you or your ability to love and be loved.

If you can learn to speak to yourself as you would a good friend, not a critic, you are half way there. X

Yes this is very true they are not capable, thank you.

I need to become my own best friend :) xx

EMDR will help.

Thank you I will look into this.

Have you tried EMDR?

That is really very sad, OP, no wonder it still weighs on you.

I'm really not an expert on all of this but it seems to me that there are different layers to this which might need addressing in different ways:

• your own feelings of neglect, emotional abandonment and lack of love and care
• forgiveness of your parents and recognition of their own pain
• self-forgiveness for the maladaptive relationship behaviours that you developed
• reconstruction of a new relationship with your family on a new footing
• reconstruction of a healthy and loving relationship with yourself
• on that basis, learning to have healthy and balanced relationships with others

Did you get anything out of the past therapy? Did it move you forward at all?

You might find that other avenues other than therapy may help, either on their own or as a complement to additional therapy (reading, writing, music, therapy animals, dance, art, acting, meditation, bodywork, self-development courses, trauma workshops, journalling, various things that might seem 'woo'...) You need some psychological resolution but also somehow to release those old feelings pent up in your body ... probably both. Sorry not to have something more concrete to suggest.

I’m the same Op, had anger issues as a late teen, then fought to prove her wrong and now my parents are in their late 70s I’m angry again because I want to confront them but it’s not worth it, every mother and father day is ruined because of them and they do the same, my lovely aunt will say she has heard what myself and my daughter are doing, without, them acknowledging me.

I don’t have any advise but you have done well despite them, not because of them, be proud of yourself.

Psychodynamic psychotherapy would help with this - CBT is a more of a "here and now" goal focussed therapy

Thank you for your response 🙏 very kind.

Sorry to dripfeed but my mum is now very old and ill and does not have long left. There really is no chance at resolution. My parents have refused my many offers of help with caring/ being there when my dad (the main carer) goes out and I have accepted this is the quiet end of their lives. I am trying not to feel bitterness or resentment but they haven't been parents and I will not miss them when they go.

Sometimes when I hear my friends with their parents I feel so happy for them but so sad I couldn't experience it myself, even for a day.

I do need to find a way to let go and drop the baggage. I have just ordered some books on Amazon xx

I'm listening to a great audio book called "The Let Them Theory" by Mel Robbins.
I would definitely recommend a read or listen, I think it could help with processing some of the emotions you are feeling. It is tough when you can't let go of the past, I hope you manage to.

Thank you I am so sorry you have been through it too. I hope you can find a way to feel proud of all you have done and how strong you are XX

Ps I find it such a pisstake for my mum to brag about random achievements and my kids it really winds me up I know she is claiming credit for x random achievement!

Yes I have heard of this one I will listen again more closely!

I have definitely got the hang of leaving my parents to it and 'letting them' it is more the sadness and emptiness I feel sometimes on my own and anger and why me feeling that I didn't have a different family. It can really get me down...

Did you post about this before?

I was abused and neglected. I was just relieved to get away from them and I’m no contact, built my own little family. I never look back with regret or think why me, or envy over other families. I focused on making mine as good as possible. I’m no longer that kid. And the utter shame I felt of it at the time. The poor one who got beaten up most nights.

if you find yourself thinking on it, push your mind away, think I’m not thinking of that, force yourself to think of something else.

focus on you, your kids, your partner if you have one. The old days are gone.its done, you’re no longer in that situation. Thinking of it just robs your now, and your future as well as your past.

My parents are dead now. My Dad loved me and I adored him, but he was a difficult person at times. I never loved my Mum, she was cold, hard and judgemental. I never felt safe, I never felt unconditionally loved.

What's helped me is to look at the child I was and love her. She did her absolute best in really difficult conditions.

It probably sounds bonkers to talk about myself in the third person, but I've found that I can be much more compassionate to myself by kind of looking at things almost from the outside. Mistakes I've made - including in adult life - are understandable and I forgive myself.

I've no idea if that makes any sense. I'm so sorry that you have suffered like this.

Thanks for the post. Most of the time I am focusing on my lovely family and business etc and things are good I am happy.

It's the sad quiet times when I'm alone that I want to move on from. I still have some residual anger.

I could never not be there for my children in any way they needed me to. Now I am a mum I understand the role and how much you have to give and how much you want to love and how deeply you want to care. I had none of that. I have never been out for a coffee on my own with my mum. Lunch once on my own in my whole life. I do wish I had had a different family and there is nothing I can do about it.

I like your approach of telling yourself this is now and you are going to put everything into the here and now this is surely a form of CBT, redirecting your own thoughts? Love it thanks.

That's brilliant thanks, very helpful. Do you get emotional when you think of the child you were in the third person who always did their best? That's a really good idea.

One of the therapists I saw recommended I created a fictional mum in my mind to go to in my mind when I needed comfort. I have created a cuddly jolly mum who is always available to go and see - meditate - and have a cup of tea with in her kitchen and she is always happy to see me and we can really talk to each other and she will listen to me. Xx

** meant I can meditate and imagine going to see my fictional mum

So much of your post resonates. I had psychodynamic therapy and it’s brought me great peace. I did a lot of ‘inner child’ work which I admit, I did think was a bit psychobabbly bollocks when it was first explained to me, but it really does work! You need to become your own parent, and parent yourself. You’re not a frightened child anymore, you are strong and capable enough to take care of your own children, and yourself. You don’t need anything from her. You can do it for yourself.

Your mum won’t change. You are wasting your precious energy getting angry about her boasting about your achievements. It’s understandable that you feel like that, but it’s utterly futile. She’s a narcissist and narcissists are gonna narcissist.

You will find peace when you accept that she can’t be the person you want her to be. It’s achievable with a good therapist. Sending you lots of love x

I think a fictional mother is a terrible idea. Better to envisage yourself reaching back to listen to your child self, respond to her needs, walk by her side in the dark on the way home from Brownies. Yes, absolutely it’s sad, OP. My parents likewise couldn’t parent adequately, and, because they were never themselves parented or loved as children, have no idea they’ve failed so badly. I try to see them with compassion, as children who were failed by their own parents. And to be thankful I’m the one breaking the chain of loveless dysfunction.

Really hope it helps, even a little bit. Yes, it is emotional thinking about me as a child, childhoods like that are very lonely aren't they and there's a temptation to cling to others for love and safety. My children and young grandchildren are so loved, it really brings an unloved childhood into focus knowing I didn't have that. But.... I metaphorically put my arms around the child that I was and tell her she deserves so much more and she is loved now.

Your fictional mum sounds wonderful, you deserve her.

It wasn't fair, it wasn't right and it wasn't your fault.

But does it help you to ruminate upon things now? It doesn't.

Does it help you to focus upon whatever they are saying? It doesn't.

Does it help you to be a good parent yourself to be torturing yourself with an imaginary Mum (wtf was that therapist thinking of?) when you end your 'daydream' - probably very much like the ones you would have had as a child - to feel the disparity all over again? I doubt it.

You are right that it's not going to change, there will be no happy ever after ending and you will mourn that when it is finalised. Does it help to focus on it now? I don't think so.

feel so much sympathy for you OP 🌹

I'm sorry OP, I don't know what the answer is, other than somehow reaching acceptance. I've tried various ways to create 'family' over my life and around the age of 50, I just suddenly came to a point where I accepted that family wasn't my lot in life. That's made a huge difference to me and has been very freeing. Sometimes I still feel a family sized hole, but I focus on the family I have created, doing things I enjoy. I'm not really sure how I got there but there is hope of coming to terms with things.

I don't want to focus on the past that's sort of why I started the thread! It is exhausting and gets me nowhere.

It is easy when you are having therapy but when you stop sometimes you feel that void again of having come from a place where you were not wanted. It's a very deep rooted sadness unfortunately and compounded occasionally when I'm feeling sad by seeing how much my children are loved. My children should be loved to bits but shouldn't all children.

I want to leave the pain of my birth family behind. It might be easier when my parents are no longer here I don't know. But I would like to start now to stop carrying the heaviness. I have ordered an emdr book to help understand the process before I look for a practitioner.

Hi op - it resonates - im feeling very sad and alone - neglectful traumatic childhood - ive had a lot of psycotherapy and i have done work in a 12 step pr9gramme - ACA - the neglect leaves a lot of damage -

I can feel resentful to others who appear to "have a family" - i have one sister i dont speak to and my parents are dead. I have a couple of friends but i find its me that reaches out to meet up - ive probably chosen avoidant people and people who have close familes so they are meeting up with them. Its painful - i carry on with life as whats the alternative. I realised i need to join a club or some social network - i like doing things - getting out more is important to me.

Hi OP, I don’t have experience of this, but I also struggle to form lasting friendships.

It sounds as if in some ways your parents are having a power struggle with you. By taking your own life events and relaying them to people before you can, they undermine your own power to tell people (and to strengthen your bonds through sharing).

Denying you the chance to help or care for them falls into the same bucket, I think. If they allowed you to help they would lose some of that power.

You are allowed to feel bitterness and resentment. There is nothing wrong with those emotions and pushing them away doesn’t really help. I would be bitter and resentful in your shoes. Anyone would.

As your mother nears death of course this will all feel more acute. And I know you say you will not miss them, on some level I’m sure you won’t, but again, it’s OK that you do.

It’s OK and normal for a neglected child to grow into an adult who hates to feel their loss, but does so anyway. This final loss, when they cannot ever change their minds, may be the hardest to overcome and it may always linger. Some feelings do. And that’s OK too. You have come so far and can get through this.