To let my niece stay when she refuses to see her mum?

[ShadowShapes]

My sister has 2 children, my niece is 20 and my nephew is only 10 months, so a huge age gap. They have different fathers.

My niece is at university and since my sister had the baby, my niece has refused to spend holidays at home, preferring to stay in her uni city with friends. My sister isn’t happy with this but has had to accept it. My niece has told her that she doesn’t want anything to do with her or the baby. She thinks her mum is mad for having another child. My sister and partner have been together for 5 years and he moved in when my niece was 17. My niece got on ok with him but didn’t like him living with them.

My niece planned to stay in her uni city for summer but asked if she can spend the summer with us a couple of weeks ago. I said she could but that she should tell her mum. She did and my sister said we shouldn’t let her stay with us and we will make things worse.

My niece came to us last week and my sister is angry. I said that I am being neutral but that I will speak to my niece about how she’s feeling and try to help them sort out their relationship. My sister thinks I should tell her that she can’t stay with us but I’ve said she will always be welcome here. My niece is such a nice person but she is adamant she wants nothing to do with her mum, her partner or the new baby.

I feel really in the middle but my niece is still really young and I wasn’t going to turn her away. I’ve tried to put myself in my sisters shoes but it’s difficult as I can’t imagine having another child now and how my children would feel about that.

I’m going to let her stay but going forward what would you do? I’ve suggested to my niece that her mum comes for a coffee or to meet for a walk with or without the baby to try to sort things out but my niece isn’t interested. She just seems to be getting on with her life and seems happy without her mum in it. She helps around the house, gets on well with my children who are also home from uni, goes out with friends and is working. It’s like she has just wiped her mum out of her life, They had a good relationship until her mums partner moved in. She says she feels her mum put him first and although her partner is ok, she didn’t like living with another person.

I don’t want to break my nieces confidence and also don’t want to hurt my sister. I have spoken to my sister in the past and have been told to keep out so I think it’s best if I don’t say too much.

My sister is usually very sensible. Shes a very high achiever and always made good decisions. She split with my nieces dad when my niece was 7 and although she dated, she didn’t introduce anyone to my niece. When she met her partner, she was different. She fell for him very quickly, he’s a bit younger and very confident. I felt she was in awe of him and didn’t really like that. Even after 5 years, my husband and I feel like we don’t really know him. He’s very polite but we feel he deliberately keeps things superficial. I don’t think he is a bad man and my sister seems genuinely happy with him, but he doesn’t seem to want to be part of the family. He is a very good dad to their baby. I have always got on well with my sister but she is definitely more distant from us since meeting her partner. It could just be that she has a partner to confide in now so doesn’t confide in me as much though which is fine. I was shocked when she didn’t listen to my nieces concerns about him moving in and wanting to do things with just my sister as that was very out of character for her.

i dont know what to think really. She is entitled to live her life, but I do think my niece was pushed out.

Tbh. I am team niece. It seems like her mum forced her BF onto her daughter quite quickly even if he didn’t live with them. Her daughter obviously feels pushed out . Seems like mum chose her partner over her daughter and will need to face the consequences. Tbh Im appalled your sister wanted you to abandon your niece and refuse to let her stay. Not a good look Mummy Dearest

I’m not banging on about it. I mentioned it because of how my niece felt about it. My niece was worried about her mums health going through ivf, having a baby at an older age and also felt annoyed that her mum could afford a new baby but not to help her with uni costs.

Bride? I presume typo. I see my sister, her partner and my nephew regularly if that is what you’re asking although I don’t know what will happen now as my sister obviously isn’t happy with my decision to let my niece stay with us.

When I was 17, my mum did something very similar and it was awful. I think you need to be there for your niece, my aunt was for me and it made all the difference.
Your sister needs to respect that you will always be there for your niece. I wouldn’t try forcing anything between them, it won’t be solved by her being forced to play happy families with them. I think it’s your sister that needs to be the one with the olive branch here.

I think you’re doing the right thing letting your niece stay with you, I’d remain neutral, your niece us an adult she will make her own decisions about her mum, I’d stop talking about the situation with your sister and your niece, unless your niece brings it up

Sorry to hear that. Did you get a relationship back with your mum? Did your mum and aunts relationship survive?

Yes, it did improve with time. I moved out for uni instead of staying home as planned to get away from the stress of it. The man she moved in was awful, and it was like her personality changed as a result. In time she saw him for what he was and after that is when she came to her senses really. The sisterly relationship survived - my aunt is very no nonsense, plain speaking and whilst it was strained at the time they still spoke and it’s strong now. We think it was a kind of mid-life crisis as she’d been through losing my dad years before, and beat cancer. It was horrendous at the time though. She needed to make the effort with me though and she did but it took time.

Obviously circumstances are different for your sister and niece but the change in personality, the idea that your niece didn’t need as much one to one time as she was starting to have her own life all seems convenient for your sister’s relationship. It’s also not true, this was probably one of the biggest and most important transition times in your nieces life - leaving school and going to uni - a mum or mother like figure would definitely still be needed!

I have mixed feelings about this one. I think your niece’s anger towards her mother for prioritizing her mother’s partner is valid, but I bristled at, “You’re too old to have a baby and the age gap is ridiculous.” Guess what, kiddo – your mother’s decision to have another baby isn’t subject to committee review, and you look childish as hell for refusing to see your own half-sibling even one time. It comes across like “Wah, wah, I’m a grown woman who’s jealous of a literal infant.”

Should you (OP) let her stay with you? Yeah, sure, go for it. You and your niece are adults and don’t need your sister governing the terms of your relationship.

I’m conflicted a bit on this one.

On the one hand, your sister has every right to live her life. She sounds as if she has been very disciplined about giving your niece a good life and doing all right things (up until new partner). If your sister wanted to have another child she would not have been able to wait until your niece was an adult to do that. I don’t think she should have to forgo having another child to solely focus on a child that has left school, that’s an unrealistic level of sacrifice.

It sounds like she has gone about in a really poor fashion and that has really hurt your niece. Instead of owning it, she’s trying to control the situation by dictating that you can’t see your niece. It sounds as if she needs to hear why your niece is hurting without directing the blame at her - hard I know! Would your niece see her if it was just the two of them?

Without all the info, I do think your niece is being somewhat extreme. Understandable as she is still young. One thing that stood out for me is her sitting her mum down and telling her her feelings about her having IVF. While she is absolutely entitled to her feelings, what did she expect to happen - that your sister would not do it on her request? That would be wholly unreasonable.

I feel your sister has a lot of work to do to understand that she can’t control this, and she needs to accept her actions have deeply hurt your niece.

For your niece, it think it is important to help her see where her expectations aren’t fair or realistic, and where they are, so she can set healthy boundaries. I know it’s popular on Mumsndt, but I think cutting off your sole parent isn’t healthy unless in significant circumstances. Your sister isn’t abusive and if she is able to own her part of the process then I think it would be helpful for your niece to understand that holding boundaries (such as seeing her mum independently of the partner/child) is important, but that it could also be useful to consider whether all of her expectations are realistic. If your sister is generally a good person and has been a good mum, I think it would do more harm than good to completely cut her off at 20 and never look back.

YANBU OP, and neither is the niece. Your sister has basically replaced her and as a pp said, likely just wants a free babysitter, this all sounds very controlling and possibly the tip of the iceberg if your DSis can even think it’s ok to tell you not to let niece stay. Niece shouldn’t feel pushed into talking it through with her mum, that will push her away, she’s holding boundaries and that’s ok. If your DSis posted on here “should I have a baby at my age I have a 19 year old and moved my new bloke in over her head without considering DDs feelings, refused to fund my existing child’s uni, and yet magically had money to bring another child into the world?” she would rightly get pasted. But the “we hate adult DDs” are out in force right now, I think a lot of them are triggered by the DIL thread they’re currently piling onto elsewhere. It’s not ok to use housing to try and force a reconciliation.

In your shoes, I’d absolutely have the niece to stay. I’d play the neutral role for now. Your niece has offloaded how she feels, but she may need reminding occasionally that you’ve your own relationship with your sister, so don’t get drawn into sides. Your sister may see it differently for now, but you’re providing a ballast for your niece, and you want to have a loving relationship with your baby nephew.

Im not a big believer in going NC or cutting family off for life, so if it were my niece, I’d hope she would know there was someone looking out for her. I’d be hoping that in time there would be a thawing, or some sort of new relationship will grow.

Would you consider suggesting therapy to the niece? I don’t think she’s spoiled; I think she’s reacted to the shock change in her small family unit, and she needs time to mature and figure out the whole new dynamic. Give her time, be there for her, but draw a line on her criticising your sister while she is a guest in your home.

Are your parents still alive? Does she have a relationship with them or the wider family like other cousins?

I would bet my bottom dollar that there is more to this, from your niece’s point of view. It’s not about her being spoilt 🙄 It’s about her feeling sidelined and long before the baby came along. Your sister moved in a man that your niece never wanted to live with. This shouldn’t have happened, and your sister could have waited until her daughter had left home.

YANBU and you sound like a brilliant aunt. Well-done for supporting the vulnerable person in all of this.

If you grow up with parents that make bad choices, extended family become a lifeline.

It sounds like your niece has the measure of your sister, I think it’s lovely she can stay with you. You absolutely should prioritise your niece, it sounds like she’s got no one else supporting her and backing her. Your sister’s created this mess, she doesn’t get to call the shots anymore.

This.

YANBU for having your niece to stay.

It’d be U to seek to share your views with or influence DN over what she thinks, feels and does about her mum / your sister.

I agree with this i think.

My ex left me several years ago and I've never introduced any other man to my kids. I'm passed the age where I'd have another/or woukd want to, but if I met someone and did want tgis I know my kids would be horrified, even tho their dad was with someone else straight away.

Your sister introduced no man for about ten years? That's a long time to put your life on hold.

I can see both sides. But how heartbreaking for your sister to be ditched by her own DD after she finally met someone serious after years and yyears.i hope they reconcile one day.

I don’t think she’s spoiled. I admire her for having the confidence to say what a lot of children in blended families don’t have the voice to say. Support her, your sister just needs to learn actions have consequences and while it was her decision to have another child, it’s her daughter’s decision as to how she acts on how that makes her feel.

I'm full on your niece's side. I wouldn't entertain your sister trying to dictate who stays in your house

My niece is such a nice person but she is adamant she wants nothing to do with her mum, her partner or the new baby.

So, not "such a nice person" then.

You're basing that purely on what the OP has said in this thread?

I feel for your niece. She has been pushed out. I think this is about so much more than where she spends a couple of weeks.

You are keeping her in contact with the family/cousins. Those bonds are important. Your sister should recognize what you are doing.

I think the only way to manage this is to say to your sister that, by letting your niece stay with you, you hope to have conversations with her that will lead to a softening of her attitude to her mum. Let sis see it as a positive thing that might lead to a reconnection, whereas nothing will change if niece remains in her uni town.

Agree with this. And it does sound a bit like everyone- including you, OP- got used to your sister being single and don't like the fact that she now spends time with her partner.
I think the way your niece is wording things does indicate she's a bit spoilt, and you don't sound at all neutral tbh.

I’d do the same as you. I don’t think she sounds spoilt. I think your mother having a baby when you’re 19 would be hideous and bring home from uni with a baby around would be horrible.
Is her Dad around ?