To persevere with this relationship?

[BeMoreSoThen]

I have posted about this before under a different name but it is my birthday next month and I suppose it is making me reflect on what I want in life.

In my early 20s I had a very good male friend with whom I had no romantic relationship at all. By my mid 20s, that had changed and after night outs we would often end up going home together, but it was all very casual and we were both single. We both would see other people too.

In our late 20s we had a pregnancy scared and got much closer. He then text me one day to say he was going on a date with someone else and I ended it. I knew I liked him, and he knew it too, and I was not interested in sharing him with anyone. We didn’t speak for a while after this.

During this time, I met someone who I thought I would end up marrying. I thought he was perfect. And then he cheated on me and finished it to be with his affair partner. Upset and drunk, I got in touch again with the first man.

We gradually started seeing each other again but it was never serious. I again met someone else, and told him about it. I gave him every opportunity to say he’d prefer we were together and I didn’t see this other man, but he was clearly not bothered so I ended things and gave it a whirl with the other man.

That lasted just a few months and I felt suffocated and unhappy. I hated how often he wanted to see me and stay at mine, and the expectations placed on me, and ended it. I went back to the first man again.

This was five years ago. We agreed a long time ago that we are monogamous. We speak all day every day, and holiday together a couple of times a year. But we only see each other every couple of weeks, despite living five minutes away from each other.

I sometimes wonder if I’m ‘settling’, and whether I want a proper relationship with the aim to be living together and marriage. But then I think about the previous relationship where I felt suffocated because he wanted exactly that and I hated it. I hated him wanting to stay over on week nights or wanting to go for dinner or to see his family.

I’m not getting any younger and I wonder whether I should be brave, call it off and look for someone with a more traditional view of a relationship. Or it it okay to stick with what I’ve got despite being relentlessly told by friends that it’s not a ‘real’ relationship.

Why make life difficult? You're both very happy the way it is, and neither want it to change, so why would you?

If it ultimately is down to what your friends are saying, you need to explain your decision and ask them to respect it. If they can't, they aren't friends.

If you both want to get married further down the line, discuss and decide.

I don't understand why you would want to fix something that isn't broken.

Wishing you all the best x

I meant in terms of would you regret not having children. Obviously it’s not something you can even consider with this man because he doesn’t want to live together or get married but I wonder how you felt about it with your previous partners

Can I also ask why you never spend a full weekend together? And what happens when friends socialise as couples or have a party, do you mind attending on your own?

Ok so what it is is that you prefer longer periods of time with him but two hours would be too much of a bother? I think I’m starting to understand a bit, feels rushed not relaxed etc?

So how much time do you actually spend together when you are together, One day and a night? Are you spending that time exclusively together?

I don’t want children. That is nothing to do with him.

Because we have got our own lives and plans. Last weekend, for example, I was on a mini break with two friends Friday - Sunday so didn’t see him, and I am going out tomorrow night with another friend. I will go over to his on Saturday and leave early Sunday afternoon to come home and shower and change to go out with two very old friends for Sunday dinner.

I don’t really have the friendship circles where couples socialise together. There are gay couples who will both attend a night out or party with us together, but that’s because both of them are our friends. I can’t think of anyone who would bring their husband on a night out with us, it would be a bit odd.

I couldn’t imagine caring about attending a friend’s party on my own. That is absolutely foreign to me. If I’m at a friend’s party I’m there with friends, to see friends. I don’t want to be stuck making sure he’s okay all night.

If it’s a mutual friend’s wedding or something though we’d go together.

I just like it to be, what is to me, proper quality time together when we’ve got no work commitments and can just chill and enjoy ourselves and we’ve got the whole night with no clock watching or going to bed at different times or anything else that comes with work days.

Yeah a day and a night. Do you mean exclusively just me and him? If so, yes.

@Genevieve29I think those relationships are actually quite different. Both of the couples you describe spend weekends together, travel to spend a few days together outside of that, holiday together and attend events as a couple. That’s a very different dynamic from the OP’s relationship, where they don’t seem to spend whole weekends together or really share those kinds of experiences aside from a few holidays a year. You can live separately but still have lives that are intertwined

You wouldn’t be stuck looking after him if he had spent time with your friends and had developed his own friendships with them. He’s been in your life for a very long time, it’s strange that you’d have to babysit him like he’s meeting them for the first time

Ok yeah, I do get that, undisturbed, especially if you generally have a very busy life and plenty of social commitments.

Look if you can hand on heart say you are happy with this then thats what matters. It’s not for anyone else to judge.

Honestly thats not very long for a committed relationship, maybe twice a month for about 24 hours. I do see the appeal though but again because I’m looking at it from the perspective of someone who’s already married and would want something low maintenance if my marriage didn’t work out. I do personally think living together is overrated (I’ve floated the idea of living apart to DH before and it was a flat no and he’s very low maintenance tbh so it’s not like I dislike him being around, I just like being by myself).

I’ve ummed and ahhed over your post tbh, on the one hand it would suit me very well as a relationship which is permanent but not demanding (perhaps makes for more pleasant time together as well). But the thing that bothers me is that you seem to want more and you don’t think he will give it to you. It would have been different if you had said I’m 100% happy but my friends are really judgy and it’s annoying me”.

Is it worth having a last ditch conversation with him, not suggesting you sell your homes, you could ask him if he would rent with you for 6 months to give it a go? I think as long as you are clear sighted about it then it’s not for anyone else to judge. It’s just that in my experience men have a “lock it down” mentality towards women they really value because they assume that other men would also be pursue you and my concern is you are forgoing other opportunities for a man who may not value you as much as you value him. I don’t say that to hurt you. I know you said he would be really hurt if you left now, but you left before and he wasn’t concerned and even when you were seeing each other in the past he didn’t stop being open to other women.

I can’t help but to think of all the women on here or elsewhere who’ve been told that marriage is just a piece of paper and their relationship doesn’t need that to be authentic and suddenly find their boyfriend has left and a few months later is apparently totally fine with marriage. I could be horribly wrong but enough time on mumsnet makes me think men are basically all extremely similar under very different exteriors.

I really do wish you happiness OP, I hope whatever you decide to do it’s the right choice for you (really doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, it’s your life and you have to live in it) but give it one more conversation about whether he would be willing to give it a trial and no hard feelings if either of you decide it’s not for you.

How is us holidaying a few times a year differing to other couples, er, holidaying? I have never said we don’t attend events together.

Strange.

We have many, many friends between us. We also went to school together, college together and worked together in our early 20s, and so have many friends in common, lots we’ve known for many years, and also lots from more recent years who we’ve each just met briefly.

I don’t want to go on his nights out with his friends (and he wouldn’t want me to) and he would not want to come on mine. There is no need whatsoever. We are grown adults, and, in my own opinion, there is nothing worse than when your friend Janice insists on bringing her husband Michael on the night out when everyone else plainly doesn’t want him to be there.

But, of course, if on occasion he did, a wedding or something where he didn’t know anyone, I would obviously make sure he’s okay.

All of this is irrelevant though, because we are happy to have our friends and to enjoy their company without each other. I would find it extremely, extremely odd if he announced that he wanted to come on my nights out to get to know my friends better, and I have no doubt my friends would also object if I started dragging him out like some sort of support animal.

Maybe it works for people whose friendships are enmeshed with that ‘group of friends’ dynamic you see that includes lots of couples, but that is definitely not us.

Things have vastly changed since I walked away for someone else last time. We were not exclusive then.

Has this thread helped you? I am
hoping so.
From an outsiders view it seems that the more the thread has gone on, the more you are talking about (defending?) staying together, other than discussing choosing to split and the reasons/benefits of that.
Has there been a shift? Are you 80/90% sure on staying? What were you before?
I hope it’s helping x

Why are these many many friends telling you relentlessly as you said that it’s not a real relationship then?

Genuinely I hope you are content and happy and things work out for you. At the start you sounded very unsure and keen for more commitment but as the thread has gone on it sounds like you don’t actually want that.

Yes, I said earlier in the thread that it’s solidified in my mind that it is pressure from other people that I don’t like.

I don’t understand what you’re saying.

Well it doesn't sound like rock n roll, not being able to keep your hands off each sort of passion, or maybe it was at first? Not that this type of relationship is guaranteed to last but I think there has to be some sort of lust for a while.

It seems you both love each other but are aware either of you could have a sparked attraction to someone else.

You're still young, maybe don't overthink and let life happen. Xx

I have no idea where you've got this idea from. It is very strange what people invent when reading threads.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with our sex life. Hands down the best I have ever had.

Sorry, I got the idea from not seeing each other much though you live near each other. That's the only reason! Plus it's been on and off for so long, but maybe that does show you're both very attracted to each other.

Please, no need to be defensive, you asked for advice so as an older woman with lots of experience with relationships, this was my question, not an assumption.

This is interesting given you only see each other once a fortnight! Don’t you want more?!
You live 5 mins apart. Don’t you pop around for a quickie at least?!

I wouldn’t want to start seeing him just for a quick shag, no.

So you both have fairly low sex drives?
If the sex is great, once a fortnight is quite a push!!

My sex life is fine, thanks.

There’s no law that says relationships must include marriage, cohabiting and infiltrating each other’s friendship groups but a lot of people are very narrow-minded about this sort of thing. All that matters is that you’re happy. It sounds like you’ve both found something that works for you.

I got the impression before that you didn’t have mutual friends but that makes it even more odd that so many mutual friends who’ve known you both for years have the same concerns. That doesn’t mean they’re right, but I’d be wondering why they’re all seeing the same thing and why they don’t trust him not to leave you for the ‘one.’

You’ve also said before that they badger you as to why he never wants to socialise with them and their husbands. That’s not the same as expecting him to tag along to a girls’ night.