It seems as though whenever I get a few hours to myself (which is rare with two young children and running a small business) I just feel so sad that I grew up in neglect with parents that don't really love me for me / care about me as a person and who can literally spend months not speaking to me and think that the odd email is sufficient to maintain an adult familial relationship.
My mum was severely neglected and abused by her narcisstic parents and became a narcissist herself, like her brother. My dad has always been her enabler.
My mum was unable to have a close friendship with me / deal with normal life and the work involved with being a mother so wouldn't play with me / wouldn't speak to me after school. I was the only brownie walking home on her own in the dark at 8 etc, there was never enough medication at home for my chronic health condition etc.
My mum has, however, been able to have taken my hard work and moderate success in life as all due to her for some reason and uses my life for bragging rights, constantly telling the wider family what we are doing / where we are going on holiday next / what the children are doing etc without ever picking up the phone to me to have a chat. It's very difficult.
This has obviously resulted in being unable to have a close family relationship with me and me with them. I very often feel alone aside from the family I have created. I find in friendships, I overgive or find it hard to be confident that I will just be loved for myself. I overgive to make people feel loved around me and I have realised this can make people feel pressured etc. I then also of course get disappointed when I find the relationship has become one way and I pull back and often the relationship ends. I look back at so many past friendships and cringe. The friendships were important to me because I didn't have close relationships with my family (my friends usually did have) ... I have had many friendships over the years but they have mainly been transient or of the moment - is this normal?
I have had various stints in therapy over the years, have cried a lot over the years, and yet the nagging sadness of not having 'a family' never quite leaves me.
Is this something that I will always have to live with?
How can let it go? CBT?
Thanks for reading xx