How could I be a supportive relative to a mother who’s daughter is anorexic?

[GL0WWORM]

The mother seems to have completely gone into herself and not communicating much with family. Her daughter seems to have quickly gone from normal sort of teenager to being admitted to a specialist unit for teenagers with this problem. That’s when she told us about it. This was months ago and still very little communication. Ignoring or not replying to messages for ages. I’d like to be supportive and I’m worried about the mother. Anyone have experience?

Write her a letter not a message
say no pressure to respond but you are there for her in any capacity she wants
send your love and say that you are willing them both on

A letter. That’s a nice idea. I don’t want to be putting more pressure on her so that seems ok. How do I get more info about what’s happening without being burdensome?

I have read awful statistics about this illness and how dangerous it is

Just keep checking in and being available. Make practical suggestions of things like would she like to go for coffee at x time or go to cinema y evening. Things she doesn't have to think about.

A nice card with a note inside. Explain you need no acknowledgment from her but you are there if she needs you

My experience of this is check in frequently but don’t expect a response. It’s becomes all about the mother and child and feels like very selfish behaviour. It’s hard to leave the child to head out for a coffee or a walk, so suggest visiting with a take out coffee for a chat. Be on hand to help with anything that needs doing. Hang on in there as it’s a long journey.

You don't.

It's her daughter's private business and as much as you obviously care very much, you have no right to this information.

You don’t, it’s none of your business unless the daughter wants to share or mum tells you because she needs support. The thing with anorexia is it becomes all consuming for the parent. If the child is being cared for at home your days are spent preparing food, trying to get the child to eat the food, clearing up after food and then on to the next round of food. Trying to work out what they might eat, getting calories as high as possible with a child who can smell calories at 100 paces, all while trying to manage every other aspect of health and wellbeing. My DC has had many varied health difficulties but it was the eating disorder that nearly broke me.

If you genuinely want to offer support, just be there at the end of the phone if she needs you, recognise that she has bigger fish to fry than keeping you informed and accept she may just not have capacity for anything extra, even if that “extra” is a treat, or something supportive.

Well she is in a specialist unit so her daughter is not home with her and she is not going to be home for a while but nobody knows how long

Presumably the mother and the daughter and the health care professionals don’t know either. It’s not the kind of illness that sticks to a timeline…

If she’s in a specialist unit she will very very unwell, and her mums day will be caught up in visiting, various meetings etc. She may also just need the time and space at home after a very worrying time with her daughter. She may have no capacity to see people or socialise no matter how lovely the friend or how good the relationship. If she does see you, be led by her, please don’t ask lots of questions about her daughter, because it’s her daughters private health information and you honestly get tired fielding questions from the most well meaning if people.

Eating disorders also can feel very shameful for the parent - like you can’t do the most basic parenting task of feeding your child. It’s nonsense of course but that doesn’t stop the feelings.

Thank you. This is helpful. Daughter is not at home currently. I just worry that mother is struggling but maybe she is just caught up with appointments and she is working and visiting daughter. I have messages to say I’m here not just asking what’s happening

How do you get more info??

You don’t. She will tell you what she wants to tell you

Yes I think we are worried in case she is thinking we are judging her too but we are not of course she is a wonderful mum and was always fun and chatted to us. Just worried about both of them

Right ok. People ask us and we don’t know what to tell them but that’s fine I guess

I don’t have experience of inpatient, but when my daughter was going through the worst 6 months of anorexia I became incredibly antisocial. How close are you to the mother? Do you live near by? If you weren’t that close before, she may not have any capacity to be pleasant to anyone she isn’t very comfortable with (even if her child isn’t living at home at the moment). I received most support from people who lived near by and my lovely colleagues. People who I saw day to day and just treated me as before but were very understanding if I was having a bad day.

Replying to your messages will take effort. Do your messages always ask about the daughter? I would have found that exhausting as there is often nothing to say. I always prefer people to talk about anything but anorexia.

Good!

Because it's none of their business either.

What you tell them is that you've not heard much back from them.

My dd had anorexia, we didn't tell a lot of the family. We didn't want people getting involved and causing more stress. This is different as once the child is in hospital it would become impossible to keep it hidden. It becomes all consuming and you are literally always talking about food and can be hours getting a child to eat a single bit of food. Your relative probably does not want to talk about it at this time. It's really hard especially when people make silly comments like have you tried this, have you tried that like it's that easy. In the end you think that you don't want to talk about this with people that don't understand it. As pp have said just say here if you need me and leave it at that.

I was in the position not so long ago . My friend was going through all kinds of hell with her child.

i just checked in regularly , not expecting a reply and just said I hope everything was ok , and if she need a chat or anything just to call, my phone would be on day or night . When she was able to cope she responded .

I think if people are asking just explain it’s complicated and it’s not your story to tell, yes it’s very worrying but she’s in the right place. I know it can feel hard when folk are worried, but there’s really nothing you can say that will change that.

One thing that did help me was my sister organising easy food for the rest of the family - it took a practical load off my mind when every waking minute was spent trying to deal with my daughter. She organised a meal delivery service so I didn’t need to think about it, if her daughter is away from home that might be helpful for her own use.

Why on earth do you need to respond to nosey parkers asking. You seem more worried about letting them down than your ill relative. You're focused on when you'll be told stuff not on them.

I've not been in precisely this position but my daughter has had an eating disorder. If you have not been desperately close to the mother for any reason then I wouldn't necessarily expect her to want to share anything with you. Don't expect anything.

.All I would have wanted was the briefest of messages to say that you're thinking of her and daughter and wishing them all the best. If she is up for more, I'm sure she will reply.

What? It’s nobody else’s business and you shouldn’t be offering up third hand information.

I have messages to say I’m here not just asking what’s happening

You really shouldn't be asking what's happening at all.

'I'm here' is more than enough.

The questions are probably the reason she ignores messages.

And even if you did know.. you would not share with others.