How could I be a supportive relative to a mother who’s daughter is anorexic?

[GL0WWORM]

The mother seems to have completely gone into herself and not communicating much with family. Her daughter seems to have quickly gone from normal sort of teenager to being admitted to a specialist unit for teenagers with this problem. That’s when she told us about it. This was months ago and still very little communication. Ignoring or not replying to messages for ages. I’d like to be supportive and I’m worried about the mother. Anyone have experience?

If she is getting the same feelings as we are about 'mining' for information for others then I'm not surprised she isn't replying to you. I can see you mean well though.

It's an incredibly difficult thing to go through, you feel so judged by others. I didn't tell that many people so I didn't have to hear all the crap about 'controlling mothers' or dreadful advice. Absolutely do not give any advice, I guarantee you are absolutely clueless, be grateful for that! It's the worst thing I've had to deal with in my life.

I found the people who checked in without expectation were the most helpful. I think offering a specific support could also be good - can I bring you coffee / ready meals/ babysit younger sibling/ dogsit - whatever might be appropriate, but be prepared for no reply.

I hope your relative recovers soon.

This is reassuring

Oh I’m very sorry. What helped you recover from it if you don’t mind my asking?

Ok that makes sense

I am in this position at the moment, DD has been an inpatient for a couple of months.

Everyone is different, but I personally appreciate people reaching out, even if I don't have the capacity to actually meet them, it makes me feel a bit better to know they're thinking about me as it can be very isolating. I would second the people who said don't ask for info about the eating disorder, but do ask how the mum is doing and offering to meet, while making it clear you understand if that's not possible.

She’ll only want to reach out to somebody who has experience of supporting a child through this. Silence doesn’t necessarily mean not coping but probably preservation. You just gets though each day. Social chit chat is the last priority.

Sorry but graduations are for parents, the last thing I would have wanted is to go to somebody else’s child’s graduation celebration.

My daughter was an inpatient for 3 months at a specialist eating disorder unit and it was one of the worst periods of my life. I didn’t really want to talk to anyone, no one understood and I just felt awful all the time. Honestly, as a friend, I would have no expectations of replies to messages etc. Let her know you’re there for her but don’t expect replies or to know what is going on with her daughter. It’s a hugely emotional and stressful time and fielding well meaning enquiries just adds to the stress.

My friend had a daughter in hospital almost dead from anorexia. It was incredibly shocking because my friend had been chronically undereating all her life, and I’d never confronted her on it. So it was fairly terrible to think she might lose her daughter. Fortunately the hospital were amazing and the daughter is now ok but left with PCOS and various mental health problems.
All you can do is give love and be there, even though it’s terrible to witness and terrible for all concerned.

@GL0WWORM thank you for reaching out.

I was a volunteer on the Bodywhys Helpline in Ireland until the end of 2025.
we support parent, children/adults suffering from this illness, friends and families and carers.

we always recommend to give us a call for support and proactive ideas as to how best support the people you love who are suffering either directly or as collateral. Even if you re not in Ireland you can call the number.

please do.

she wont have the bandwidth to respond to you all the time, but knowing that you are there if she needs you is very helpful for them. So please dont take it personally and carry on with messages, letters, offers to take her out for a walk/coffee/ anything. One day she ll take your offer.

in the meantime we always say (amongst other things) it is very important to model how normal life looks like to the person who is suffering.

do give us a call or have a look at our website it is very informative. Www.bodywhys.ie

I have a friend in a similar situation . We meet for walks and sometimes she talks about it, sometimes she doesn’t. When friends ask me about it I never reveal anything at all. It isn’t your place to pass information to others . If people ask, say you don’t know . Just be there for your friend in whatever way she wants you to be .

My daughter was hospitalised with an ED. During the worst times I honestly almost deleted WhatsApp, I personally found messages overwhelming.
You are living in a sort of parallel universe of pain at this time, I was in touch daily with just a few v close family members.

I really appreciated my friend who didn’t text much, but occasionally sent a lovely supportive message with no expectation of a reply.
She’d also randomly send links to interesting articles on politics, say, or shared interests we have, or a pic of a hike she went on. Sometimes I had no capacity to respond but sometimes it was a welcome distraction and we’d have some chat about totally unrelated topics.

If she’s leaving things un read just leave it for a while and periodically check back in but please don’t expect updates.

Ok thank you and I’m sorry it does sound awful

Yes I think maybe she’s overwhelmed but I’ll keep my beak out a bit

Please can you elaborate on the modelling what normal life looks like? And thank you for taking the time to respond

What did all the deleted messages say???

Yes I gathered the graduation was a stupid idea

I don't really know tbh just had to ride it out. The inpatient ward regime was mainly weight gain & medical monitoring. The weight gain may make the person look 'better' but their mind can be In a far worse place as they start feeling things properly that had been dulled by the effects of low weight.

There was then a lot of family based work & support from peers through groups etc.

It felt hopeless & like it would never improve but I think it just took time & determination & courage to remain at a healthier weight to let my mind move on

Details of eating disorders which are against talk guidelines

There is unfortunately a lot of 'competing' and other unhealthy behaviours among people with eating disorders & details like weight, BMI, calories can affect people's recovery.

It is a horrid part of anorexia that the person's personality can be temporarily changed by the anorexia & people who are warm, kind & caring can behave horribly towards themselves, their family & other sufferers. People do recover from that but it's very very hard to watch.

I think the poster who was deleted is in the grips of the illness & playing that out which won't help them & is also very triggering to others struggling

Most teenage girls let alone ones with EDs would like their mothers discussing them with their friends and family. The Mum
may be struggling but it’s the daughter that is the one with the ED

I think you must mean "would not like". This OP seems very keen to be involved in the drama (as she seems to see it) of this. Don't want her to see this as a sign that she'd be doing a good thing after all.

Good grief! Are you actually reading any of the replies you're getting on here? You seem to have disregarded all that people with real experience of this very situation have told you.

She has and realized it was a bad idea & also repeatedly said she will keep her 'beak out' (her own words)
She's trying to help her friend & doesn't know how & unless you've experienced anorexia it must be baffling & frightening to the outside.

No need to attack the OP.