AIBU to expect my mum to cancel her gym session to look after my kids?

[Mkxxx]

For context: I (34F) have two boys (3 and 11m). I have help from my mum once a week on a Tuesday. 8am-5pm she’s at my house. All the other days I get no help and no help from my MIL either. I have managed my maternity pretty much on my own with my husband in the office 5 days a week. It has been hard with a baby and a toddler. My son only recently turned 3. Anyway I never bug my mum to come outside of a Tuesday because honestly it’s just hard work and not worth it. However right now I’m very ill. She knows I’ve been unwell too. I don’t ask anyone to help me unless I’m desperate. So I asked my mum last night to come today. She said she can’t come until the afternoon when most the day has gone because she has the gym. I asked if she could miss it this once since I never ask like this and she said no. Now im feeling so much anger because the lack in inflexibility shocks me. If my child had asked me for help I would go! Also she doesn’t work and retired to ‘look after her grandchildren’. So am I wrong for feeling annoyed and upset?

None of us know what the mother's gym session means to her though. I do some exercise because it keeps me out of pain. Maybe this is true of the mother too? It might be more than just exercise, it might be managing something. Or her commitment to her friends counts, so she thought she could honour that then go help her daughter in the afternoon, as she offered. That seems more than fair.

Depends if she’s doing the gym or booked in a class, classes of all descriptions are not run everyday in gyms in the uk.

I seriously hope that GM doesn’t have other hobbies on other days or commitments like meeting friends for coffee, so she can’t just love gym days.

I mean how very dare she have a life outside babysitting in retirement!

Indeed. What this post actually means is she can do what she wants unless one of her children requests her presence then she must immediately rearrange her plans to ensure she is 100% available to look after them and her grandchildren.

God forbid she can only commit to half a day of childcare.

Just as well you were not me. No help and a husband often working away from home or working very late. I learnt to just get on with it. We all survived.

This might have been booked and paid for in advance.
The OP seems to cut her nose off to spite her face by then seeing that help in the afternoon is not enough. I think people have missed the fact her mum said she would help, but not til the afternoon.

If OP is struggling that much then starting up two businesses and returning to work isn't going to help. If sounds like she didn't want to be a mum (there is the excuse she gives of how her mum said she would help lots, so I guess she assumed mum would be there full time for free).

I think her best option is to pay a nanny or get an au pair.

It is a daughter asking her own mother for help because she feels ill and her children are 1 and 3. Nothing unreasonable in that request.

This was my thought as a menopausal woman with chronic illness if I don’t get my two sessions a week my chronic pain worsens and I am not able to bend and get down to the floor. I then spiral into a burn out that can take a considerable length of time to recover from. I have found the perfect spacing to keep myself well and it would need to be life or death for me to sacrifice it as the implications for me can be very severe.
Your my mum may need the gym sessions at specific intervals to keep being able to look after her grandchildren.

My parents and pils looked after our kids every day i worked when they were little and we didn't pay them, they loved having them! Some on here would need a lie down in a darkened room hearing that.

They also helped if I was ill or had hospital appointments on my days off. The cheek of them being normal supportive grandparents! Now the tables have turned a bit, I could not imagine if dm rang asking for help and i said sorry hun got a gym session first see ya later.

Yes and she agreed to help. Nothing unreasonable about saying I'll come over once I've been to the gym.

She’s not being a loving mother is she? I guess you’re feeling very unloved by your mum. If my adult daughter was unwell and her children need to be cared for I’d drop everything. I often did. It’s what mums do.

'if I don’t get my two sessions a week my chronic pain worsens and I am not able to bend and get down to the floor'

Yes exercise is of course necessary and beneficial , no one disputes that. Gyms are very flexible though timing wise and if you have one that is unusual and only opens for 2 hrs a day there are lots of exercises to do at home. Try YouTube maybe, lots of stuff on there.

By the same token you could argue their father is not being a very loving father.

He’s not being a loving father is he? I guess you’re feeling very unloved by your husband. If my wife was unwell and our children need to be cared for I’d drop everything. I often did. It’s what dads do.

What it highlights though is that when Op's mum said she would come over later & the Op didn't want that, no one else was asked.

Why?

I'm sure it was disappointing that she didn't come running when wanted.

But then neither did anyone else.

Op's husband who was there with Op & could see how ill she was obviously thought she could manage until her mum did get there...

Im shocked at the amount of husbands who won't help out ,it's as if their work and activities have to come first.
Having said that I would always help my family in a situation like this,even if it meant annoying work!

Some parents prefer to parent their own children and take responsibility, like normal capable parents. Lots of parents are able to do that, done even shock horror move away and don’t have GPs near by, for work or because they feel it’s best for them and their children.

Maybe you need that darkened room now?

Oh course how dare the DGM attend a gym, when she can isolate herself at home and watch YouTube!

So selfish having a life outside of the house!

👏

@Mkxxx it's horrible when you're ill and have young kids. When mine were small, if I got ill, it was difficult for my (now ex) DH to get the day off. My mum wouldn't have even considered coming over to help and it broke my heart. She never helped out with childcare at all.

I remember once she had come over to visit and my son was about 1. I suddenly started to feel very unwell, had a high temperature and was being sick. My mum told me she was leaving as "she didn't want to catch anything" At the time she was a fit and healthy 60 year old. I had such a high temperature that I was literally delirious and she just walked out leaving me and my son to get on with it. This type of thing happened so many times with my mum. I just couldn't understand it, as anytime she needed help or support I was immediately there for her. She can show care in other ways, but I still can't understand how someone who is supposed to love you can just walk away or not help when you're really struggling.

I understand you're not asking your mum for extra help all the time, just when you're not well. I really don't think that's unreasonable!

She probably thinks if she does this then it’s the thin end of the wedge and you will carry on chipping away at her time because you’re a cheeky f!

Firstly I don’t think you are unreasonable for wanting help when unwell BUT I do think you are unreasonable for expecting so much ‘set’ help when on maternity leave.

I imagine what could be happening here is that your DM is thinking that she has done her ‘bit’ for the week and wants to do no more. It is however unkind for her not to come over but I have no way of knowing what her other life commitments are.

To all the posters going on about paid family help, careful what you wish for. I entered into this kind of arrangement with my DM, and it altered the relationship forever. It can be trick and when it comes to my time as a grandparent, I will help out (but not full time) and will not charge for it.

She's helping her one full day a week. That's pretty much asking for help all the time. Her mother is very generous and offered to come and do extra for the afternoon to help. I'd expect a normal, capable adult to be able to hold the fort for a 2-3 hours till I could get there. Have we really become this helpless? God help the next generation if we are (none who will have capable parents to come help them, it seems).

Im glad your mum helps you with childcare one day per week that must be such a great support with 2 children under 3.
I can understand you feel unsupported if you asked your mum for help when you were ill and she refused due to going to the gym. I can also understand why some may think it entitled to expect your mum to drop her plans to help you with she already does/offers considerable help.
I think this may be a communication issue . Your mum didnt refuse to help she said she couldnt help until the afternoon. It seems she thought you were midly unwell and it wasnt an emergency situation so the afternoon would be ok.
Hope you are feeling better soon.

This thread makes me a bit sad. My mum would 100% help me, and if my kids needed me I'd do the same. The "village" is well and truly dead if we aren't even supposed to ask our own parents for help

Why are you sad? She agreed to come and help for the afternoon. Her mum also helps look after multiple grandchildren on multiple days each week. How much more of a village does she need to be.

But the mum does help, every Tuesday! Do you really think that your DM should drop everything and not have a bit of her own life? She offered the afternoon? Maybe the DH could’ve covered the morning?