I haven’t read all the posts, and sorry this is so long. Hopefully it is useful and gives a bit of insight about life with a child battling this illness- of course, this is simply one experience, but lots of it is fairly typical.
When our child was in hospital, things were very frightening and changeable- their condition was very poor and it was touch and go that they would live. They were tube fed and on a drip for a time, and it was so awful to see our child so frail. Anorexia was so isolating and frightening.
I just couldn’t cope with anything other than focusing on the hour/day infront of me.
Well meaning friends would ask if I wanted coffee or a spa etc- but all I wanted was my child to get well and I didn’t have the head space. Anorexia is really intense and it took over our lives trying to get our child well.
It was a long, lonely road - and people don’t really get it. I didn’t either till we had to live through the hell of it.
People made comments all the time- from a good place and out of curiosity- but it was too much for me to manage that and hold everything at home. They were asking why has this happened, isn’t there anything they would really enjoy eating, have you shown them pictures of people with anorexia? Much hand wringing and oh dear they will always have this etc (which is not true). I knew they were doing their best- but it was not helpful. I would encourage you to read about anorexia and have that insight. Beat website, Eva Musby site are both good sources of info.
Even when our child got home we were basically doing hospital at home. They were in a wheelchair for some time to reduce them burning calories. You have to get them to take on far more calories than you’d imagine- we aimed for about 3500 a day. We had to get them to eat 3 meals and 3 snacks and it went on so long it felt like we were at that dining table all day sometimes. There wasn’t actually time to do much else- as it was all centred round the meals.
After eating, our child would have huge guilt after and scream the house down, try to jump out of windows etc. So the routine was eating, guilt/trying to comfort and distract, then back to the table for the next round.
They would do secret exercise and unless one of us slept in their room with them they would be up all night doing sit ups/ burpees. It took over absolutely everything.
I would describe anorexia is like a terrorist that has taken over your child, and now you are just communicating with the terrorist and your child is trapped in there somewhere. Our child had a strong anorexia “voice” which they heard and it was horrible for them. It was scary hearing them shout and talk to the voice- the hold the illness can have on a person makes you think your own child doesn’t exist anymore.
knowing people were thinking about us and the messages without expectation or questions attached were helpful and nice to receive. I also valued just normal stuff people shared as it reminded me that there is normal life to return too hopefully. You sound like you really care and I am sure that will be valued on the hard days.
We only shared key information with close family / very few friends. It was really hard to relay info, then deal with the understandable questions. We were also mindful about respecting our child’s privacy and dignity.
I imagine your friend will be in the eye of the storm right now and clinging on. All you can do is walk alongside. You can’t make anything different or better and I can appreciate how difficult that is when all you want is to show your love and support.
I feel it is important to say that recovery is absolutely possible. Our child is living a full and normal life. It is hard to believe what they have come through.
We have had setbacks and anorexia appeared briefly, but we are always mobilised- ready to do battle with it again.