AIBU to expect my mum to cancel her gym session to look after my kids?

[Mkxxx]

For context: I (34F) have two boys (3 and 11m). I have help from my mum once a week on a Tuesday. 8am-5pm she’s at my house. All the other days I get no help and no help from my MIL either. I have managed my maternity pretty much on my own with my husband in the office 5 days a week. It has been hard with a baby and a toddler. My son only recently turned 3. Anyway I never bug my mum to come outside of a Tuesday because honestly it’s just hard work and not worth it. However right now I’m very ill. She knows I’ve been unwell too. I don’t ask anyone to help me unless I’m desperate. So I asked my mum last night to come today. She said she can’t come until the afternoon when most the day has gone because she has the gym. I asked if she could miss it this once since I never ask like this and she said no. Now im feeling so much anger because the lack in inflexibility shocks me. If my child had asked me for help I would go! Also she doesn’t work and retired to ‘look after her grandchildren’. So am I wrong for feeling annoyed and upset?

Goos-fra-ba, RooRooBear.

Op, sorry that you are struggling but I do agree with pp’s that you are angry at the wrong person. Your husband, the children’s father, should be stepping up. It doesn’t matter what his job is, it is also his job to co parent with you. Maybe your mum also feels like this, the responsibility is with him not your mum.
It sounds like you have a lovely relationship with your mum, don’t let this tarnish it.
For what it’s worth, I have 4 children, was widowed when 3 of them were under the age of 6 and had next to no family help. It can be very tough especially when you are unwell, hope you feel better soon.

My partner would drop everything for me. But the times when he really couldn't? Yeah my mum didnt tell me to go deal with it

You cant imagine a single scenario where the dad couldn't help that time? Luckily my mum could and isnt the averagemumsnetter..

You need to stop making excuses for your husband, and your husband needs to stop setting such a misogynistic example in the work place and lead by example. The law is on his side and if he, as a senior manager, doesnt challenge the culture, what hope do the junior staff have?

OP some of the replies on here are horrible. I am a grandmother and work full time but I would do anything to help my daughter with my grandchildren if she was ill. I have used my annual leave for that before now.

I'm baffled as to what you need so much 'help' for, that you had to point it out so very clearly in your OP that you parent your own kids 6 days a week with no help. I mean... isn't that what parents do?
I think your expectations are off. You should be parenting without external help most days, especially seeing you are on mat leave (your side hustles are a choice, if you're too overwhelmed, you could let them slide for a bit).

In saying all that though, if you are really too unwell to parent, and your mum's gym session was just a standard gym session (ie not an injury rehab or similar), then yeah I think it's a little rough that she can't cancel just one day. Or if it's in the afternoon, why couldn't she come in the morning? Personally I would want to be there to help my daughter.

Your mother is older and likely to catch your illness. Do all of you have flu vaccinations etc?
Don't ask her to come over: ask your DP to take a couple of days off work.

Very commendable, maybe her DH could use his?

Neither did OPs, she was willing to come in the afternoon

Your mother is already very generous with her time. By way of suggestion, I used to cope with a number of kids when I was sick by just having a quiet day at home, resting on the couch while I could still interact with them, watch TV with them, do the bare minimum - like feed them. If I was genuinely sick enough, my DH took off work. If he couldn't, or was overseas with work, I just dealt with it and got through. It's nice if your mother can come and help extra but her commitments to other people and activities count too. I'm sure she'd have cancelled it for a true emergency.

Sorry OP. I got lots of help from my mum as I was struggling with CFS. She's a saint. Also, I come from an Eastern European family and they are close knit and help each other out at times like this....that's what family is for. I find the UK approach rather cold. I would be there for my kids like a shot.

Without more context I don't now how you can be so sure and so judgemental.

I find it weird too. Yes the husband should look after his family but that’s my child I would never see her struggle. I would never want to see any of my children struggle. I can’t imagine saying to my daughter that’s your husbands job if he’s not doing it then you’re on your own, I’m thinking about myself

She didn't say any of that though. She said she would come in the afternoon to help. What's the point of making up a narrative that didn't happen?

Wow I can’t believe the comments you are getting OP- I am so glad I come from a family where everyone wanted to help out whenever they could. My in-laws loved looking after my DD who is now 18 and did so much childcare and support, voluntarily, because they love us and my DD. They now do the same for my niece and nephew. And they have the best relationship with all their grandchildren who adore them.
My sister in law also used to help before she had her own kids and my DD and her are so close. We help her out too when she needs and my DD will also help with her cousins when she’s free. We are a very close family.
My own parents are no longer around and weren’t in the best of health but loved spending time with my DD and would do anything to help that they could.

I cannot imagine for one minute my DD when she has kids asking for help because she’s ill and I turn round and say no, I am going to the gym.

I am usually always of the opinion that parents should work out childcare between themselves - BUT some comments on this thread are awful.

You are shaming a mother for needing a little extra help.

Yet the very same people react with “if only she had asked for help” when they read a tragic mother/children news story. 😒

OP has already explained her DH is unable to do that. GM doesn't work she can go to the gym anytime

Wow, a mum who comes to help with kids every week, all day on a Tuesday. That's incredible. I wish I had that.

It's a bit entitled to expect her to do more than that. It's fine to ask but she clearly has her own life.

You chose to have children and she's already helping you loads!

Not on a Tuesday as she looks after OPs children and not on the other day when she looks after other grandchildren.

Bo explanation other than DHs employers are difficult? Not really an explanation? DH needs to address that difficulty as being a parent is also difficult!

Your husband is the one who sjoukd be taking time off to look after his children and wife!! VERY entitled to be mad at your poor mum! She raised her children and now deserves her retirement but instead you have her spending 36 hours a month at least looking after YOUR kids!!!

Op please ignore all the crazy comments on here. Of course yanbu. In the times your husband can't help and your ill of course your mum should cancel a gym session to help. She is still your mum and it's a one off. Unless, the husband never helps. That would be an issue!

I have managed my maternity pretty much on my own with my husband in the office 5 days a week. It has been hard with a baby and a toddler.

you're a grown adult who chose to bring 2 children into the world, what do you want, a medal?

It doesn't sound like her husband ever helps his job is so important they ignore the law.

It's interesting that all those saying ignore the comments in support of her mum seem to have ignored the fact she never said she wouldn't come and help.

She could go to the gym on one of her other spare 4 days then they are open 7 days a week if in UK