To feel really embarrassed by the damage I’ve done to my body?

[pleasedontreinme]

I’m in my late 20s and I’ve spent the majority of my adult life morbidly obese. I was 26 stone by age 24.

Over the last two years I’ve lost 10 and a half stone. I’m now 15 and a half stone, I know I need to lose at least three stone more but I’ve hit a point where I feel confident and happy.

Since last year I’ve had bilateral knee pain which was presenting as bilateral torn menisci.

I have had scans, xrays and a consultation and I’ve been told it’s just “wear and tear” related to my weight.

I feel so embarrassed. The consultant said there’s no actual damage in terms of cartilage and the structures of my knee, but that it can’t be undone. The only thing I can do is continue to lose weight and try to mitigate future damages.

I want to cry. I can’t believe I’ve done this to myself. I’m 27 and I’ve given myself a condition usually seen in grandmothers. I just feel so ashamed.

I don't think you're being unreasonable to feel ashamed - I think that's a reflection of you having taken responsibility for yourself and realising that (on the face of it) the damage was unnecessary. It's a horrible feeling.

The reality is so much more complex than that, though. Most people don't choose to be overweight and there are so many factors which come into play and cause it - what your genetics are, how you were brought up, whether your parents helped teach you about food / cooking / a balanced diet, whether your parents demonstrated a healthy relationship with food, have you had the funds to buy good food, have you ever been into sports / exercise, would you even know where to begin? The list goes on. And that's without considering any mental health issues, eating disorders or life events that may have had an impact. Plus, you were a child. You (and we) can only place so much expectation on a child.

I understand the feelings you're having because I have them, too. I was in excellent shape until my mid-20s... I had a fabulous upbringing, I had money to afford a good diet, I was very sporty from the age of 3... I had no excuses or reasons for not being healthy... And, yet, I gained 5 stone over the course of 10 years which saw my BMI go from 22 to 35 - 8 stone to 13 stone - a healthy weight to morbidly obese (I'm very short, in case you're wondering).

Life has changed for me and I'm now able to focus properly on myself. I've made sustainable changes to my lifestyle and the weight is coming off, slowly. I'm about to hit the first stone lost marker. But I can already see and feel the damage...

My knees are absolutely shot and I need surgery on them both, my boobs now sag (when they were once pert), my tummy hangs and I'm worried about how loose my skin will be when all the weight has gone. I've been asking myself the same questions as you... Why did I do this to myself?!

But, do you know what, those questions aren't helpful. Thankfully, as humans, we are able to grow and learn and improve ourselves throughout our lives. We won't always get it right but, when we do, we should celebrate that, and learn / be motivated by the positives rather than chain ourselves down with our mistakes of the past.

What you have achieved is nothing short of incredible and, while, yes, there will be some scars that live with you, there is so much good that you've done that's invisible. Just think about how many years you've added onto your life and the quality of it, which will be so much better. And you've not even finished your journey, yet!

On a practical level, if you're able to get yourself into some strengthening exercises (for example, pilates) and walking, I expect you will see a huge reduction in the pain in your knees. I certainly did, when I took that approach (and that's with huge areas of completely worn down cartilage in both knees). I honestly couldn't walk, they were so bad, but I pushed through until I could comfortably walk 7 miles per day and they felt sooooo much better. I also lost 2 stone while doing it (unfortunately, it went back on at a later date) which will have helped, too.

Please, please don't beat yourself up. You really need to be proud of yourself and celebrate your success. The past is the past - you can't change that - but you can change the future. You absolutely haven't ruined it - you have so much going for you and to live for. Be happy. Enjoy life. Make the most of it.

I’m 62 , had a knee replacement 18 months ago and lost almost 5 stone . Saggy skin , knee still not great but loads better than it was. I’ve also stopped drinking and eating as much and try to catch up on the life I could have had being so much healthier earlier on . My body takes ages to recover from anything .
All I can say is well done for losing all that weight. Regrets , re setting your brain and getting on with your life going forward is something you’ve never had to experience so of course you are going to be questioning and having doubts .
Your body is still young, a lot can still be repaired , nature will help . Muscles can be made strong around your knee , meniscus damage can be repaired . Obesity will cause a lot of ill health in later life so you have saved yourself a lot of future problems. Concentrate on getting as fit and healthy as you can, enjoy life and get used to being a new you ! Well done !

Lots of people who are not overweight also have knee replacements eventually. Try not to worry you are nowhere near 60. You’ve done fantastically well, keep it and enjoy your life and don’t worry about 30 years away x

My dad has had two knee replacements, in his case it was because he spent his 40s and 50s walking up and down mountains. He's one of those eat to live/ food is fuel types of people who's never been overweight. One of the minority who are impervious to the toxic food environment; ie 'edible food like substances' which are highly engineered to make them as addictive and compelling as possible. Well done for losing the weight that you have lost ✊🏻😁

You're not a failure at all, how can you say that? You've done amazingly to lose all that weight.
Forgive yourself, that's all you can do. You can't change the past. You were doing the best you could at the time. No-one's perfect. Be as kind to yourself as you would be to a good friend. What would you say to a friend who is saying what you're saying right now?
Have you got a counsellor to talk through how you feel? You deserve to feel good about yourself.

Don't beat yourself up OP. I'm slim and done sport all my life. My knees are knackered and will probably need replacing in the next few years. So don't listen to the medics is my advice.

OMG, you have lost SO much weight, you ought to be immensely proud of yourself. It is really tough and horrible dieting, and you have stuck with it and done so well. Better than me - I can never stick more than 2 weeks at a diet, I wish I had your willpower! You are on the road to much better health already. And there are lots of things you can do to continue to improve your health - in a year from now you will no doubt be even further along that road. You deserve congratulations, not all this self hatred. Honestly, you have achieved something amazing already.

We all feel like failures at some time because we literally want to be the best we can be and you are worried that you have given yourself a lasting impediment to the happy and active life you want.
Try to remember that weight gain usually starts young so perhaps it could be because your parents could only afford the cheapest food with the least nutrition.
Not deliberately trying to undermine you, but probably to make sure that there was enough food in the house for everyone.
Its far too easy to feel demoralised because most people have expectations that are way too high.
If you get to 60 yrs needing only an op on the knees then you have done really well.
For myself I always thought I was ok only to discover that I had a lasting disability that could only get worse.
Are you certain that you dont have a genetic predisposition to weakened ligaments and cartilage because some people do?
Perhaps you could seek a second opinion because it seems the doctor left you blaming yourself when he/she should have been congratulating you on your amazing weight loss journey.
Being fit and everything that goes with it is important but many people live their lives with disabilities that cant be changed, merely managed.
Even atheletes have problems.
Life is so damned unpredictable .
But you deserve a medal for the weight loss.
If you find any hidden disabilities you have to adjust your mindset in order to be able to move forward but it can be difficult at times, especially when life is less than perfect.
Thats when you need to take a step back and remember that we are all on this earth for a purpose.
Perfection isnt a purpose because this life cannot offer perfection. It is just a pathway into our futures and we face many predicaments on the way.
You have no need to blame yourself for this at all so drop the blame and carry on regardless.

Why are you being so nasty to yourself? You should be proud you've made changes. Can physio help?

I've clicked "You have been unreasonable" but that sounds negative. Actually what I mean is you have been incredible to lose all that weight! Please do not dwell on what has been because you cannot change that, but look forward to a healthier future. You are still young so I will give you advice that I would have given myself at that age, namely, take care of your health, make it a priority from now on. I am in my 60's now and my weight issues have caught up with me . I do not beat myself up about it though, it is what it is. I am working on changing my mindset now so I can develop a more healthy relationship with food, its abundance and my binge issues. I wish you the best of luck keeping off that 10 stone and keeping an close eye on that knee.

Holy moly, you should feel seriously proud of yourself. You’ve made huge changes and you feel so much better about yourself. You have nothing to feel embarrassed or ashamed about. What you’ve done takes guts and determination, hold onto the good feelings that come from that.

I have an uncle on his second set of new knees, and a brother in law who had his hip done in his 40s…both because of football.

Keep going to a healthy weight, get the new knee and be good as new.

My guess is there are reasons that you gained the weight in the first place which you had very little control over.

You’ve done so well to lose the weight and you should feel proud of yourself.

My knees were completely buggered a few years ago, to the point I was begging my orthopaedic surgeon for a knee replacement, the pain was so bad. He wouldn’t do it as he said I was too young. Anyway, I started seeing a personal trainer 18 months ago and I have zero pain now. I’ve built up a muscular structure to support the knees and it has made such a difference. My trainer was excellent and worked slowly with me as I couldn’t have gone straight into heavy weights.

oh, and well done on the weight loss. That is brilliant. Keep going

You are far from a failure. You have achieved so so much.

Not a failure. At ALL. Yep is horrible to realise you did it to yourself...but we all (or a lot of us) have vices, bad habits and do stuff that wrecks our bodies.
I'm slim...but smoked , drank too much and got way too sunburned too often....lots of self inflicted damage. You've done the big change and that's amazing. Keep going just a little longer and it will help your knees. As others have pointed out... knees are a bugger and damage easily...exercise, weight, genetics. My back and hip is damaged from years at my job!

We are conditioned to hate our bodies, but the mental self flagellation is so destructive and just not worth it. You have a new start as the new you. Keep on with the change..every pound off helps your knees. Make a plan for the loose skin even if it means saving every penny for surgery. Please be proud of what you've achieved.

Lots of people need joint replacements in their 60s. It’s not all weight related.

You should be quietly happy about your amazing achievement of losing so much weight.

Look up the kneesovertoes guy on YouTube. He's a qualified physio who specialises in knee repair and he puts up lots of great videos that will help you put a routine together for your knees. I'm twenty years older than you and had pretty bad knee pain at forty that's not only long gone now, but I'm capable of high level explosive strength movements on what was my bad knee, and I'm working towards a flying sit spin, which is a figure skating jump into a spinning pistol squat. (I don't know if I'll ever master that movement, but it'll be my lack of ability, not my lack of knee health that prevents it, if I don't.)

I'd also recommend supplementing with hylauronic acid supplements and collagen. Even when I don't exercise my knees, I feel great on those.