To persevere with this relationship?

[BeMoreSoThen]

I have posted about this before under a different name but it is my birthday next month and I suppose it is making me reflect on what I want in life.

In my early 20s I had a very good male friend with whom I had no romantic relationship at all. By my mid 20s, that had changed and after night outs we would often end up going home together, but it was all very casual and we were both single. We both would see other people too.

In our late 20s we had a pregnancy scared and got much closer. He then text me one day to say he was going on a date with someone else and I ended it. I knew I liked him, and he knew it too, and I was not interested in sharing him with anyone. We didn’t speak for a while after this.

During this time, I met someone who I thought I would end up marrying. I thought he was perfect. And then he cheated on me and finished it to be with his affair partner. Upset and drunk, I got in touch again with the first man.

We gradually started seeing each other again but it was never serious. I again met someone else, and told him about it. I gave him every opportunity to say he’d prefer we were together and I didn’t see this other man, but he was clearly not bothered so I ended things and gave it a whirl with the other man.

That lasted just a few months and I felt suffocated and unhappy. I hated how often he wanted to see me and stay at mine, and the expectations placed on me, and ended it. I went back to the first man again.

This was five years ago. We agreed a long time ago that we are monogamous. We speak all day every day, and holiday together a couple of times a year. But we only see each other every couple of weeks, despite living five minutes away from each other.

I sometimes wonder if I’m ‘settling’, and whether I want a proper relationship with the aim to be living together and marriage. But then I think about the previous relationship where I felt suffocated because he wanted exactly that and I hated it. I hated him wanting to stay over on week nights or wanting to go for dinner or to see his family.

I’m not getting any younger and I wonder whether I should be brave, call it off and look for someone with a more traditional view of a relationship. Or it it okay to stick with what I’ve got despite being relentlessly told by friends that it’s not a ‘real’ relationship.

Loads of couples don’t share bedrooms. He has insomnia and is currently attending a sleep clinic because it’s so bad. It is awful for him. Being woken up by me coming to bed wouldn’t help.

I do want to see him. I love seeing him and really look forward to it. I like the time together to be proper quality time and it works for us. It is different living together. We wouldn’t have to be ‘together’. We could be in the same room doing different things. That is what I quite like the idea of.

I never respond on here. But I wanted to for you...I really understood this feeling you have. But the situation is wrong. "When you know, you'll know. And when you don't, you don't".

You are not sure that this situation is right, because it is not. Or, why else are you posting on here asking for opinions? If it is right, you would not need external perspectives. You are querying what it is.

That is why you feel unsure and confused. It will never be right for you. Not living together is weird, after 5 years, when one of you wants it. It is not an unreasonable desire.
So, your options are to tell him this is what you want and need and ask to move in together. Stay and ignore why you feel the need to post on an internet forum using words like 'persevere' in this loving relationship. Or leave.

Hi @BeMoreSoThen - I don’t think there is anything wrong with your relationship set-up per se. It seems to be a real relationship, just different.

However you want something more than he does- you want to get married and live together and he doesn’t. So either:

• You’re more emotionally invested than he is, or
• You’re both equally committed but just want different things in terms of living arrangements.

You need to work out which it is and whether you’re ok with settling for something a bit less than what you want. From my perspective the second thing is something that could potentially be overcome - all relationships involve compromise, and you say he’s your ideal guy in all other respects. But only you know whether this is likely to bother you long term.

I am confused by this @BeMoreSoThen . You've said that you like the idea of being in the same house and, essentially, leading parallel lives but able to be together when you choose. But you also say you feel stifled by the idea of living together in a 'joined at the hip' way. It seems to me that regardless of him not wanting to cohabit you can not envisage how you would experience it in reality. You seem to want something that carries a high risk of being claustrophobic for you. Even if you were with a man who wanted to share his life more closely you seem very uncertain about cohabiting. Given he definitely doesn't want to live together and you're not sure surely you are better off as you are? Unless you think you are unhealthily avoidant and a part of you wants to work through this and achieve greater intimacy in a relationship I'm struggling to understand the dilemma.

You mention art, creative hobbies and interests that you do on weeknights, and that you ended a previous relationship because he wanted to watch tv in the evenings and you felt unable to do your creative activities as a result (his interests overrode yours).

Gently, not every marriage or co habiting relationship requires watching tv every evening. It sounds like you haven't met many people who also like to do creative activities on weeknights.

The right man for you would be delighted by your creative activities, encourage and support you with them, not be threatened or upset by you wanting to spend time alone doing them, and most likely has his own creative life where he also spends time alone doing his own activities. The conversations you two would have would be centred on these creative areas and you might even end up pushing each other forward to submit work publically or write a guide or teach classes etc and give back to the world. Or, go on trips that revolve around both of your interests and gather inspiration or even a retreat experience to do them in new exciting locations if you want to.

I know it is hard to imagine if you have never had a partner who shares this part of your world. If you have always been a bit of a black sheep you might not see yourself in this way. You deserve a partner who will add to your life, and lift you up.

Would it kill you to remain single for more than two minutes? Good god, the levels of stress people put themselves through just to avoid being on their own, I'll never understand.

Oh OP, I remember your past thread.
Learn to cherish your dreams.

I think the same

Exactly what Frillysweetpea said.

My brother shamefully behaved like this with a very nice women. Together 10 years but no real commitment. Both apparently very happy.

He then met a younger woman and boom! He was engaged and married within 9 months.

He’s wasting your time OP.

Then what are you worried about? It sounds like you have the ideal setup for your needs.

The reasons you give around you not wanting to live together or share a bedroom, seem to revolve around his insomnia and you not wanting to disturb him. This just plays into the you would, but he doesn't want to aspect of what's going on here.

I don’t think I could go back again. He would be extremely hurt.

If this is the case I think you need to be open and lay it down. Say you want more, you want togetherness and possibly marriage and you're currently persevering with the current set up. If he would be extremely hurt at the though of losing you truly, and not just have a bruised ego, then he will see what he is about to lose is valuable and do what he needs to do to keep it.

I think that you know this won't happen, which is why you're sticking it out and aligning all your wants and needs with his. If you truly felt that you wanted the same thing, this post wouldn't even have happened.

This is not a logistics thing, there are plenty of people that have unconventional set ups and just get on with it because it feels true and right, it's not a case of persevering. It's just right and how it is for them.

Can I ask when you say you don’t see each other despite being so close because you want to spend quality time together instead of rushing, was that him or you who decided that?

When you do see each other how long do you generally spend with each other? Like friday night to sunday night for example?

Also we never had sex during these dinners, it was just dinner because we liked being around each other, Dh isn’t a madly passionate man or anything, he would just miss talking to me in person, it doesn’t have to be either or really. You can have clam consistency with someone who wants to be around you and with you in person.

To me it seems wild that you can veer between seeing someone once a fortnight because of all these reasons about him going to bed earlier, you don’t want to rush in the morning etc which are things most people just compromise on and then in the next breath talk about buying a three storey townhouse together but I think this is you letting yourself dream about how your life really would look if you were being true to yourself. You say you don’t think too much about the future because what’s the point but this is something you obviously have envisaged for yourself and let yourself toy with the idea, if only he was on board with it too.

If he turned round and said I’ve had a change of heart, I want to move in together and get married what would you say?

I appreciate this is a sensitive question but I would also ask how would you feel if he met someone else and had a child? I worry that you’re fitting in with what he wants and convincing yourself that you don’t want something so as not to upset the apple cart and push him away

Can I add what seems to be a different perspective? Mumsnetters seem to live their lives according to a consensually perceived way of doing life.
I am older than you - by quite a long way. I think your way of life with your "Mr Right" sounds lovely. You clearly both know what you want, are not over-dependent on one another, and are happy with the status quo. At 40, you are too mature to be concerned about your friends' opinions on your relationship. You know what works for you both, so go for it.
I know 2 couples who have done similar to you. All very happy in their relationships. Couple 1 had been together, in a monogamous relationship, living 30 miles apart but seeing each other at weekends, holidaying together and attending parties and events together, for almost 50 years before he sadly died when he got cancer.

Couple 2 have been together for about 30 years, one lives in Yorkdhire, the other in the South West. He travels to hers most weekends, occasionally she goes to his for a few days. Again, they holiday together and attend "things" as a couple and are very happy living like this.
People are too hung up on the fact thst you only live 5 mins apart, and yet still choose this lifestyle.
You sound content with what you have. Keep it, live it, and dont let others' ideas of what "should be" affect you. It's your life, and it sounds great. I wish you both many happy years together.

Fuck me, can you not read?

This definitely wouldn’t happen. He doesn’t want to live together or get married. He has always been clear.

Neither of us really decided. It’s just something we mutually arrived at without discussing it. It is what I prefer and I’m certain it’s what he prefers too.

Either Friday afternoon till Saturday afternoon or the Saturday till the Sunday.

I would feel as furious as surely anyone whose partner would feel if they left them for another woman and had a child?! Would anyone be indifferent or over the moon about that?

If he wanted to move in together and get married I’d say yes, on the proviso that we sold both our houses and bought another with more room.

Thank you.

I can see a lot about what he wants.... what do YOU want?

I find it hard to reconcile the fact that you don’t want to see him during the week because it’s mutually agreed and your preference but also want to marry him and live with him?

That’s perfect then! You’re both happy!!

Keep going and ignore the naysayers. It’s your life. 🩵

I don’t really see the point in me answering this for the fourth time. I’ll just be repeating the exact same thing.