DH made our son's hospital situation worse? Now we have a safeguarding referral!

[ForAvidTraybake]

DH and I have three children. Our eldest turns 4 in August. When he was just 6 months old he had a stroke. It was the most terrifying thing we've ever been through.
Thankfully, because he was so young he's recovered amazingly well. Most people wouldn't even know he does have a disability. It’s hidden and we have to advocate for him while he’s still so young. I worry for much the funny thing is I know by the time he’s a teenager he’ll tell me off for worrying so much.

However, it's taken years of hard work to get him where he is. Six mornings a week either I or DH gets up with him first thing to do 45 minutes of physiotherapy before breakfast because that's when he's in the best mood. He naturally favours one hand because of the stroke, so we're constantly encouraging him to use his weaker hand.

He also has regular appointments with specialists and therapists. Childhood stroke is quite rare so we've been fortunate enough to be under some fantastic specialists. DH has even been on a rehabilitation retreat with him to the Lake District etc.

Last week I took him to London for Botox treatment in his weaker hand to help with the muscle tightness. Medical Botox used to help improve function, not anything cosmetic. Unfortunately something didn't go to plan during the procedure. He's okay, but we've now been told we have to wait around three months to see what the outcome will be.
I can't explain how upsetting that's been. We've worked so hard over the last few years to give him every possible chance, and all we want is for him to be able to do everything other children can. I know I'm probably an over-worrier and one day he'll probably be a teenager telling me I worried too much, but right now I can't help it. I've cried most evenings since it happened because I keep thinking about the "what ifs", even though deep down I know he'll most likely be okay.

DH has been just as upset but his reaction was very different. He went back to the hospital to speak to the department involved and completely lost his temper. He shouted, swore and made threats in the heat of the moment. I understand why he was so angry because this is our child but I also think it crossed a line.

We had intended to make a formal complaint about how our son's treatment was handled. Instead, the hospital have now made a complaint about DH's behaviour. They've referred the situation to the safeguarding team and we have someone coming to visit our home and speak to us. They've also said they're concerned about the impact all of this has had on me because I've been so upset & DH mentioned my mental health too.

The funny thing in all of this is that DH is a doctor too and has acted this way at other specialists who are trying their best to help our son. I’ve had to take time off work as I am constantly worried, DH will need to take time off work too. It’s all too much for the both of us if I’m being honest.

I honestly feel like everything has spiralled. We've spent years doing everything we possibly can for our son. Our whole lives revolve around his appointments, therapy and helping him reach his potential. Now it feels like the focus has shifted away from what happened to him and onto us.

AIBU to think DH's reaction, although completely understandable as a frightened and angry parent, has probably made the whole situation much worse?

Has anyone else ever had a safeguarding referral after a parent lost their temper with hospital staff?

I don’t have TikTok

It sounds like she can't be Olivia because her husband isn't a doctor.

So it’s just an absolute coincidence that exactly the same thing has happened? Even right down to having Botox that’s gone wrong?

So you are a troll? At least make up your own stories if that’s the case

Haven't read the whole thread but have had experienced safeguarding referrals as a family (teen with MH issues). Just be honest and explain the stresses you have been under and your joint concerns for your son's development and prospects. Don't get irritated by the intrusion and you'll be fine. Most safeguarding meetings are looking at support the family might need, not to apportion blame and condemn. (I deal with children's safeguarding guarding at work too).

That's no reason to yell at and threaten health care workers.

If they threatened to ban him from the unit or hospital, it was bad. That shit is taken seriously nowadays and as a doctor, he knows that.

Having a disabled child is not an excuse to abuse others.

You don’t even know these people so you can not possibly say they ‘need’ therapy.

You both need more support and I hope you get it. What a difficult situation.

Your DH was completely out of order And his behaviour at hospital was totally unacceptable. He is lucky they did not call the police and have him arrested . No one should be subjected to verbal abuse at their work. He is fortunate to hold onto his job I if the police were called

The OP seems to be saying it was negligent or incompetent treatment, not an accepted risk. The DH’s reaction points to this.

Apparently so.

Mumsnet haven’t said that, they just said they can’t prove OP isn’t genuine yet

I can’t say I blame him.
The vast majority of people -luckily for them -never have years of stress of advocating for someone.
I’m sick of health professionals making mistakes which impact someone’s life immensely and not giving a shit. But heaven help anyone who after years of poor treatment dares to raise their voice.
Want to make a complaint? You complain to NHS workers about NHS workers.
Thats if they answer the phone,
TWENTY SEVEN messages I left with PALS. I made hundreds of calls.
A nurse recently refused to do something I asked her, when I pointed out she had to because it’s the law she laughed, refused again, and told me to complain about her. She said to complain all I like as nothing will happen and she’s not going to change.
I gave up. What’s the point in complaining? She’s right. She won’t change.
There’s no signs up anywhere saying ‘fucking you up won’t matter to us/our lives/our pension -if we make a mistake complain about us’ -but plenty telling us to behave.
If NHS staff did their jobs as they should they would cut patients ‘behaving badly’by about 80%!
And don’t bother telling g me how fantastic nhs staff are. Some are, but the numbers are not outweighed by those who are not. I’ve never ever been in hospital and not had to listen to buzzers going off -while nurses sit and laugh at the nurses station.
It’s got worse since Covid when every member of the nhs acted as if they had been beatified - the admin staff most of all (I did feel for frontline staff- but they consisted of around 40% . We all know of admin staff who were using ‘blue light’discounts and marching to the front of queues ).

@ForAvidTraybake dont condemn your DH too much. He has gone so far past the end of his tether he can’t even see it anymore. We all have a breaking point - keep an eye on him and don’t berate him.

Olivia’s child had a recognised side effect, wherein the Botox can be injected too deep or slightly wrong, and it paralyses the muscles in the hand. I believe it takes a few weeks to see if it’ll wear off or not.

OP has been caught out, there’s a reason they were so active and they’ve now disappeared.

@MNHQsort it out.

This is 100% a troll.

Olivia Hammond/Linch has this exact same situation happen, except for the part of the story regarding her husband.

3 kids, 6 months eldest one stroke, something recently went wrong with botox in muscle of hand - even the wording of the disappointment is exactly her wording from her posts.

You dont need to justify this riddiculous comment. When your children hurt, you hurt. Of course you are angry. I get it. Hope everything works out.

It’s so fucking strange. @mnhqare aware and say it doesn’t break talk guidelines!

I think you are perhaps too focused on the medical side of your child, and comparing with what you feel is 'normal'.

I haven't had a full night sleep in 12 years. My children aren't on the same developmental pathway as the majority. It can be really hard seeing the differences.

But I have long since learned to accept that and embrace it. I've met so many friends dealing with similar issues and we are now great friends (even though our kids are all very different really). I would highly recommend looking into disability parent carer groups or disability sports or similar.

Unfortunately with so many medical appointments it is always likely that mistakes.will be made along the way. Complaining is fine. Abuse isnt.

There' some very weird/bored people out there. That or AI.

It’s definitely not AI. I wonder why @ForAvidTraybake has disappeared now??

Threatening referral to mental health professionals or social services is a common way hospital staff deflect responsibility for medical errors. Read the recent maternity report where women were threatened with this when they or their babies were harmed.

Yes, but in this case the situation is different. There is a good reason for the referral due to at least one of the parents no longer coping.

I accept it can be used to deflect in other cases, but this isn’t one of them, because there seems to be a genuine reason for the referral. Dh’s profession only makes it more serious, not less. The family need more support.

This scenario didn’t happen! Stop giving sincere answers when the OP is on the wind up!!

This. I do not advocate shouting and swearing at people doing their job, but it sounds like this was just a perfect storm of emotions and pressures. Cooperate with everything that happens and get it done and dusted. He is not stupid and will be punishing himself (which is always the best punishment, if a person is inherently good).

Your main priority is continuing to support each other and knowing that you have each other's backs.

They did this because the father was angry about their incompetence.