DH made our son's hospital situation worse? Now we have a safeguarding referral!

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DH and I have three children. Our eldest turns 4 in August. When he was just 6 months old he had a stroke. It was the most terrifying thing we've ever been through.
Thankfully, because he was so young he's recovered amazingly well. Most people wouldn't even know he does have a disability. It’s hidden and we have to advocate for him while he’s still so young. I worry for much the funny thing is I know by the time he’s a teenager he’ll tell me off for worrying so much.

However, it's taken years of hard work to get him where he is. Six mornings a week either I or DH gets up with him first thing to do 45 minutes of physiotherapy before breakfast because that's when he's in the best mood. He naturally favours one hand because of the stroke, so we're constantly encouraging him to use his weaker hand.

He also has regular appointments with specialists and therapists. Childhood stroke is quite rare so we've been fortunate enough to be under some fantastic specialists. DH has even been on a rehabilitation retreat with him to the Lake District etc.

Last week I took him to London for Botox treatment in his weaker hand to help with the muscle tightness. Medical Botox used to help improve function, not anything cosmetic. Unfortunately something didn't go to plan during the procedure. He's okay, but we've now been told we have to wait around three months to see what the outcome will be.
I can't explain how upsetting that's been. We've worked so hard over the last few years to give him every possible chance, and all we want is for him to be able to do everything other children can. I know I'm probably an over-worrier and one day he'll probably be a teenager telling me I worried too much, but right now I can't help it. I've cried most evenings since it happened because I keep thinking about the "what ifs", even though deep down I know he'll most likely be okay.

DH has been just as upset but his reaction was very different. He went back to the hospital to speak to the department involved and completely lost his temper. He shouted, swore and made threats in the heat of the moment. I understand why he was so angry because this is our child but I also think it crossed a line.

We had intended to make a formal complaint about how our son's treatment was handled. Instead, the hospital have now made a complaint about DH's behaviour. They've referred the situation to the safeguarding team and we have someone coming to visit our home and speak to us. They've also said they're concerned about the impact all of this has had on me because I've been so upset & DH mentioned my mental health too.

The funny thing in all of this is that DH is a doctor too and has acted this way at other specialists who are trying their best to help our son. I’ve had to take time off work as I am constantly worried, DH will need to take time off work too. It’s all too much for the both of us if I’m being honest.

I honestly feel like everything has spiralled. We've spent years doing everything we possibly can for our son. Our whole lives revolve around his appointments, therapy and helping him reach his potential. Now it feels like the focus has shifted away from what happened to him and onto us.

AIBU to think DH's reaction, although completely understandable as a frightened and angry parent, has probably made the whole situation much worse?

Has anyone else ever had a safeguarding referral after a parent lost their temper with hospital staff?

Not really, there's no way you could interpret that sentence to mean what OP is claiming

Have you and your husband engaged with therapy to deal with everything you have coped with? Adjusting to having a disabled child is a kind of grief.

Of course he made things worse. Workplace abuse and violence against healthcare workers is a huge problem and making threats made him part of that problem. They have to address that or it looks like they're letting him slide because he's a doctor.

It's a shame what happened to your son but that's why you get a lawyer to deal with that.

You need help - not your kids here - as a pp said you need a form of grief counselling to get to the acceptance level

kids are little sponges - of course they are picking up on all of this

Same here , yes your DH shouldn't have shouted at staff . But we have no idea why he was so upset/ how big the mistake was and the implications it might have on your DC, who you both clearly love very much . And given how he lost his brother I'm sure it triggered him

So yes he shouldn't have acted that way but it sounds a lot for you both and he's only human. Sending lots of love.

Try to stress about it, you’ve enough worries at the moment. DS has made great progress due to your help, he’ll continue to excel.
Life has given you both a massive curveball.
DH is not coping well either. 💐 Take a deep breath, nothing is going to change overnight.

Sorry you’ve been through that. It’s unimaginable. I’ve lost two family members to medical negligence (thankfully not a child) and I absolutely agree with you. I never got to express my feelings to the doctors who failed my loved ones but if I had I can’t imagine I’d have been able to stay calm. If it had been my child, there would have been no holding me back.

OP I have enormous sympathy for you and for your DH too. You are both under a lot of stress and have been for three years so this sounds like the straw that broke the camels back for your DH. It’s not ideal but under that kind of stress, fighting for his child, it’s really understandable that he lost his temper.

I’m sorry you have both been going through this horrible situation. I work within the NHS with children and parents. A safeguarding referral can be a positive step and maybe give your husband access to help for his anger issues for instance.

You are (quite understandably) sensitive and catastrophising because you have been through so much

however, it’s Botox - it literally wears off after 3 months and it can be injected again, this time into the right bit.

I do think you may both benefit from therapy to come to terms with everything. One thing that really strikes me is you keep over empathising with how hard your kid is going to find life, that’s not true, you’re coming at as an an ADULT, your child doesn’t know any different. This is HIS life, he doesn’t know it could have been different.

Of course you could, I did and many others did.

She basically said he abused the doctors and the worst bit is he’s a doctor too and has to deal with this crap himself so he should have known better than to abuse his peers.

I would also say your dh knows more about your son’s outcome, trajectory and likely risk factors in the future in a way you may not op. He might be carrying a great deal of internal stress, and given his history - he carries the biggest fear of all - that they will kill his son with their incompetence. It’s a very real fear based on his own experience.

It strikes me that you are both still very much stuck at the ‘anger’ stage of grief. Which isn’t helpful - however much you say ‘we’ll be fine as a family’ - if you had moved beyond that stage your dh wouldn’t have lashed out due to adrenaline. Anger isn’t helping. Please do think about that and recognise that you both need help to move to acceptance which will serve your child much better in the long run.

It must be a horrendous journey you’re on and I’m sorry.

Op, this is a hard situation, don’t play the blame game here, your husband wa angry and upset and lost control, few of us can say we have never done such a a thing. Don’t let posters stir it up for their amusement or due to their own issues.

pull together, he didn’t plan this. He simply lost control. You need to support each other.

Thanks I’ll have a look.

Although they have said he doesn’t have autism that’s been ruled out by he is only 3 turning 4 so maybe at a later stage or later age but he’s at nursery and loves it, loves his friends, very social boy, so we just have to see how he develops he’s still quite young.

OP is doing a really bad job explaning herself. Whatever. It sounds like a Tiktok copyabd paste thing which most likely is the reason of inconsistency.

To be fair, it does say 'acted this way at other specialists who are trying to help our son'.

I also don't really understand how that actually means the experience he's had a doctor himself because that doesn't involve specialists trying to help their son?

Being a doctor doesn't make you different from anyone else who has a sick child, Ideally nobody should lose their rag. But it's not more, or less, acceptable if you're a lawyer. doctor, teacher or cleaner.
A lot of people just don't understand what it's like to have an ill child-and maybe they didn't explain the procedure, or maybe they did make a mistake. That does happen, and some people feel when your child has a disability, you're treated worse by the system. No, it's not ok to scream, but being a doctor doesn't make him a superhuman or give him less right to be upset,

And refusing to engage with any questions

There isn’t an inconsistency, you misread it. She’s consistently said through the thread that he’s not done this before

OP, I have a disabled child so please hear the following in the spirit that it is intended and with no criticism:

In focusing entirely on your child's rehabilitation you have been able to feel that you were doing something practical to help his outcomes. This has become your lifeline and the disruption to this therefore feels catastrophic. In the meantime, clearly, neither of you has dealt with your emotional response to the situation. You are unhealthily anxious and your husband is unacceptably angry. You both need therapy. Good luck

Bit shit to even complain about his colleagues!

does he never make mistakes?

would he be ok to have some father threatening him? Id be horrified he should apologise and never go near them again

OP this isn't a direct answer to your post, but i thought my history might make your son's situation seem less disastrous. I had a Stroke when i was 6. I spent 4 days unconscious, was in hospital quite a while, had exercises etc.for years, like your son. I lost some abilities, and all memories from before. But - I am near retirement age now and have enjoyed a full and healthy life. I continued to improve well into adulthood- my coordination get much better when I played ball with my children!
It changed my life, of course, but absolutely did not ruin it. I appreciate and sympathise with your stress and worry : I hope this helps at least a tiny bit.

i am going to comment on this from a parents point of view that also has a child with disabilities (he’s 18 now) and also a child (12) with learning disabilities and profound and complex autism.

I have been where your husband is! Yes, what he did was completely wrong and should never have happened.

BUT, when you’re dealing with complexities of disability and how it affects your life for every second of every day, there comes a point when you sadly do blow, and sometimes that is at the hospital staff. I do totally get what happened and I have done the same. I have great remorse for what I did and I obviously apologised profusely.

BUT he is obviously not coping with everything and also worrying about you is enough to make anyone lose it at some point. All he can do is apologise profusely and admit he was in the wrong, but admit that having a child with such complexities and having had to deal with it constantly for years on end obviously broke him at that moment. Tell him to seek support through a talking therapist or a group of parents/dads of kids with additional needs. Let the hospital know that you’re making these plans.

sending so many love and hugs to you as a family.

Right.
I think it's pretty easy to read that OP's husband has abused other doctors before with responsibility for the son's care. Not that hard is it? But never mind sounds like a TikTok gig.

Op, this all sounds incredibly stressful. Your dh is an adult who was in the wrong but likely triggered by being under immense stress. Ease don't spend any more time worrying about this, you cannot control his actions or the outcome of that investigation.

You seem to be placing a huge amount of pressure on yourself to make everything perfect and to fix your son. Your son had a stroke, he will have set backs and yes life can be more of a challenge if you sre disabled. It is wonderful that you are doing so much to support him but please remember they many people grow up with disabilities and adapt to them and he has a loving family to support him.

You don't need to break yourselves trying to fix him. It sounds like he is doing well but neither of you are. It might be useful to have some support in coming to terms with what happened and maybe accepting his differences.