AIBU to ask neighbours to keep their dog on a lead?

[pumpkinpotpie]

I would really appreciate some thoughts on how I could best manage this situation. Especially from people who have dogs or who are dog lovers.

For background after being attacked by dogs twice as a kid I was properly phobic of dogs for a long time. I have worked very hard to conquer that fear especially as I had children and I did not want them to feel the same way. I am now in my 40s and no longer phobic. I do not need to cross the road when walking past a dog. I can go into peoples houses when they have a dog. And I can even pat or even play with a friendly dog. I cannot over emphasise what huge progress all of that is for me.

However, I am struggling with something at the moment.

My neighbours have a young dog. I think it’s some sort of spaniel poodle mix. It’s not an unfriendly dog, but it is quite bouncy. We have a shared driveway and they allow the dog to run free over the shared driveway regularly. When I walk down the driveway, the dog often bound up to me and then it sort of stands there stock still just staring at me, not wagging its tail just staring at me which I find really intimidating. It’s not being aggressive, but I don’t like it.

At night, because it’s shadowy and tree- lined the dog can’t see very well so it’s inclined to bark quite aggressively at anything coming down the drive. That’s totally fair enough. I understand why it’s doing that.

However, it is giving me huge anxiety about leaving my house and walking up and down the driveway. I’ve asked my neighbours three times if they could please ensure the dog is on a lead when it’s out the front at night time.

So far they have ignored that request and are very dismissive saying “oh he’s fine. He’s very friendly. We’re always there.”

However, the dog has really poor recall. It isn’t aggressive. I know that, but I can’t help but feel really anxious.

They don’t tend to take the dog out for a walk. They tend to just allow it to run free out the front of our houses. To be fair to them, they do pick it up when it poos in our front garden.

My seven-year-old also is a bit scared of it and doesn’t like it when it bounces up to him.

I think I can cope with it during the day, but at night it’s giving me huge anxiety and it’s actually stopping me from going out of my house at night. Which I recognise is utterly ridiculous. But I feel like I’ve tried to talk to them and I think people who love dogs just do not understand why somebody who is nervous of dogs could struggle.

Does anybody have any advice for either what I can do myself to help me be more resilient? Or what I could do if the dog is barking at me. I’ve taken to carrying an umbrella so that I’ve got a barrier between me and the dog.

Obviously, I will try and speak to my Neighbours again, but I don’t want a massive feud with them. We otherwise get on very well so I’m not inclined to make a huge deal out of it but equally it’s starting to make me feel very anxious and stressed.

Finally in the experience of people who know dogs really well, are dogs inclined to attack if they can’t see properly? I’m just worried that it would bark at me and one day bite me when I’m coming down the drive in the dark. I think that’s probably a relatively unfounded worry, but that is something at the back of my mind.

Any help gratefully received!! please be kind!

So is the dog outside all the time at the front of the house? And it's therefore always there as you leave/return to the house?

I think that would annoy everyone! I wouldn't like that either.

My only thought was do you have a security light or have a huge power torch so the dog can see who it is?

It’s not out there all the time but I never know when it will be there or not. They tend to let it out at night to go to the toilet but could be any time between 9-11pm. The not knowing is part of what makes me anxious.
During the day it’s more frequent.

unfortunately I can’t put a light up as the drive is long and tree-lined and not owned by me at the end of the- it belongs to other neighbours.

That all sounds really tough. Does the dog recognise your voice? So in the dark you could say out loud "it's only me"?

Maybe.

i have been thinking I might try to spend some time with him so he gets to know me. I mean he obviously doesn’t know my smell and knows me by sight as I see him every day but I don’t really interact with him much because, obviously I don’t like dogs.

Same, I don't like dogs. I personally think the owners need to take more responsibility.

sounds like quite an unusual set up. I would agree in these circumstances it might be worth your while getting to know the dog . chances are he's a lovely little fella and you could make a nice little friend. if you get on with your neighbour and they are reasonable maybe you could give them the background. dogs are incredibly aware of humans, they know us better than we know ourselves. I'm sure a positive solution is possible here

They shouldn't let it do that but a spaniel type standing looking at you just wants you to throw something for it to fetch. It might help to think of that as it is not intending to intimidate you. Don't, however, be tempted to throw anything for it unless you want to continue for the next few hours. They can be quite obsessive.

Can you and seven year old accompany them on walks occasionally until you are familiar? Ask neighbours to be present once a week for meet and greet pat with their dog.

The answer is in befriending the dog.
Though neighbour needs to think about safety of dog and it being driven over in drive.

I love dogs, but I wouldn't like this setup at all. You shouldn't have to regularly walk past a loose dog that isn't yours to get in and out of your house.

That said, most dogs don't see well in total darkness but see much better than humans in dim light, so unless you live somewhere completely blackout dark, the odds are the dog can see you. It will also recognise your scent and your voice, so if it's not particularly aggressive it's very, very unlikely to attack.

I think the onus should be on your neighbours to solve this. That said, if you pet the dog a few times and talk to it, so it recognises your voice, and even give it a treat or two, it should respond to you in a friendly way.

Thank you! I will try befriending him a bit more. And will encourage my son to do the same.

i have told my neighbours about my history with dogs and how it affects me but i think because their dog isn’t “scary” they don’t really understand how it is relevant!

I love dogs but I admire your determination to get over your fear. I'm sure getting to know this dog will help even though I think the owners should contain him for the dogs own safety if nothing else.

cant you make it in a different way, what if it gets knocked over,delivery drivers, people going past you are worried for the safety of the dog,do they pick up the dog poo or is it just left out on its own,do you stand in the dog poo etc you walked it into your house,

So they just let it run around freely off lead and it poos in your garden. ! Just because they pick it up doesn't mean its OK.
Try and talk to them again, this is not ok.

I hate those dog owners who say 'its ok, hes friendly ' as the dog is jumping on you, and people who say 'you should try and make friends with it'
If you wanted a dog you'd have got one.
Not everyone wants to clap dogs or have a dog slobber on them. Unless in their own house/garden or designated dog parks, dogs should be on leads.

I used to be terrified of dogs (I crossed roads, couldn’t visit family unless a dog was removed to a garden).
Then we bought a puppy for our DC. As your NDNs’ is young, you’re in the best position to fully enjoy him and overcome your fear.
Whilst my thoughts won’t apply to all dogs, I think the age and breed fit.
He’s probably barking to get attention or to protect his “area”. He knows you, knows your smell, you’re part of his pack. He’s welcoming or protecting you, not threatening you as a stranger.
Each time the dog bounds up, which is normal puppy behaviour, extend your arm and flatten your palm putting your hand towards the dog’s face. This gives a physical barrier and a clear message you won’t tolerate jumping up. You don’t have to speak. Just put your palm out and extend it firmly.
When he does what you want him to do reward him: an emphatic “Good boy,” / gravy bone/ tiny morsel of cooked sausage/ an ear tickle (dogs love being touched).
You’ll have him wrapped round your little finger in no time and discover a lovely new friend.

Thank you all. Your kind words and advice is really helping.

no there isn’t another way in to the house. Just the one driveway.

i have often thought that the dog could easily get run over. I am always careful when driving down but some delivery drivers come down quite fast! If he was my dog I would be worried for him but they say he is very clever and knows to get out of the way…

they do pick up the poo. He does poo in our garden but they always pick up. I did find one on our lawn the other day but it was just one they missed as it was dark. (Although another reason to be on a lead at night!). Luckily no one stepped in it.

he also wees on the bushes in our garden but I guess other animals like foxes might do that anyway so I’m not going to make a fuss. Plus, I have a cat who I’m sure might go in their garden so wouldn’t make an issue of this (although he is currently an indoor cat as he got hit by a car and is recovering).

Can you put up a gated fence around your driveway and garden? Honestly don't know any dog owners who would let their dogs straight out into an unenclosed garden near a road. Lazy and irresponsible.

It’s a shared driveway so I can’t fence it off.

I have a super friendly, happy, bouncy dog but there's no way I'd let it interfere with anyone who didn't want to interact. Their behaviour is really poor, even more so if you feel intimidated when leaving your house. I'd be inclined to speak to your neighbours again and point out the impact this is having on you. It shouldn't be free roaming outside anyway and as for allowing it to crap in your garden??? I think that you have been too nice. They should be mortified.

They're not good owners but knowing that doesn't help you. They're totally in the wrong. It shouldn't be roaming free or pooing on your lawn whether they pick up or not.

It's not about being on a lead. It is about roaming free. They need to contain the dog so it can't come into other people's properties and to keep it safe. They are not responding to polite concern so I think you need to be blunt. "I would like the dog to not come onto my property..." "The dog must be supervised and must not jump on me or my visitors". How they achieve that is up to them but you need to be clear what you are asking for.

As an alternative, if they carry on being crap neighbours, get a squeaky ball(or a supply) and throw it far away from you when you are coming up the drive!

There's been a recent study on cockerpoos and other designer cross breeds. It says they have more problem behaviours than purebred dogs and the owners are ...to paraphrase ... Not as good either!

www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cwyx81517jxo

"Crossbreed owners were more likely to be first-time dog owners and more likely to use non-professional sources of training advice, such as social media or friends and family."

Take your son over with some treats - don't let him catch your anxiety over the dog, I'm sure you know how horrible it is to be scared and it doesn't sound like there is any reason for him to fear, it's a great learning opportunity for him to know how to handle a dog that approaches. I'm aware this will not fix your issue but it will help with a part of the problem.

The dog will be aware of your smell and who you are, so it's not* going to attack you no.

When you say it's lined with trees can you not have a flood light above your door?

Can we get a diagram?

I’m not sure how to do a diagram but basically imagine a long treelined drive leading to a few houses at one end. My house is one of those houses as is my neighbours. So putting a light on my house wont illuminate the driveway part from the little bit directly in front of my house. In fact we both already have security lights but the end of the driveway is not reached by that light.

I also think even if there were lights the dog might still be nervous about people coming down the driveway at night so don’t think lights are necessarily the answer.

my son isn’t scared of dogs per se, he just doesn’t like them jumping up on him and is nervous of this dog as he bounds up to us as we try to leave the house for school. I worked really hard for the kids to be scared of dogs and they are all fine - just he is nervous when one runs up to him and jumps at him. It’s almost the same size as he is! But I will see if we can befriend it more together.

I'm sorry your neighbours are so ignorant OP.
I have dogs and I would never allow them to bounce up to people, especially someone who is apprehensive around dogs.

It sounds like they are unwilling to do anything and you don't want to rock the boat, so I agree your best bet is to get to know the dog and overcome your fears for your own sake. Imagine how good you'll feel to get rid of those worries.

I suggest getting to know the dog.
Expose yourself to being around him bit by bit. Maybe in company of someone else at first. Then gradually get closer and closer until you are confident walking past him alone. Do you have someone experienced around dogs who could do this exposure with you?

I know it's not ideal, and you shouldn't have to. But I hope you can.

I know you don't want to rock the boat here, but you can be a bit firm. I can't believe you're not pissed off about the dog mess! I'd say something like, "I've tried to talk to you about this before but I don't think you realise how much it affects me. I know your dog is lovely but I do have a phobia I'm working on, and this is really setting me back, and making me anxious about leaving my home. I also really don't want a dog messing in my garden, at all. Please keep him on a lead."

I don't understand why they don't keep him in the back garden? Surely he could get out onto the road?

I don’t like the dog poo or wee in my garden but I’m much more anxious about being barked or growled at.

and I’m conscious that my cat may well go in their garden so I don’t want to be hypocritical and there.

i will try to spent a bit of time with him when I next see him outside. And have some treats in my pocket.

i will also try speaking to my neighbours again but I don’t think they really understand that there is an issue.