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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Birthday bill split

1000 replies

KnickerlessFatWoman · 18/07/2026 12:55

Last weekend was my mother’s birthday, so we - that’s me, my parents, sister and BIL and their 12 year-old son - went for Sunday lunch. Unfortunately the food wasn’t great, and they ended up taking my main off the bill.

My dad is someone who always wants to treat everyone, so my sister and I decided this time it was our turn and we were going to treat him and our mum instead. When the bill came, BIL asked if we could split it over two cards, but they said they could only take one payment. He paid and I said I’d transfer my share. For the sake of keeping the maths simple on this thread, let’s say the bill was £210, or £35 per head.

Both BIL and sister are crap at responding to messages, so it took me until midweek to get the bank details. I sent over £70 to cover me and one of my parents.

I heard nothing in response, but I was chatting to my mum earlier and she said “Oh, by the way, Katie said you got the money wrong - it was £210 and you only sent £70”. I said no, that was right - my meal and one other. She said, “Ohhh… I think she thought you were splitting it”. I laughed and said, “No, we said we’d treat you and Dad. I didn’t say I’d pay for three meals!”

I don’t really know why my sister couldn’t just have messaged me instead of talking to our mother about it, but that’s not really the issue. Surely she and BIL don’t expect me to pay half the bill? By treating our parents, I meant exactly that - not that I’d pay for them both while my sister just paid for her own family (which is what this amounts to). There are three of them and one of me. If I pay half the bill, sister and BIL have only covered themselves and their child - there’s no “treating” anyone at all.

AIBU for thinking £70 was my share and paying just that?

OP posts:
MsSquiz · 18/07/2026 16:22

Well you have split the bill, just not 50/50 like your sister presumed.

they’re a family of 3, you’re 1 person and 2 parents. If it was 50/50, your sister wouldn’t have paid anything towards your parent’s meal so that doesn’t make any sense.

you did split the bill, you and your sister just had different ideas as to what the split should be

BeSassyOpalSquid · 18/07/2026 16:23

Bridesmaidorexfriend · 18/07/2026 16:18

Honestly if my sister was such a tightarse that she was moaning to my mum that I hadn’t subsidised her family’s dinner then I’d probably see her as the dramallama and let her get on with it. I certainly wouldn’t be giving her money to keep the peace

Agree entirely and I would be very direct with sister about it. Sister’s behaviour has been ridiculous.

burnoutbabe · 18/07/2026 16:24

But the present was to save the parents a £210 billi. Not a £70 one?

OneLimePombear · 18/07/2026 16:24

burnoutbabe · 18/07/2026 16:24

But the present was to save the parents a £210 billi. Not a £70 one?

The parents did save £210.

Newyearawaits · 18/07/2026 16:25

KnickerlessFatWoman · 18/07/2026 13:06

It was only my main that was taken off; I still had my other courses and my share of the wine to pay. I didn’t bother quibbling about that as BIL wasn’t drinking, so if we’d been paying exact shares, his would have been less anyway.

I would have happily paid half of the bill, we are talking about close family.
Your description of paying for one of your parents doesn't sit comfortably with me.
All seems so business like.

MsSquiz · 18/07/2026 16:27

Newyearawaits · 18/07/2026 16:25

I would have happily paid half of the bill, we are talking about close family.
Your description of paying for one of your parents doesn't sit comfortably with me.
All seems so business like.

But then her Sister/BIL were just paying for their food and OP was paying for both parents and hers (technically more than her own fair share as she’d had her main course removed)

januaryjanuarydone · 18/07/2026 16:27

I can see why your DSis and BIL assumed you’d split 50:50 BUT I think you’re right. It is something that probably needed clarifying before, though.
Hopefully your sister is a reasonable person and understands once you’ve spoken to her.

B1anche · 18/07/2026 16:27

Newyearawaits · 18/07/2026 16:25

I would have happily paid half of the bill, we are talking about close family.
Your description of paying for one of your parents doesn't sit comfortably with me.
All seems so business like.

So, if you put yourself in the sister's position in this scenario, you would insist your single sibling pay half of the entire bill? Even though there are 3 of you and 1 of her?

januaryjanuarydone · 18/07/2026 16:28

burnoutbabe · 18/07/2026 16:24

But the present was to save the parents a £210 billi. Not a £70 one?

Well this comment makes no sense at all!

B1anche · 18/07/2026 16:29

burnoutbabe · 18/07/2026 16:24

But the present was to save the parents a £210 billi. Not a £70 one?

The parents didn't pay anything.

GertieLawrence · 18/07/2026 16:30

SpottyPyjama · 18/07/2026 13:12

I’m with your sister. The treat was a meal out with the whole family, so if you agreed to split the treat 50/50 you pay half of what a meal for the whole family costs.

It seems like there was a misunderstanding, but you don’t have some moral high ground here or the automatic right to claim your sister was wrong.

Totally agree. In my family if we say we’re splitting the bill, it would be 50-50. I wouldn’t dream of working it out pp.

OneFineDay22 · 18/07/2026 16:32

I genuinely don’t understand how many people seem to think this is fair. What if OP’s sister had a family of 5? Would 50/50 still be fair (to the people that currently think it is)?

burnoutbabe · 18/07/2026 16:33

True parents did not pay but the gift was to save them £210 so it seems reasonable to assume you share that burden 50/50.

also the op doesn’t say if this (the sisters paying) was agreed pre meal or just at the meal (I hate when having a meal and someone pipes up -oh let’s treat x and you can’t really say no then)

ThisHeartySloth · 18/07/2026 16:39

You’re right. Your sisters’ way means you pay for both your parents

PuppyMonkey · 18/07/2026 16:41

You thought you were treating your parents, she thought you were splitting the bill. Easy for the misunderstanding to happen. What’s weird to me is why the restaurant couldn’t take two separate card payments. Confused

ScotiaLass · 18/07/2026 16:43

KnickerlessFatWoman · 18/07/2026 14:05

Why are you talking about my sister “needing to pay for four meals” as if that’s a huge imposition, when she, her husband and her child ate three of those meals? Why would anyone be shocked at having to pay for their own food?

And if it’s such a trauma to pay for one meal more than you ate, why aren’t you worrying about me paying for TWO more? On my one income versus their two?

Another way to look at this is rather than the bill being split between you and your sister, it could be split between the three adults with paid jobs who are not being 'treated'. £210 split 3 ways is £70 so based on that you've paid the right amount too.

ScotiaLass · 18/07/2026 16:45

ThisHeartySloth · 18/07/2026 16:39

You’re right. Your sisters’ way means you pay for both your parents

True. You could give her half this time and say that since you paid for both parents next time you expect to only pay for yourself while she 'treats' both parents.

SparkleforChristmas · 18/07/2026 16:45

allthingsinmoderation · 18/07/2026 15:02

I think the intention was to pay for their own food and split the parents bill between them so as to treat their parents.

This! Anything else would be unfair. SIL pays for herself plus a parent, OP pays for herself and a parent.

BlueMum16 · 18/07/2026 16:46

allthingsinmoderation · 18/07/2026 15:06

i think this is a misunderstanding.
Your idea of treat your parents was to pay for yourself and split your parents bill between you .
Your sisters idea of "treat your parents" was to pay half of the entire bill each ..

You're right.

The sister is a CF though she usually gets 3 free meals and is moaning about paying for her own family plus one parent which is exactly what the OP has done, own plus one parent.

CF. And to complain to her DM who usually pays us unbelievable.

Easilyforgotten · 18/07/2026 16:52

I'm with you OP. The conversation was 'lets treat our parents' not 'lets split the bill'. Two distinct and different financial situations. She agreed to the former not the latter. I'm not sure why that's so difficult to understand.

TheCurious0range · 18/07/2026 16:57

B1anche · 18/07/2026 16:15

Yes but I am reversing the scenario by saying that if it was the other way around, you would have no qualms about paying less than your single sibling?

I already pay more than my exact share, so yes that would be fine. I would view it as paying half the bill on behalf of my father who I was treating. My brother had a partner and child before I did so I was in that circumstance and it was fine.Also I don't see it as paying more or less, the two siblings are pissing the same amount

thepariscrimefiles · 18/07/2026 16:59

ChiefCookandBottlewasher7 · 18/07/2026 15:53

Can you imagine what atmosphere you and your stupid sister created for your parents with this idiotic squabbling? Irrespective of who is right and who is wrong, why spoil the vibe? It is like giving a gift and then crapping all over it. Your parents will be more concerned about your relationship with your sister in the future, as in when they die - surely they hope you will be supporting each other, not quibbling over thirty quid, when the parents are no longer with you?

OP's sister brought it up with OP's mum by telling her that OP hadn't transferred enough money. She could have contacted OP directly without bringing their mum into it.

HGHGHG · 18/07/2026 17:00

Newyearawaits · 18/07/2026 16:25

I would have happily paid half of the bill, we are talking about close family.
Your description of paying for one of your parents doesn't sit comfortably with me.
All seems so business like.

No it doesn't sound "business like" at all - it sounds perfectly logical.

OP paid for herself and one parent as agreed.

Sister pays for herself, one parent, her husband and her child.

Where is the business?

Why should OP also pay for half her bil and nephews bill's too? Then the sister isn't contributing ANYTHING, quite the opposite.

Newyearawaits · 18/07/2026 17:03

MsSquiz · 18/07/2026 16:27

But then her Sister/BIL were just paying for their food and OP was paying for both parents and hers (technically more than her own fair share as she’d had her main course removed)

And why does that matter?
These are family!

HGHGHG · 18/07/2026 17:03

GertieLawrence · 18/07/2026 16:30

Totally agree. In my family if we say we’re splitting the bill, it would be 50-50. I wouldn’t dream of working it out pp.

Which is fine.

But that isn't what OP said. She said they should treat the parents. Not the brother in law and nephew.

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