AIBU to expect my dd (17) to get up?

[queenceleste]

If you manage to get yours up - how do you do it?

I know it’s the holidays for her but still….. Whatever parenting I should have done - surely it’s too late?

Never. My eldest virtually went nocturnal during lockdown! He’s 21 now, left home and working many hours a week as a chef, early starts, never turns down overtime etc..

My parents never woke me up as a teen and I’m the same.

Whether you wake them or don’t wake them has no bearing on their future work ethic.

I think to a certain extent it does depend on what your own child would do left to their own devices.

my dd 17 would, get up late, cook her own (healthy) meals, socialise, exercise, work - just a few hours behind the norm. So for me, I don’t need to dictate, she’s making good choices her own way.

it is probably different if you think that if you didn’t get your child up at 10am and make them a decent breakfast and plan stuff to do with them; then they’d fester in their rooms on their phones eating pot noodles.

I don’t understand why any parent would force a near adult to get up at a certain time if they make good decisions once up.

I leave them be. We have special needs kids so no one sleeps the normal 11-7 cycle. We just have the rule of sleep when tired. Doesn’t matter if that is at 3pm.

They just about manage with school hours, but on the holidays they seem to have different circadian rhythms on account of the neurodiversity. If I force a rigid cycle, then they don’t recuperate and are more likely to burn out.

Mmm, I think Joan Crawford would be dragging her out of bed and serving up the same dinner until she ate it.

I leave mine (18&16) to make their own decisions, and on days they have nothing planned, they’ll likely stay in bed until 11/12 or so.
They both have summer jobs and quite busy schedules so it’s easy to let them be on their days off.

However, if they didn’t work all summer and had not much other plans, I think I’d struggle to let them fester in bed after 11:30 every day for 6 weeks..but I’d just try to motivate them to do stuff

No, I woukd not put up this at all. She is taking the piss! Don't understand why you would be going out of your way to give her food. Just go about your daily business, if that means she goes without so be it!

This

summer holidays I leave them to it unless we have to be somewhere.

School time, I've always said that I will not be getting them up - but - if I notice one isn't down by 6:30 then I'll yell/prod them (once. I'm not chasing)

I've managed it by being very clear what I am willing and not willing to do, and sticking to it (and being lucky that my kids are reasonable, and the eldest is an early riser anyway.. although I felt less lucky about that when he was a toddler admittedly)

All the people going on about phones are missing the point that teenagers have been doing this for decades. I regularly failed to surface until mid-afternoon during the holidays at that age and that was long before mobile phones were a thing.

It’s the holidays and she’s almost an adult. Just leave her to it. If she doesn’t want dinner she can feed herself.

Ideally they'd have jobs, but not so easy now for young people to get these. Maybe set her chore list to include earlier things (presuming you give her money for chores if she has no job). If she does have a job and is on top of all you ask her to do, I'd leave her to it-used to annoy me when I'd been working very late and then the rest of the family, who'd been in bed by 11, woke me up early.

I never wake my 14, 16 and 18 year old... why would I? They are on their summer holidays. I would hate to be hauled out of bed for no reason. Teenagers need sleep.

I don’t get my 18yo up. She is knackered after A Levels and a wild post A level holiday. We offered a day out yesterday, she wanted to stay home.

I’ve never understood this MN obsession with getting teens out of bed.

They need their sleep at that age and a teenager’s natural circadian rhythm is set later than an adults. They’ve been forced into god awful early starts all term that are unnatural for them - they will need a bit of time to recharge and recover.

Obviously if we’ve all agreed a plan for the day I’ll wake them up but if there’s nothing specific happening, why do they need to be up?

No need to cook for them at unusual times and they need to clean up after themselves etc but no need for silly “get up by 10” rules. I don’t get up by 10 myself some weekend days esp if I’m on my own.

If my 17 yo has slept til 11 (for example) I normally say well done! Because she’s getting the sleep she needs. She doesn’t stay up til silly times though - I guess that’s the bit I might discourage if my kids were that way inclined. And I make the 12 yo go to bed at a decent time, even if that means my day ends with making a reluctant person do something (never fun), because he would be the one who might stay up too late if permitted (ADHD though).

Ok this is a bit different to what your OP suggested.

But it’s being on her phone all hours that’s the issue, not sleeping per se.

I might set some rules about meals - no making breakfast across you whilst you’re doing dinner, for example. Dinner made for them happens at one time and one time only - otherwise they can make their own and they must tidy up after themselves.

Why do you impose getting up times on people who don’t need to get up? Very odd indeed.

It is
Just turn it round to "'My DH/DW wakes me up & makes me get out of bed early on my days off when we have no plans and no kids"
Everyone on the relationship board would say that the DH/DW are being controlling.

Surely that's referring to people using their phones all night - as in addicts who cannot put them down? Otherwise, it doesn't make any difference having a phone with the screen off lying on your kitchen table or a phone with the screen off lying on your bedside table.

Sales of standalone alarm clocks have been in freefall for years, as huge numbers of people now just set an alarm on their phones instead. Fair enough if all of you are phone addicts, though - you're probably doing a wise thing in that case.

I wouldn’t be pleased if my DH told me I ‘had’ to get up at a specific time on the weekend when I don’t have work or plans, because he’s decided I’m not ‘allowed’ to sleep in for some reason. So I would imagine other adults/almost adults would also find it a bit controlling and frustrating…

Wet flannel 😁

Jeeesus did I love my lie-ins and afternoon naps at that age!!
If I had an early morning, I'd come back from lessons/lectures and go to sleep for a few hours. One way or another, I was going to spend a portion of my day in bed!

How are people at home to wake their teens up. Surely most parents of teens are at work? Mine is 16, post GCSE’s. He is sleeping late, no idea how late as I’m out the house by 7.30 and dh is out by 8. Teen gets up when he wakes up. As long as he gets the things he needs to get done done, I’m not sure it’s any of my business when he gets up. He is job hunting, hopefully will have a part time job soon so will have to be up. He’ll be up at 6 every day when college starts. Nothing wrong with some lie ins over summer.

I never wake them or make them get out of bed unless we are all off out so need to be ready at the same time. Then I just tell them when to be up for but they are all capable cooks and can do a load of laundry. They have all sorts to get up for and have been known to beat me to it in holidays.

I’m not seeing the issue if there’s nothing they need to get up for. Why shouldn’t they stay in bed?

I completely agree. If a family member was regularly staying in bed until the evening - absent illness, working shifts or similar - I think I'd be concerned and want to maybe raise it as a potential health problem with them, to see if they needed help; but growing, hormone-fuelled teenagers sleeping in until late in the morning/noon, in their school holidays... why would you want to disturb them, just so you can harumph about your imagined moral propriety in getting everybody up early?

Even if they are on phones/laptops/other devices in bed all day rather than sleeping, surely they're just choosing somewhere they feel comfier to do it. Why would it be somehow better if they got up and lounged on the sofa on their phone all day?

Some people with professions that allow it do like to base themselves in bed to do whatever they're doing. There are enough people on MN who seem to wear pyjamas every minute of the day whilst they're at home; albeit always waking up in their night PJs before changing into their day PJs! Are they lazy too, or just prioritising their comfort when it makes no difference and nobody else (outside of their family) would ever even know anyway?

Maybe they're 'too lazy' to go out to work, so instead, they prefer to stay unemployed and make berating their teenagers for being lazy into their alternative 'job' instead!