To let my niece stay when she refuses to see her mum?

[ShadowShapes]

My sister has 2 children, my niece is 20 and my nephew is only 10 months, so a huge age gap. They have different fathers.

My niece is at university and since my sister had the baby, my niece has refused to spend holidays at home, preferring to stay in her uni city with friends. My sister isn’t happy with this but has had to accept it. My niece has told her that she doesn’t want anything to do with her or the baby. She thinks her mum is mad for having another child. My sister and partner have been together for 5 years and he moved in when my niece was 17. My niece got on ok with him but didn’t like him living with them.

My niece planned to stay in her uni city for summer but asked if she can spend the summer with us a couple of weeks ago. I said she could but that she should tell her mum. She did and my sister said we shouldn’t let her stay with us and we will make things worse.

My niece came to us last week and my sister is angry. I said that I am being neutral but that I will speak to my niece about how she’s feeling and try to help them sort out their relationship. My sister thinks I should tell her that she can’t stay with us but I’ve said she will always be welcome here. My niece is such a nice person but she is adamant she wants nothing to do with her mum, her partner or the new baby.

I feel really in the middle but my niece is still really young and I wasn’t going to turn her away. I’ve tried to put myself in my sisters shoes but it’s difficult as I can’t imagine having another child now and how my children would feel about that.

I’m going to let her stay but going forward what would you do? I’ve suggested to my niece that her mum comes for a coffee or to meet for a walk with or without the baby to try to sort things out but my niece isn’t interested. She just seems to be getting on with her life and seems happy without her mum in it. She helps around the house, gets on well with my children who are also home from uni, goes out with friends and is working. It’s like she has just wiped her mum out of her life, They had a good relationship until her mums partner moved in. She says she feels her mum put him first and although her partner is ok, she didn’t like living with another person.

Your niece sounds incredibly spoiled and I feel for your sister, I wouldn't stop her staying though as at least it keeps communication open.

Tbh OP I feel for your sister in this...although your niece is still young, she is an adult and is being very immature to cut her mum out of her life like this, especially since they had a good relationship before. Her mum hasn't done anything wrong.

I don't blame you for taking her in but I can see why your sister is annoyed. It's good that you're encouraging her to talk to her mum, and hopefully with time she will mature a little and see what she's missing out on.

In the meantime I'd continue the encouragement, maybe your sister could drop round and tey to talk to her in person? Since she won't actually agree to meet.

She isn’t at all. When my sister met her partner, she introduced him very quickly to my niece. He was staying over most nights within weeks so almost living there and then properly moved in after about 15 months. My niece would ask to do things with my sister and she always invited her partner along. My niece feels like she put him first and that as soon as she met him, she no longer spent time with just her. I spoke to my sister about it at the time but she told me my niece was fine and it wasn’t my business. I couldn’t say much because what I knew was through my daughter telling me what my niece was telling her. My niece started having more sleepovers with us but my sister said that was just what teens did with their cousins and not to do with her being upset with the new partner living with them.

If your niece didn't stay with you, is there a possibility she would try to patch things up with her mum, if only so she had somewhere to stay?

I feel for the poor girl. Yes she is an adult but she has been well and truly replaced.

I can see why your niece cut her mum off. Your sister is manipulative and trying to isolate the rest of the family from her own daughter because daughter isn't dancing to her tune.

I asked her what she would do if we didn’t let her stay and she said she would stay in her uni city. She is adamant she will never live with her mum again and doesn’t want to speak to her.

I think it's a good thing to give your niece a safe place to stay without her mom's partner around. Her mom picked her partner over her existing child and this is the fallout of that choice, her daughter wants nothing to do with her and her new family.

Her sister, the parent in this situation so the one who should be more mature, is trying to get her daughters aunt to cut her out. I don't have any sympathy for the sister. She is being very cruel.

when I got divorced, my kids were at uni. Neither of them ever went back to the family home which their dad kept. Within a year he was remarried and his new wife was pregnant.

they don’t see it as their home anymore. It’s got a new family and new kids living in it and there’s no emotional space for them (no physical space either!)

one of mine stayed moved out and once he rented in his second year never left and has gone from rented house to rented house.

i feel quite bad about this and have kept him a room in my new house but I’ve had to buy a fair bit away from where they grew up and honestly he doesn’t know anyone where I am. He has loads of friends now in London (where he went to uni).

realistically your niece will not spend time with her mum if you ask her to leave. She’ll just go back to her uni city and get on with her life.

"They had a good relationship until her mums partner moved in."

"My niece would ask to do things with my sister and she always invited her partner along. My niece feels like she put him first and that as soon as she met him, she no longer spent time with just her."

"My niece started having more sleepovers with us but my sister said that was just what teens did with their cousins and not to do with her being upset with the new partner living with them."

I'm Team Niece, to be honest. I've never had much time for women who drop their friends as soon as they have a boyfriend, so I'm not likely to think much of a woman who drops their daughter in the same manner, am I?

Why is your niece so upset about your sister having another baby?
Has your niece told her mum how she feels?
Have you told your sister why your niece is so upset with her?

Of course let her stay. She's an adult, it's up to her who she sees and her mother can't force her to do anything.

She shouldn't have moved her squeeze in with her 17 year old daughter if she didn't want to upset her. Sounds like she loathes him - I wonder why?

There are lots of reasons, she feels her mum wasn’t making time for her but can make time for her partner and a new baby. My sister said she couldn’t afford to help her with university costs but then has money for a new baby. She also thinks the age gap is ridiculous. My sister had ivf to have the new baby and my niece spoke to her about her feelings before she went through with it. I have told my sister a few things but my niece doesn’t want me to say any more so I haven’t.

Your poor niece. She is lucky to have you

Can I ask what your children’s relationship is like with their dad and half siblings now?

Why on earth should your niece have anything to do with your sister? It sounds as though she has healthy boundaries.

Her mum meets a man and basically moves him in to the daughter’s home most nights.

Her mum makes no time for her, won’t do anything 1:1 with her teenage daughter but prioritises the new man instead.

Her mum then moves new man in full time, can’t even wait a year until daughter leaves for uni.

Her mum refuses to assist with uni costs in the basis of no money, but is able to find money to finance IVF.

Basically, your sister is a shit mum and your niece is sensible to go no contact.

So your sister met her partner 5 years ago waited 15 months to move in with him and 5 years to have a child and her adult daughter isn’t speaking to her because she wanted more 1:1 time at 17? I think the niece is being ridiculous and immature, but I definitely think you should keep her for the summer and be a safe place. Some people take longer to grow up. U would say we all need an aunty who will offer shelter in a storm even if it’s of our own making.

Your sister probably wants an on call babysitter.

How old is your sister?

I think that’s exactly how my niece sees it

My sister thinks it’s fine as she waited til my niece was over 16 to move him in and that my niece was starting to live her own life, was out with friends a lot and was planning on leaving for university soon. She didn’t see why it made a difference that her partner tagged along when they did things, My sisters partner apparently paid for all the ivf costs so my sister says not doing that wouldn’t mean she could help with university costs.

My niece told me that she feels like she hasn’t had a mum for years and she has dealt with it, moved on and made a life for herself. She says her mum is only bothered now because she’ll feel embarrassed that she is staying with us, but didn’t have a big problem with her not having much contact when she was staying in her uni city for holidays.

She is 43.

Your sister and your niece need to sit down together and be open and honest with each other.
Your niece is telling you things about her mum that she is unhappy about and asking you not to tell and you are abiding by this, yet at the same time, you say you are being neutral. That isnt being neutral, although I'm not sure it is possible to stay neutral anyway.
I'd be interested to hear yours and your sisters side of things. What kind of person is your sister? Does she generally take responsibility for her choices? How long was it just your niece and her mum for? Does your sister have a habit of being in and out of relationships? What are your thoughts on your sisters relationship? Do you get along with your sister most of the time or has life taken you down different paths? Do you believe your sisters new partner is a good man?

Spoiled?

I’m not sure why you think your sister and her partner needing fertility treatments to have a child is relevant? It’s entirely their business if they want a baby and banging on about how they conceived seems odd.
Do you have a relationship with your new bride or nephew?