Husband's overtime pay - what's a fair split?

[Debatingthings]

My husband has been working overtime lately. Mostly late evening call outs.

He works 5 days a week and is usually out of the house from 8am-6pm ish. I work 3 days a week and am usually out of the house from 8:30am to 5pm.

I do nursery pick ups and drop offs on those days. I do most of the work getting our toddler ready in the mornings all weekdays. I also look after her on my two days off and do the majority of cleaning, cooking, laundry, food shopping, admin, and DIY in the house. He does garden maintenance.

When he does these call outs, he often misses the bedtime and/or sleeps in late the next day.

I have a professional job but dropped down to 3 days to care for our child, which I love and value, but ultimately have made career and financial sacrifices for this, which he has not had to make.

Our standard take home pay is roughly similar but he does usually bring home some extra money by way of end-of-day overtime each month, so his pay cheque is higher.

These late night call outs are new.

Out money is generally split equally i.e. everything paid into joint account then we have the same amount of personal spends each month.

What is a fair split of this late night call out overtime money? He has suggested 70/30. I don't want to be grabby but I feel he can only earn this extra money because I facilitate it. I sort of feel it should be 50/50, but... AIBU?

YABU = 70/30 or less
YANBU = 50/50

Why isn't it going into the joint account?

It goes into the shared pot? Otherwise charge him for childcare…

Equal leisure time,
equal disposable spends

It’s joint income unless you’re married to someone incredibly selfish. If you’re going to split your income then split the childcare. If not, split up.

Everything into one pot, money into joint savings and the same amount of spending money each after living costs and savings.

That's not very family minded of him. Why does he need do much personal spending money. Joint account surely.

Seems fair 70/30 overnight call-out you’d be in bed for most of it anyway where as he’s still putting a shift in

Surely all of his earnings- wages and overtime pay - goes into the family pot ?
he wouldn’t be able to earn this without you-he’d be paying large costs for unsociable hours childcare/nanny
unless its all going in the holiday fund or your child’s account ?

I am assuming this is 70/30 in your favour to cover childcare and housework? my partner does most of housework, childcare and all nursery stuff when he's not working (he works away) I can only imagine the hell that would break lose if I turned around and said I am doing 3 hours overtime tonight while you look after the kids.

Should obviously be equal.

Or you can get an evening job too and he can split the cost of a babysitter for the evening and morning shit when you both have to sleep in.

This.

Depends on your overall family budget - it’s hard to say without knowing more.

For example if you have debts then maybe it should be 50% to debt repayments and split the rest.

Or maybe put 100% of it towards a family holiday if that’s something you struggle to afford.

He cant do those hours without you so its 5050. Or he pays for alternative childcare like a nanny.

"I have a professional job but dropped down to 3 days to care for our child, which I love and value, but ultimately have made career and financial sacrifices for this, which he has not had to make."

Did you discuss both of you going 4 days instead?

Or was your making all the sacrifices his idea or yours?

On the face of it seeing as you earn the same as him ( except for overtime) working only 3 days his dropping a day would have made more sense financially.

We have no debts other than mortgage, we have lots in joint savings and investments, a small amount each in personal savings/investments

All money goes first into joint account and from there to personal spending accounts each month by SO

We do try to keep our personal spends to a fairly low amount relatively speaking as we do prioritise investing for the future and not spending everything we earn

That said, with the cost of living going up, it would be nice to both feel we have some extra personal spends for once

It will, automatically, it's just a question of what to do with it from there

Yes, financially it would have made sense. Originally the plan was for me to work full time and him to work part time, but after mat leave I didn't feel I could do that.

I have suggested to him previously that we both work 4 days, but it isn't an option at his work.

Ultimately I love being there for our DC and so I don't mind working fewer days - I will probably go up to 4 days once they start school as I still want to be around as much as I can - but I do feel that financial and professional sacrifice for the good of our family should be recognised, that I am an equal contributor

We do try for equal leisure time. He would usually only work these extra hours on days when I dont have plans though, so in a way he's sacrificing leisure time. I have a busier social life than he does, just due to our personalities.

Yes, except that I'll then allow him a lie in the next morning, so I'm pulling his weight there

1000% agree you facilitate him being able to work more. Nursery drop off / pick ups / meal times / bed times can feel like a second shift!!

"Originally the plan was for me to work full time and him to work part time, but after mat leave I didn't feel I could do that."

"but I do feel that financial and professional sacrifice for the good of our family should be recognised, that I am an equal contributor"

So your going part time was your preference, and overrode the original plans despite it being financially disadvantageous to your family?

Seems a bit unfair to paint it as him bring selfish and you sacrificing your career and him "not having to" when you didn't feel you could go back to full time work work so him making the sacrifices wasn't even an option you would accept.

A fair take based on what I've written. When I say that was the plan, it was discussed from a "this makes sense financially" point of view during pregnancy. When baby was actually here, the reality was very different to expectations in many ways.

He never actually explored whether 3 days a week would be doable in his job (I don't think it would, given he can't do 4 days) and I don't think he's ever regretted working full time, although I could of course be wrong about that

This is the only truly fair answer. You're not being grabby, you just want to be valued. There is give and take in a family. If one parent is working late at their job, the other is typically "on the clock" for longer with childcare/housework/life admin.

My husband initially suggested that he use all of a bonus he received to buy a new gaming computer and set up (he already had one, just wanted a fancier one and comfier chair). He came out with "...but I worked so hard, was so stressed and put in so much extra time at work to get those projects done", but it only took me saying ONCE "Yes, absolutely you did, and I looked after our children for hours longer each day, cooked every meal and mitigated the effect your stress would have on family life so that you could do those extra hours at work. Where's my bonus?" to get to a response of "Shit, yeah, okay" from him. This was years ago now and I still tease him over his initial proposition, and he's still embarrassed that I had to point it out to him. All money is family money. We're a team. Just like you and your husband are.

These transactional relationships sound so joyless. I honestly don’t know how people put themselves through it.

You have a child in nursery. You’re not going to have an equal split of anything at this stage, no matter how hard you try. There’s always going to be someone who does an extra load of laundry or has an extra hour in bed. That’s life - and with small children situations change quickly.

As long as no one is taking the piss and no one is being genuinely unhappy or disrespected, you just need to get on with it. The though of keeping tabs of every pound spent and what it was spent on and who benefited the most from it and how long someone spent by themselves makes me despair.

On another note, it’s interesting how you’ve framed working less as a great, selfless sacrifice you’ve made. And not as something you’re benefiting hugely from.

“I allow him a lie in the next morning” Jesus Christ I could not live like that 🫣