For asking for help to deal with this endless grief of growing up neglected

[FOrkgivness]

It seems as though whenever I get a few hours to myself (which is rare with two young children and running a small business) I just feel so sad that I grew up in neglect with parents that don't really love me for me / care about me as a person and who can literally spend months not speaking to me and think that the odd email is sufficient to maintain an adult familial relationship.

My mum was severely neglected and abused by her narcisstic parents and became a narcissist herself, like her brother. My dad has always been her enabler.

My mum was unable to have a close friendship with me / deal with normal life and the work involved with being a mother so wouldn't play with me / wouldn't speak to me after school. I was the only brownie walking home on her own in the dark at 8 etc, there was never enough medication at home for my chronic health condition etc.

My mum has, however, been able to have taken my hard work and moderate success in life as all due to her for some reason and uses my life for bragging rights, constantly telling the wider family what we are doing / where we are going on holiday next / what the children are doing etc without ever picking up the phone to me to have a chat. It's very difficult.

This has obviously resulted in being unable to have a close family relationship with me and me with them. I very often feel alone aside from the family I have created. I find in friendships, I overgive or find it hard to be confident that I will just be loved for myself. I overgive to make people feel loved around me and I have realised this can make people feel pressured etc. I then also of course get disappointed when I find the relationship has become one way and I pull back and often the relationship ends. I look back at so many past friendships and cringe. The friendships were important to me because I didn't have close relationships with my family (my friends usually did have) ... I have had many friendships over the years but they have mainly been transient or of the moment - is this normal?

I have had various stints in therapy over the years, have cried a lot over the years, and yet the nagging sadness of not having 'a family' never quite leaves me.

Is this something that I will always have to live with?
How can let it go? CBT?

Thanks for reading xx

I grew up in a similar situation and when I got older realised how different my relationship was with my parents compared to friends.
i did have therapy where I opened up about it all. But what helped me was firstly an understanding that both my parents grew up in abusive homes (mums was worse) and my dad was abusive to mum when they were young so I know they had a lot of trauma and I figure they were doing what they were capable of. Also I also came to the conclusion that when I was a child my parents had the control could impact on me but as an adult I’m responsible for my life and my choices so I guess I tried to let go of the past and manage what was happening in the present as an adult.
I managed to reach a point of having a
relationship with my parents on my terms (and taking into account their limitations)

I found my peace in becoming a better parent than my own parents - abusive mother and a cold enabler for a father. Once I realised that I am NOTHING like my mother I moved forward into accepting myself as I am.
I do not forgive either of them but I am at peace with my suffering knowing that my children love me for being a good parent and a fully loving parent who is always present for them and that I will love them regardless. That is my peace and in a way my revenge.
My father died quite a long while ago and never accepted my reasons for not seeing my mother (I cut her off over 30 years ago) and in fact thought that I was a 'bad parent' because I rejected the methods I was parented under (fuck knows why?). They divorced when I was a teenager but he still supported her 'rights' to me and her grandchildren so it made for a fractious relationship - I wasn't sorry when he died as horrible as it sounds.
My mother is now a lonely old woman with no friends and few family left watching her second husband dying slowly. My sibling sees her a few times a year and when my niece visited recently, she sat and ignored her because she has a successful career and lives a fab life abroad and mother seemed eaten up with jealousy and angry.

The irony is that mother will outlive me. I have a terminal illness and she will outlive me. I'm not angry or pissed off because I have lived a better life in my 50+ years than she ever has in her 80+ years. I am loved and will be missed when I'm gone....she won't.
I can't say that my journey has been easy or that I took the decision not to care about my parents lightly but self acceptance is one of the keys to shedding the curse, burden and grief of being an abused child @FOrkgivness

As someone else has suggested, IFS (Internal Family Systems) is very helpful in dealing with the critical part(s) that your brain splits into as a result of CPTSD which often happens when neglect has occurred.

https://ifs-institute.com/

The book by Richard Schwartz called No bad parts is also very good.

It's quite a structured approach so I find it works well with Chatgbt if you want to try that to see if it resonates with you.

I think it can be useful to look at the relationship with siblings as well as parents.
When there is too little love, support, affection, guidance, too few boundaries, too little parenting, siblings are forced to fight over what little is available.
Not dissimilar to lion cubs fighting over a carcass!
It might not present in the same way, but the reason is the same.
In my situation being brought up in a dysfunctional family, I took/was assigned/had forced upon me the role of the mascot and my sibling the role of the manipulator. That's how I see it but they might see it differently, I don't know.

I think it's quite often overlooked but Imi Lo is very good on it if anyone is interested.

@MindThePausewould you mind sharing her details please? I’m looking for an ADHD counsellor.

This is a very good article by Imi Lo which helps explain Structural dissociation which is essentially what IFS therapy treats.
eggshelltherapy.com/a-split-in-our-personality/

Hi yes this sounds very familiar!

Well done you for turning intergenerational ship around, it is a massive achievement.

I have started reading one of the books i ordered about letting go, there is a lot in it about living in the moment. Powerful stuff

Thanks everyone for commenting and I'm so sorry so many others have been through this too it is devastating and something to heal from and eventually something to triumph from I hope for all of us. Sending peace to you all xx

Have you ever had specific counselling for people who have experienced childhood abuse / neglect. I spent years in and out of councilling until I found somewhere that did that specific counselling and it made such a huge difference. Its helped me to accept that it was just how it was and it doesnt make me unworthy or unlovable because my mother never loved me. I will say though that her death also brought great closure to me. I was free and she couldnt hurt me anymore

The Power of now really helped me in managing my feelings about growing up either neglect, DA and alcoholism
As others have suggested, re parenting your innner child also really helps. It’s really helped me to love myself and manage the entrenched feelings of shame.
There are no fast answers here op- but when you have the thoughts try not to overly unpack them. Observe them neutrally and move them on. I still get feelings of rage and unfairness and I acknowledge them, then keep it moving
Personally I have never tried therapy and don’t feel it would help me to revisit things.
I have to remind myself often that our parents are responsible for the first 18 years and after that, we are free to choose. What a gift!
I’ve gone very low contact with my family and unfollowed them on socials etc and it feels very empowering.

Be proud of who you are and all you have achieved despite things. While I wouldn’t describe my parents as neglectful, my childhood was not easy due to their own issues (mental health/alcoholism), for which they sought no help and part of which at least is linked to their own childhood experience. I have sometimes felt angry and sad but have come to a place where I can see that they gave us all that they could with the cards they had been dealt. Maybe what will help you is to forgive them for not being what you needed (and deserved) as they too did not get that. All the best x

Thank you:(

I'm not sure I will forgive them but I can start to accept seeing them as not able to parent.

Forgiveness to me would say that many decades ol nastiness and scapegoating and of course childhood neglect was acceptable in the end and it never can be. However I can accept they were just shit parents who did a bad job of it.

I meant thank you :) !!!

But here and now is where we are and alwayscwill be. We can spendvyears dissecting the past but ultimately we live in the present and have to deal with our present emotions in the present. I found CBT very helpful in making me realise that I had sole responsibility for and far more power over my emotions than I realised.

Self compassion, self care, self love, self acceptance are all things that CBT helps with. We can't change neglectful parents. We can't undo the bewilderment and pain we felt as children. We can only learn to take good care of ourselves right now. Not perpetuate a shred of that neglect.

For some people CBT can be helpful but not for everyone and particularly not for people that suffered from trauma or CPTSD

People who suffer CPTSD as a result of neglect can't change the neglect but the neglect is not necessarily the problem
.
The problem is how the mind of a child/baby interpreted the neglect and the way the mind splits to cope with the trauma.

Going back, in therapy , and feeling the pain of the wounded inner child and understanding how and why the different parts were formed in the brain can help to enable those parts to integrate.

Much of your post resonated with me.

It's been a long and I would say painful journey to peace but I think having 30 sessions of EMDR dealt with a lot of the trauma that comes with neglect / abuse

Then weekly integrative therapy with a great therapist who uses IFT, humanistic approaches and is very focused on meaning making and themes has been great - been doing this for 4 years and I think it's actually healed me properly.

Also things like spiritual practices of letting go and compassion, very helpful.

Also daily optimism and belief it will get better and it wasnt my fault. Lots of hypnsis actually on YouTube also very helpful.

For me the final hit is having no contact with anyone triggering. That is the true liberation.

Wishing you all the best.

Be careful with it.

I’ve got CPTSD along with other illnesses partly due to childhood neglect. The things in this book are not appropriate for me with my particular mix of problems due to trauma.

As I’m supposed to deal with the feelings not just go oh just go ahead i don’t care type of thing. I did that for decades had a huge breakdown which i have no idea how I survived tbh as i wasn’t addressing my feelings or needs as everything was stuck inside.

I hope that makes sense x

Sure.

Probably the best way to contact her initially is through Linkedin. Search for Raquel Saucedo, she’s the one with PCC after her name.

I’ve spent my life actively avoiding all “professional” help, counsellors, therapists, the like. So I wasn’t exactly sold on the idea of coaching either. I don’t find it easy to trust people, and while I found many coaches likeable, I didn’t have faith they would be effective. She was amazing at dismantling my shield against outside help and so effective with the work she did with me that I pretty much forget I have ADHD most days.

Thank you.

Going NC with my mother was the best thing I could do for my peace. That probably won't help you if your mother doesn't have long left.

You do need to let it go and really focus on not repeating the cycle with your own kids and not overcompensating and make brand new mistakes.

It sounds like you need professional help to unpack and tackle some of the separate issues that might require separate solutions. There could be some neurodiversity involved in some of these relationships as well that might be helpful to understand and label in addition to the neglect from your mother.

Here's a wonderful book about healing the inner child OP:
https://www.awesomebooks.com/book/9780671701352/recovery-of-your-inner-child-the-highly-acclaimed-method-for-liberating-your-inner-self

I think there's a lot of healing in creativity, whether crafts, music, whatever works for you ❤️
It's a journey but you're not alone. One step at a time xx

That's awful I'm so sorry xxx I hope you are taking care of yourself now?

We are at the v v low contact stage now and it is liberating. I have an emdr book on order so will read that when it comes and see if that could be an option going forwards xx

💐