How could I be a supportive relative to a mother who’s daughter is anorexic?

[GL0WWORM]

The mother seems to have completely gone into herself and not communicating much with family. Her daughter seems to have quickly gone from normal sort of teenager to being admitted to a specialist unit for teenagers with this problem. That’s when she told us about it. This was months ago and still very little communication. Ignoring or not replying to messages for ages. I’d like to be supportive and I’m worried about the mother. Anyone have experience?

How is your dd now?

It sounds like she might, which is possibly a reason why some of her messages are ignored.

"Hi relative. I've been thinking of you, and I'm guessing that life is pretty tough at the moment. If you have space in your diary and your mind, I'm shopping in (town) on Friday if you'd like to meet for coffee. Failing that you can let me know any other time you're free for a chat, whether it's to unload or to talk about anything but life's stresses. I'm here"

yes

it does sound like the op has been mining for information to pass on to others.

OP… write the card. DO NOT ASK FOR INFO

And leave it

I am the mum in a similar situation a few years down the road. In my experience I really appreciated people who tried to understand, and actually those who just offered support. I say 'tried to understand' reservedly, because a lot of people think they know something about eating disorders, but in reality unless it's been in your family you really don't. If you're wanting more details to pass on to others then I'd abandon that idea really - for me it was too hard to explain just how awful life was, even when I tried people would do their usual of downplaying things - people do this because its easier for them. "she's looking so much better, you're doing a good job" means worse than nothing when actually you've spent two hours that day in a screaming match where your child says the most hurtful things they can think of to try and make you back away from helping them eat.

Please don't use things you've heard as questions or talking points. 'I've heard it's all about control', 'it's because of controlling mothers isn't it', 'they all have a bit of an eating disorder at this age' are all things people said to me. I'm baffled by why anyone would think these were ok!!

A few of my friends sent me a card or a bunch of flowers with a message of support, which I really appreciated. The best thing is to keep in touch regularly, offer support, don't expect anything in return. Some people kept their distance from me and I've never really reconnected, I felt quite let down.

One thing you can probably count on is that this is most likely the most awful thing your friend and her daughter have ever gone through. It was for us.

Good because even if the mum confided in you it is not your job or appropriate for you to share any info with anyone else ! If you did that it would be one sure way to find your friend wouldn’t be your friend going forward. It’s a very difficult and sensitive time for your friend and sadly the outcome will be very uncertain. What you can be sure of it is serious as her DD is in a specialist unit and your friend will be caught up in a continuous round of meetings with the professionals while trying to support her DD. It’s exhausting and often the last thing you want to do in that situation is share information/ discuss with others and give constant updates.

as a good friend you just send her a card with a message in acknowledging the awful situation she is in, recognising she will be so worried about her DD and offering a listening ear if ever she wants one and understanding she may not want to speak / meet up at the moment.

Okay thank you. I’m not trying to gossip. Just people are concerned for her and her daughter

This is very helpful thank you. I realise it must be very tough for all of them. I think I will try and take pressure off and say I’m hear if needed. Just wish she knew I’m here for her and all the family care

Here not hear

She may well know, but really isn’t able to engage with other people just now. The very best thing is a simple message letting her know you’re all thinking about her. No questions or helpful suggestions or offers to meet up. If she’s able she’ll know she can get in touch.

I know you’re not trying to gossip, but when you’re in that place of trying to help your child every innocent query can feel very difficult.

I have many years under my belt with a daughter who had Anorexia but is now in recovery. In my experience people have a goulash fascination with the disease and unless you’ve experienced it yourself as a parent you’ll never know or understand what it’s like. You shouldn’t be asking what is happening or discussing it with others,it’s hugely private and distressing knowing others are trying to pry. A thinking of you and we’re here if you need it card is enough.

Not sure why anybody would ever judge a parent in this position.

If you’ve already sent messages I wouldn’t do anything more. I wouldn’t send a card or flowers. If the Mum wants help she already knows you are there.

Even if you did know it would absolutely not be ok to share this info

I have bulimia. To me, no one is supportive but I understand they want to be. It is a horrible addiction. I am so skinny and vomit blood but still do it every day....just love her. It will kill me, but love is still the key.

This is good advice. It’s easy to feel isolated in her situation, so just try to initiate normal activities with her.

Thank you, it sounds awful and I hate that she will be trying to manage it all on her own. How many years has your daughter been ill if you don’t mind me asking?

Im so sorry. Do you have some help?

Keep in touch with her even if she doesn't respond - she very likely reads the messages & appreciate the effort but just doesn't have the capacity to respond. Be honest & say I'm sorry it's so hard I wish there was something I could do to make it easier.

Ask how she is & ask if she wants to meet for a coffee & chat.

Try to keep normal conversation - don't pry into her business & avoid anything that could be triggering eg your own kids health & achievements.

I would like to invite her to graduation of another family member, I’ll invite her anyway but appreciate she might not want to come.
I realise everyone is saying don’t pry etc but I am actually worried she’s not coping and can’t reach out or something. From the comments this life she is experiencing is horrendous, what if she can’t talk to anyone?

I had 3 admissions to specialist eating disorders units in my late teens/early twenties.

I shared very little with my mum - as I was over 16 there was very little that could be shared without my consent.

It's a horrid illness & looking back it was horrific for my mum too. It's very dark & secretive being in the grips of anorexia. All I talked about what calories I had been forced to consume & how I hated my mum for agreeing for me to be sectioned. That I would rather die than gain weight, that I hated her etc

She may well not know how her daughter is thinking or feeling or whether she is improving or not.

I can look back on it now & speak to my mum about it - we call it the dark years - I can see now that the anorexic mind was cruel to my mum too & not just me.

My mum says it was just horrific watching the illness ravage not just my body but my mind & that I lost my personality to the illness

It's a lot to try to comprehend - she probably couldn't articulate it to you even if she wanted to.

The specialist units do a lot of family therapy & support for carers is very important.

The unit staff know the illness well & the unique challenges it brings. They are the best people for her to speak to.

In my experience the ED team are as supportive to the family as they are to the child as the family needs to be engaged with recovery.
It sounds like you want to insert yourself into the situation to get information under the guise of offering support. If you’ve already offered support and she hasn’t reciprocated, leave her alone now.

Her daughter's story is not hers to tell and her story is not yours to tell. Your concern / offers to support are coming across as digging for information to share with others. The need to be ahead of the story curve wrapped up as concern is a little distasteful.

Everyone copes in their own way @GL0WWORM and she might not want to talk to anyone. Just behave as you normally would, invite her to the graduation etc.

Agree with pp that even if she wants to talk, articulating anything can be really difficult.
I have only spoken in detail with one family member, who is an excellent listener and I feel comfortable sharing. My DD adores her too, which is important. I have also had support from medical professionals and colleagues who have experience with eating eating disorders.

You have let your relative know you are here for her. Now you have to leave her alone and don’t take it personally if she doesn’t want to talk.

Would you usually invite her to that kind of thing? In my experience graduations are for the graduates immediate family rather than aunts, uncles etc. I’d find it very hard to celebrate another “child’s” success while mine was struggling so much.

In terms of not being able to speak to someone, I did have a very small circle I could speak to - only one of those was family. I needed the distance and security of very trusted friends. I knew people would ask my family what was going on, I didn’t want them to share anything they shouldn’t, so I just didn’t talk to them. Interestingly enough, there were people who thought they were closer to me than they actually were who were a bit out out that I didn’t use them for support, and assumed that meant I was doing it alone.

You’ve told her you’re there, if she wants you, she’ll let you know.