AIBU to ask neighbours to keep their dog on a lead?

[pumpkinpotpie]

I would really appreciate some thoughts on how I could best manage this situation. Especially from people who have dogs or who are dog lovers.

For background after being attacked by dogs twice as a kid I was properly phobic of dogs for a long time. I have worked very hard to conquer that fear especially as I had children and I did not want them to feel the same way. I am now in my 40s and no longer phobic. I do not need to cross the road when walking past a dog. I can go into peoples houses when they have a dog. And I can even pat or even play with a friendly dog. I cannot over emphasise what huge progress all of that is for me.

However, I am struggling with something at the moment.

My neighbours have a young dog. I think it’s some sort of spaniel poodle mix. It’s not an unfriendly dog, but it is quite bouncy. We have a shared driveway and they allow the dog to run free over the shared driveway regularly. When I walk down the driveway, the dog often bound up to me and then it sort of stands there stock still just staring at me, not wagging its tail just staring at me which I find really intimidating. It’s not being aggressive, but I don’t like it.

At night, because it’s shadowy and tree- lined the dog can’t see very well so it’s inclined to bark quite aggressively at anything coming down the drive. That’s totally fair enough. I understand why it’s doing that.

However, it is giving me huge anxiety about leaving my house and walking up and down the driveway. I’ve asked my neighbours three times if they could please ensure the dog is on a lead when it’s out the front at night time.

So far they have ignored that request and are very dismissive saying “oh he’s fine. He’s very friendly. We’re always there.”

However, the dog has really poor recall. It isn’t aggressive. I know that, but I can’t help but feel really anxious.

They don’t tend to take the dog out for a walk. They tend to just allow it to run free out the front of our houses. To be fair to them, they do pick it up when it poos in our front garden.

My seven-year-old also is a bit scared of it and doesn’t like it when it bounces up to him.

I think I can cope with it during the day, but at night it’s giving me huge anxiety and it’s actually stopping me from going out of my house at night. Which I recognise is utterly ridiculous. But I feel like I’ve tried to talk to them and I think people who love dogs just do not understand why somebody who is nervous of dogs could struggle.

Does anybody have any advice for either what I can do myself to help me be more resilient? Or what I could do if the dog is barking at me. I’ve taken to carrying an umbrella so that I’ve got a barrier between me and the dog.

Obviously, I will try and speak to my Neighbours again, but I don’t want a massive feud with them. We otherwise get on very well so I’m not inclined to make a huge deal out of it but equally it’s starting to make me feel very anxious and stressed.

Finally in the experience of people who know dogs really well, are dogs inclined to attack if they can’t see properly? I’m just worried that it would bark at me and one day bite me when I’m coming down the drive in the dark. I think that’s probably a relatively unfounded worry, but that is something at the back of my mind.

Any help gratefully received!! please be kind!

Sorry, not read the full thread, just the OP’s post.

i love dogs, I own a dog. He’s the friendliest, soppiest thing in the world. But I still wouldn’t let him bound around on a shared driveway, ESPECIALLY when I’ve been asked twice (I think) if I could pop him on a lead.
the onus isn’t on the OP to befriend it more, join them on walks (that they don’t even take - another sign of a shit owner) or make sure the dog knows it her in the dark. It’s on the neighbours to listen to and respect their neighbours boundaries.

you should have to OP, but have you told them how nervous it makes you due to your past experience? Or how your son is feeling it too?

i really don’t have any advice, the only route I can think would be to say ‘look, he needs to be on a lead and kept off my property or I’ll have to call the dog warden’, but then that’s going to cause tension between you and your neighbour. Which would be no great loss as they can’t even listen to this simple request, but still.

I love dogs, and they are being unreasonable. Their dog shouldn’t be loose outside of their house where it could get hurt. They don’t sound very responsible OP, so I think your only option is to befriend the dog. Spaniels are always eager to play so that’s probably why the dog stares at you, it’s waiting for something. Hopefully you’ll become firm friends and feel much more comfortable.

Completely agree with this. You should not have to manage interactions with the dog. The dog should not be allowed to approach you. The dog should be under control or contained in their home / garden.

It doesn't matter if the dog is friendly so it's poor form for them to brush you off. I am a massive dog lover and we have a rescue dog who is very reactive to other animals. I've had so many arguments with people who let their dogs run over to mine with the old "he's friendly/just wants to play/say hello" attitude. I have threatened many of them with reporting them to the dog warden for having an out of control dog as they cannot or will not recall it. It seems to do the trick. I wouldn't hesitate to say that to my neighbours but I'm a hard faced cow so wouldn't care if it soured relations. I appreciate you might not want to go down that route but if it's causing you fear, being a nuisance or at risk of being run over, a dog warden can take action.

The responsibility lies fairly and squarely with your neighbours, as the owners of the dog, to make sure that it is not a nuisance.
They should absolutely not be just letting this dog loose out the front of the house. It should be under their control at ALL times.
Your history of being nervous around dogs has no relevance here. You could be the world's greatest dog lover and the neighbours are still in the wrong.

Why don't they let it into their back garden which hopefully is secure?

Stop trying to appease them.

Dogs work on smell rather than sight so I’m sure he recognises your scent and that you are no threat.

Does your local authority have a dog warden ? For the dog’s sake it shouldn’t be allowed to wander where it could get hit by a car. Nor be able to wander over your property.

They shouldnt just be leaving dog on its own out the front of the house. You talk about befriending the dog. Why dont you explain your wariness of dogs and ask if you could take it for a walk ?

So if you and your children are clean and dressed for the day/school their dog can and will jump up at you and muddy your clothes!! Totally unacceptable!! I own dogs and would never allow this.

I am dog owner and this is not ok. Doesn’t sounds ideal for the dog either. It should be walked. And not exposed to random strangers coming and going. That said, I can’t imagine those issues will be bothering the owners or they wouldn’t be doing it.
You shouldn’t have to but you could try throwing a big chew for him (away from you) when you need to get by in the dark.

Because of course that’s a totally reasonable response 🙄. If op runs over the dog deliberately then she will be in trouble, plus it’s an unbelievably shitty thing to do.

This is not the dog or @pumpkinpotpie ‘s fault, it’s the fault of the crappy, inconsiderate owner who is being a CF & can’t be arsed to walk and train their dog (shouldn’t be allowed). I say that as person sitting with my dogs on the bed next to me, who have just run all the way down the drive with me to take the bins out but who stay on my property and don’t approach strangers unless invited (which people inevitably do as they are super cute, it’s actually quite annoying from a training perspective).

@pumpkinpotpie the drive is shared but presumably the garden isn’t, so they have an obligation to keep their dog out of your garden. They also as PPs have said have an obligation to keep their dog under control and if has no recall it would fail that test. If you don’t want to escalate that’s your choice but those two points would be my starting point along with a clear message that it doesn’t matter if the dog is friendly you find it intimidating and they need to make changes or you will have to take action.

I also wouldn’t suggest carrying treats or putting your hand out in the dogs face- if you did that to mine they would think you wanted a nose bump so more likely to engage but equally you don’t want to present a limb to a badly sociales, nervous dog as that’s just asking for trouble. Firm, calm no, step into them if they jump up ( puts them off balance in a way stepping away doesn’t) and turn your back otherwise. No eye contact, no attention. Also to reassure barking doesn’t generally mean a bite is more likely, usually the opposite, provided you don’t escale with approaching them etc.

For a bit of extra light could you get some solar lights for the front of your house?

My daughter is scared of dogs, she's doing so much better than she was. She's not a fan of things in her face and being small and the height of a medium size dog meant she got a lot of "only friendly" dogs in her face. We also had an incident where a young dog came at her to play after being let out without its owners and it escaped from it's front garden as we walked past.

She's not quite 6 and what I do is narrate as we dogs approach us. The dog is on its lead we are just going to step to the side and it will walk past us nicely and we can continue down the hill. Or it's an older dog and there is plenty of space for us to pass one another. We don't give the dog any attention and I don't interact with the owners any more and as on of the previous posters mentioned when you ignore them they do just carry on.

I'd look at some small lights so that you could improve your vision so less likely to be startled by the dog unexpectedly? Maybe it's something you could suggest to the owners too, or reflective collar? They should be keeping it under better control but in lieu of that making it easier for you to determine where it is when it's dark would hopefully improve your anxieties around surprised by it

Thank you all for your messages. This has been very helpful.

So the main problem I have is that when I’m walking down the drive which is a long straight road I have to keep approaching the dog so if the dog is standing there and barking at me, I can’t just go another way or stop and turn around because that’s where my house is. I mean, I guess I could, but then I wouldn’t get home. It’s not so much of an issue when I come out of my house as he knows it’s me then, it’s when I’m coming down the driveway.

Given that I’ve asked multiple times (now four!) for them to keep him on a lead, I think I need to get it so that the dog recognises me and is friendly to me so he doesn’t bark or if he starts barking, he then stops when he realises who I am. I will still find that really difficult because even the thought of a dog standing there and barking at me makes me feel really uncomfortable but hopefully it means that he wouldn’t actually attack me as I continue walking down the driveway to access my property.

as I said before, I can’t control my neighbours and I can’t control the dog, so I’m doing what I can. I don’t really want to start going to the dog warden because I still have to live next door to these people (and they are otherwise nice) and moving is not an option.

so on Monday I spent half an hour with the dog stroked it threw a ball for it which was ok. I’m going to try to interact with him in a friendly way when I see him. Although I’m still nervous that he will bark at me if I’m walking down the drive and he can’t see it’s me. I also reiterated to my neighbour at night. I really need them to make sure he’s contained or on a lead. I haven’t seen him out at night since then, but I also haven’t looked out if that makes sense.

We also got a note through the door from the postman to say he was unable to deliver our post area this week due to the loose dog next door. I’m hoping that he also put a note through next door!

I think you are handling this very well and admire you for trying to conquer your fears.

Let us hope the postman approaches the dog warden. Maybe you could drop him a subtle hint when you next see him and request confidentiality.

That's really brave of you, well done. It's worth remembering that dogs bark to communicate, so they can bark if they're pleased to see you too!

I'd raise with the neighbours that your deliveries are affected though.

Palling up with the dog is not the answer. The owner controlling their dog is.
It is entirely reasonable of you to tell the neighbours you are not getting your post because of their dog.
I am puzzled though as to how the postman managed to put a note through your door but not the post!!

I agree that it would be better if the neighbours controlled the dog but I can’t make them!

the postman put a note through yesterday (Tuesday) - along with our post- to say he couldn’t deliver on Monday due to dog being loose.

They don't take the dog for a walk? What? Never?

They do but not daily. So maybe at the weekend they will go for a walk but is not frequent.

instead they let him run around the shared drive and front gardens.

I agree that it would be better if the neighbours controlled the dog but I can’t make them!

You can! - but understandably do not want to sour relations. But from your end they are already soured by their inconsiderate behaviour. Do they not have a back garden for the dog to roam about in?

You have not said if you have back gardens. If you do why is the dog not being put out there?

I would be furious if I could not get post delivered because of selfish idiot neighbours. I love dogs but would not want one keep coming up to me on MY drive and barking at me.

What if you had a dog? My dog is friendly but does not like other dogs running up to him when on lead and, obviously, this dog would do that.

I can't believe how selfish and stupid your neighbours are.

To answer the back garden issue. Yes we have back gardens. Mine is fully fenced.

Theirs back into woodland and they do not have have a fence there. I don’t think it’s occurred to them to have him go there as he runs away into the woods. Yes obviously they could / should fence that off so it is secure I’m not sure why they don’t.

the other thing is they have made a flower and seating area in the front garden so they tend to use that more than back garden.

its not how I would do it tbh!

Just tell them - I am sure that you will be polite - that you can no longer cope with the dog roaming about out the front and that it is stopping your post being delivered and causing inconvenience. Tell them that is is making you feel anxious and stressed and that you are sure that this is not what they want. Say that you would prefer to sort this out in a neighbourly way. (subtle hint that you could speak to council dog warden).

Basically the problem is that (apart from their ill manners and lack of consideration which is obviously behind this) you do not feel able to be assertive with them over this. We all find it hard but have to find ways of doing this when necessary.

Some tips:

• Use "I" language: Frame thoughts from your own view, e.g., "I feel unhappy with this " instead of "You are being inconsiderate."
• Drop unnecessary apologies: You have nothing to apologise for so do not go in with "I am really sorry to bother you/I realise it is my problem", but rather "I need to discuss your dog with you as he is causing me problems."
• Keep "No" simple: "No, it is not possible for this to continue."
• Address behavior, not character: "Your dog is causing me a nuisance" rather then "You are a pair of irresponsible inconsiderate pillocks!"
• Make constructive suggestions in a positive way: "I would like you to let your dog exercise in the back garden and not out the front" rather than "I wonder if you would mind letting it out the back?"
• Be explicit about the way forward and where you stand: "I do not want us to fall out as I value our good relationship, but I need to be clear that this is not a situation that can continue" rather than "I wonder maybe if you could ...?"

You are looking at this all wrong. You are delving into your past and coming up with reasons why it is your fault - it is not! - it is theirs!

Say as little as possible - it is very easy in this sort of conversation to start babbling on and not checking what comes out of our mouths! Have a clear list in your head of what you need to say and count to 4 before everything you say.

Have the script in your head - practice it beforehand.

Only you can sort this! Do not be a doormat!! You have rights too!

If after your discussion they realise that they must fence their back garden in then so be it. Sounds as though it is long overdue.
If they say that they like sitting out the front, acknowledge this but say "I have to ask you not to have your dog loose when you are doing this, nor when you are not here."

That it is pooing and peeing in your garden is completely unacceptable.

i agree with the suggestions that you need to be blunt and tell them it needs to stop.