For asking for help to deal with this endless grief of growing up neglected

[FOrkgivness]

It seems as though whenever I get a few hours to myself (which is rare with two young children and running a small business) I just feel so sad that I grew up in neglect with parents that don't really love me for me / care about me as a person and who can literally spend months not speaking to me and think that the odd email is sufficient to maintain an adult familial relationship.

My mum was severely neglected and abused by her narcisstic parents and became a narcissist herself, like her brother. My dad has always been her enabler.

My mum was unable to have a close friendship with me / deal with normal life and the work involved with being a mother so wouldn't play with me / wouldn't speak to me after school. I was the only brownie walking home on her own in the dark at 8 etc, there was never enough medication at home for my chronic health condition etc.

My mum has, however, been able to have taken my hard work and moderate success in life as all due to her for some reason and uses my life for bragging rights, constantly telling the wider family what we are doing / where we are going on holiday next / what the children are doing etc without ever picking up the phone to me to have a chat. It's very difficult.

This has obviously resulted in being unable to have a close family relationship with me and me with them. I very often feel alone aside from the family I have created. I find in friendships, I overgive or find it hard to be confident that I will just be loved for myself. I overgive to make people feel loved around me and I have realised this can make people feel pressured etc. I then also of course get disappointed when I find the relationship has become one way and I pull back and often the relationship ends. I look back at so many past friendships and cringe. The friendships were important to me because I didn't have close relationships with my family (my friends usually did have) ... I have had many friendships over the years but they have mainly been transient or of the moment - is this normal?

I have had various stints in therapy over the years, have cried a lot over the years, and yet the nagging sadness of not having 'a family' never quite leaves me.

Is this something that I will always have to live with?
How can let it go? CBT?

Thanks for reading xx

This is the point of my op I suppose. I can have stints of psychotherapy and I do, they help while I am having them and for a while afterwards I feel braver, stronger and distanced from the neglect on a personal level. Then life goes back to normal and I see others have a laugh with their mum or having a deep conversation with their mum or even heck a 'my mums calling i had better take this' and sometimes the crushing pain of not having comes back xx. I wonder if it will always be this way...

I did write a book(!) based on the pain of having an absent mum but it seems to only help temporarily

I can see that you want to try to heal this residual pain from a very difficult childhood. That’s not the way I have chosen to go, and I don’t know if this will help, but thought it was worth mentioning just in case.

I re-framed my ‘unusual’ upbringing and chose to see it as a gift. Without it, I would be far less resilient, far less determined and (I believe) far less successful in my adult life.
I am also a much better parent than I would have been, as it was a mission of mine to do things right for my DC.
I could have been broken. I’ve chosen not to be, but rather to appreciate my alternative view and experience of life.

The woman you are today is ‘because’ of the girl you used to be. And you sound pretty amazing to me. 🩵

Hi OP, i am a psychotherapist who practises CBT.
lots of modalities could help with this.
if your aim would be how to mitigate the impact of this childhood on your current life/relationships then CBT could absolutely help.

difficult childhoods like this often result in a set of rules we live by to act or behave in life; work, relationships, parenthood that are not always helpful. E.g i must not express my needs, i must not celebrate my achievements, if i show emotion i will be criticised etc.

CBT can help you to reflect on your childhood and how it continues to impact you today and make some positive changes to mitigate that impact , if that makes sense. CBT can also help you to manage unhelpful behaviours such as excessive rumination.

other types of psychotherapist such as DIT (dynamic interpersonal therapy) or Interpersonal Psychotherapy (IPT) could potentially help here too.

counselling is less intensive and just gives you the space to progress what has happened.

Just to add, CBT often incorporates principles from acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) and compassion focussed therapy (CFT) that help you to accept what happened and develop more self compassion towards your younger self.

sorry a lot of acronyms I know lol

I appreciate that is true, and any trauma that causes that sort of split is not going to be cured by CBT alone. I just think it, with incorporated ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy) can be used to develop a more loving relationship with ourselves, a less neurotic relationship with others, and to quieten or at very least recognise the source of any vicious internal monologues which are based on parents' behaviour, not our own true selves.

Like PP, being a good parent helped me massively, although I overcompensated and was so doting, so anxious that DC never felt neglected that I was a bit of a helicopter, and realised I was still neglecting myself and putting others' needs first. the toughest part of the journey is to allow yourself equal love, kindness, compassion, support that you offer others. Learn to give to yourself but also learn to ask for support and help if you have been trained to ignore your need for it. Any good therapist might be helpful in that respect They are there for you, and that is a very odd feeling after decades of no one being there for you, not even yourself.

Yeah it hurts. I don’t have that either. I get two phone calls a week but there’s nothing else with it.

Supported a friend through similar. She amazingly reached a place where she accepted her parents for who they had been and are then had a relationship on her terms.

Her attitude is very much not to be defined by her past. She says if she gets sad she spends some reflective time acknowledging the things she does have and meditating

This made me cry. Such a good thing to do but it breaks my heart for you too xx

Thank you that is so lovely sorry to make you cry!! Xx

This is absolutely brilliant and a new way to frame everything... Thank you so much for posting xx

Sorry to hear this it is such a shame xx

This is very useful I am going to research all of these acronyms thank you! Xx

Thank you so so much for posting.

I read your post an hour ago and it is already helping me.

You are right that everything that happened has shaped me into who I am. I am the parent I am because of my childhood.... Etc. This is like gold dust!! I am very grateful to you for these pearls of wisdom.

Did you always choose to have this take on your situation or is this something you have learnt over time?

I do often think like you but then can be swamped by the sadness maybe more at the moment because my mum is dying and there is the final conclusion that nothing can change xx

There are loads of people who don't have ideal families and backgrounds. You can't help the family your born into. Do you think your the only one OP.

Honestly don't dwell so much and live for now. There are no guarantees you will be here tomorrow Who wants to drag themselves done worrying about what family members did and didn't do.if you want to hear of horrible childhoods read about Robert maudsley and Robert Napper Their backgrounds and parenting put them in hospitals like Broadmoor.

Live your life OP. The past is gone.

Very true!

I’m so glad this helped. I wasn’t sure it would - we all approach life differently- but I’m glad I posted even if it only helps you a tiny bit!

To answer your question, I think my mindset shifted to this once I left my teens and was away at university. It’s helped me enormously!

Best of luck. You’ve got this xxx

Bless you, you deserve all the healing and happiness. The fictional mum thing struck a chord as I have imagined this too and haven't been through anywhere near what you have. The way you described it was so moving xx

That’s what I do. Well try to, it might take me a few more decades to get there.

I’m the same. I had my DC as a teenager and I did everything completely different than either of my parents. My DC had the parent I needed and I still need. it breaks your heart in two if you dwell on it.

but it means the little girl I once was who needed a cuddly maternal mummy who asked about their day and cooked yummy teas and would always be there became that person.

from parts of my therapy to cope on the really bad days (I’ve got CPTSD agoraphobia anxiety and depression so the bad days are bad) I’m supposed to be kind to myself and remember the little me. I do that daily she’s inside me getting huge hugs and bedtime stories and tucked in tight with kisses. So she’s safe and warm and loved always now.

Honestly that was kinda scary to read as it felt like it was about myself lol. I feel you completely, I grew up pretty damn similar to this, though my relationship with my mum is better now (with all other family members it's non-existent).

I have also been in and out of therapy and honestly hated being told things like "you have to look inwards", "focus on yourself", because I was always so alone that I didn't want to just be by myself and focus on myself, I was sick of myself. I just did and do crave companionship, in a true, healthy, reciprocated form.

like you, all deep friendships have failed for the reasons you said about yourself. It was quite striking to read someone else saying they have experienced it as well.

Alas, after yet more therapy, I finally understood that I did indeed need to do what I had been rejecting, and actually become friends with and love myself. There's more to it than getting a hobby and telling yourself you're enough. It's like I'm learning, almost for the first time, who I am. What I like, what I don't like, what I enjoy to do, what I hate doing. How much social time I actually want. Learning to say no (not quite there yet). Learning to be a person almost. Ultimately, not seeking external validation to dictate my worth.

I also have 2 children and a small business so understand competely. Those two angels are my world, my heart. Yet I still feel my inner child needs nurturing and finally, instead of seeking external validation for that, I am doing it myself. I think that is the hardest part to overcome and accept. Now I feel like if I were to consider a friendship or relationship, I would be much much more selective about who I would form one with. I would previously be friends with anyone, give them my all and then pull back when feeling neglected when they didn't match my energy. I've learned I'm worth more than that now.

Just to finish with, if you ever want to message me just to chat I'd be really pleased. It was nice to read this, in a way, as I feel like you really understand what growing up that way was like, and how it affects us now later in life. Never met anyone who had been through the same. If you don't want to then thats perfectly okay, too! My inbox is always open lol. I hope you heal ❤️

Bullshit

Nope. Truth.
Put a record on have a good dance or a comedy and enjoy life.
Nothing will come of wishing things were different. You'll just drag yourself down .

Stupid is as stupid does.

Sometimes you should keep your opinion to yourself. Telling a victim to man up when they are asking for help is, at best, tone deaf.